Alas poor Nikki, I knew her well.

I’ve made no secret that Nikki Grahame was one of my favourites from this series of Big Brother. While I am sorry to see her out of the house this week, her eviction was a necessary evil. It was simply her time.

The alternative would have been to see Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace depart and this week, she didn’t deserve that fate.

Aisleyne has had a really rough ride in both houses and we’ve seen real emotion from her recently. Also, I think there is a deeper attraction between Aisleyne and Pete Bennett than Pete and any other woman in there. Let’s let it develop.

But the main reason Nikki had to go this week was this: to give that vile rule-breaking slob, Jayne Kitt a massive slap in the face.

Aside from the fact Jayne is responsible for darlin’ Nikki’s eviction, Jayne’s sins and transgressions in the house have been vast.

Nikki wouldn’t have been nominated this week if it was the normal nomination process, so I see it as 100% Jayne’s fault.

Jayne is obnoxious, annoying and completely unpleasant, as well as being a very unconvincing liar.

You might have gathered that I really don’t like her.

You’re right, I really don’t. And that’s just how Endemol wants it.

I’m sure her spilling the beans regarding the outside world is pissing them off behind the scenes, it remains unlikely they are going to make her walk out the back door.

Oh no, they are going to grit their collective teeth until next Friday, when they can evict her properly, regardless of how much she reveals.

Why?

Simple.

Think of the revenue they will make from the telephone and text voting!

Jayne is becoming such a figure of hatred that I will cautiously predict she will have the most votes cast against her than any other BB housemate in the history of the series.

And you know something; I don’t blame Endemol at all for doing it. Someone should benefit somehow from her brief stay in the house!

How am I so sure that Jayne will be up for eviction next week?

How can you doubt it? She’s already cost the house their luxury shopping budget, their access to hot water and now sweet, crazy little Nikki!

Certainly the majority of the remaining housemates will nominate her. Wouldn’t you if you couldn’t smoke a cigarette, drink some wine or eat anything other than rice, pasta and lentils?

I sure as hell would!

And I might even pull my dialling finger out of the mothballs and cast a few votes for her myself, not that I’ll need to because I can’t imagine whoever she came up against being despised more!

The only possible rival for eviction being Glen “Spiral” Coroner, because he’s just so creepy and inspires so much discomfort. There are unconfirmed rumours that more has gone on with him in the house than we have been allowed to see in the highlights. I’ll say no more.

Instead I’ll say this:

Get Jayne out!

And bring back my little Nikki!

To me, Nikki is a star; a real discovery.

She’s provided more comedy moments than anyone this year. She’s a pocket-sized dynamo of emotion and angst, adorably cute and worryingly volatile at the same time.

A strong character like Nikki was bound to have fans and detractors, but no one can argue that she ‘s been a central figure in the house.

Whether you love her or hate her, I’m sure you watched her antics with slack jawed wonder; my own mandible hit the carpet on more than one occasion!

We haven’t seen the last of Nikki, oh no. Watch out Jade and Chantelle! There’s a new blonde reality star on the rise!

I’d give Nikki a series in a second and the pitch would be piss-easy.

How about a British version of “The Simple Life”? Could you imagine Nikki being told she had to milk a cow or slaughter a baby lamb! Just wind her up and let the hilarity ensue.

Or how about “Nikki on the Couch”?

It would be a thirty-minute sitcom consisting of Nikki visiting her psychiatrist to talk about her week. It would be great, maybe we could get Ricky Gervais to play the doctor. You can picture him mugging for the cameras as Nikki goes into one, can’t you? And we could have a different receptionist every week, like a running gag. Lea Walker could do the pilot.

And you all must be wondering why I don’t have my own television channel? I’m a media genius!

And now for the threatened random observations and other assorted bits and bobs that I’ve been meaning to mention.

I’ll start with one big let-down for this hippy last Friday night during the live eviction. I was waiting all week for Davina to read out all of the names of the housemates prior to announcing who goes. It’s usually a very exciting moment.

This time, it was a limp, damp, disappointing squib.

Instead of doing it properly and allowing the crowd reactions to cause massive ructions in the house, they copped out and simply said, “All housemates except Jayne, you are up for eviction.” It was the coward’s way out!

Here’s another one, have you noticed that the only people in the house who have consistently used the “c-word” have all been women?

How do I know it’s the “c-word”?

Simple, near as I can tell, it’s the only naughty word that they won’t broadcast after the watershed.

I found it fantastically amusing that this particular word has slipped out twice; both times during the live Friday night evictions and on both occasions, from the same bizarrely buxom housemate.

Ok, I’m talking about Lea and the word in question is “cunt”.

Is it a word you haven’t come across before?

Did it burn your eyes just reading it? Does it harm your ears when you hear it?

Does it undermine your morality and lessen your spirit every time it passes over someone’s lips?

I didn’t think so.

It is just word. We give it the power to offend.

And guess what? We can take that power away as well.

For starters, stop bleeping it. We all know what it is anyway. The context gives it away.

It’s an old word; it’s been in common usage for years. There even used to be a street in London whose name included that word.

If that word does offend you, then what the hell are you doing reading my blog? And I wouldn’t watch the tv series “Deadwood” either.

You could always phone Channel 4 or write to them. They won’t pay attention to your specific complaint, but you will get a personalised reply.

If your letter or phonecall is particularly amusing or crazy, it will be forwarded around their Horseferry Road HQ like mad for sheer entertainment value.

If it is a real humdinger, it might end up in the Holy Moly mailout!

Broadcasters aren’t so much interested in particular complaints, as much as they are interested in trends. I’d guess that they had very few complaints over the accidental “c-word” slip-ups, barely enough for them to really register.

Raise your hand if you’ve seen the Imogen Thomas sex video?

Just me, then.

Well, come on, I had to screen it, in the interests of being better informed so that I may write my BB column from an educated perspective.

Ah-hem.

If you do want to see it, you can find it if you look hard enough. No link from me this time.

If you haven’t seen it, don’t bother; it’s not worthy of your valuable viewing time. Aside from the fact that the script was weak, the story a bit thin and the production values quite low, it was really dull.

Imogen? Dull? Why I never…

If you do get to see it, like me you will probably spend most of your viewing time trying to work out if it is really Imogen.

The quality of the picture is rubbish mobile phone video and it must be a year or three old, because Imogen looks a bit younger.

It really wasn’t until I heard her speak and only then did I start thinking it might be Imogen.

The video is explicit, featuring close-ups and everything. The sex is fairly vanilla, though somewhat energetic. Watching it made me feel a bit dirty and not in a good way.

A word of warning to all of you out there: Anything you film these days, especially if it’s digital, is going to find it’s way onto the internet. You only need to visit YouTube and have a random poke around to see what I mean.

If you don’t want this hippy, along with millions of other people around the world watching you do something you don’t want us to see, just don’t film it.

“Oh baby, it will just be for me, I’ll erase it later” is a lie on a par with “the cheque is in the post” and “I won’t cum in your mouth”.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Correct me if I’m wrong, but when they showed Davina dragging Nikki out of the house on the Saturday night highlights, it was the first time ever Davina made an appearance in the highlights show.

You may have noticed that the highlights programmes limit our perspective to what can only be seen from within the house.

Think about when they replay the eviction on the Saturday night highlights show, you only see the departing housemate from inside the house.

What you never get is the reverse angle of the evicted HM walking out the door and into the crowd.

Since you could see Davina from the perspective of the house, it was only natural for us to catch a glimpse of her at the top of the stairs.

Well, I thought it was cool.

And you ‘re thinking, “Hippy… You anorak!”

Nikki’s eviction was, in the words of my younger brother, “distressing to watch”, especially when she wouldn’t walk out the door of the house. The combination of unbridled angst and overwhelmingly fear that was apparent from the look on her face made me feel sad.

Watching Nikki’s eviction interview was like riding on a roller coaster of her emotions. She was up and down more than the lifts in Canary Wharf on a weekday! I thought Davina handled it with sensitivity and I think she had genuine affection for Nikki.

I did too, I really liked Nikki.

Nikki, if you happen to stumble upon my blog when you Google yourself, as you invariably will (don’t worry, everyone Google’s themselves, you won’t go blind), know that you had one crazy middle-aged hippy in north London, who spent two entire months being completely entertained by you.

And if you’re interested in pursuing any of my ideas for those tv series further, have your people call my people and we can do lunch! I’ll have to get some people first, but it’s on my list of things to do this week.

Remember, I came here today not to bury Nikki, but to praise her!