Greetings Big Brother fanatics!

Can you feel the end of this series accelerating towards its natural conclusion with far more speed than you would prefer?

Yes, me too.

Perhaps its premature for me to be lamenting the demise of this year’s BB, but it’s a fact that as the house empties out and we watch the whole shebang wind down, it’s normal to feel this way.

I will be sad to see this series end, but then I’ve felt this way the six previous years as well. Whether you love or hate the housemates, or something in-between, you’ll have spent 13 weeks in their company daily and you will miss them.

I secretly wish that they would lock all these people up in the house, and then do away with weekly evictions.

When one of them died of insanity or old age, or they killed each other, then you could replace them with a new housemate. It would run, forever!

I’d probably give them all some rusty, dull knives and enough blotter acid to go around and then just kick back and let the fun begin!

Ok, maybe not that last bit, but you get my point. They’re all your bestest friends for 3 months and then they’re gone, with not so much as a phone call or a postcard or a topless snap in FHM magazine.

Ok, ok, so sometimes there are topless photos in the lad’s mags, but once the pages get stuck together, then what?

Now I’m just being gross!

In the last week or so, I’ve felt the producers have been a bit back on form. I thought the “best friends” task was amusing, especially Imogen Thomas’s stellar singing ability and of course, Glen “Spoirle” Coroner’s rapping skills.

Could his raps be any worse?

I’m serious; I mean really, how hard would you have to work to rap that badly? If it was meant to be a parody, we’d all be pissing our collective pants in fits of laughter, but he wants to be taken seriously!

If you ran a record company, would you give Spoirle a contract? Would you? With a big fat advance? Of course not!

And as keen consumers of music, would you purchase his debut CD? Would you even download it for free from a naughty site?

Would anyone?

And he’s still creepy. I wouldn’t let him date my daughter if I had one, or baby-sit for her for that matter!

And his “best friend” is equally creepy, but for different reasons.

Michael Cheshire is weird, with his stuffed cat “Scruples”, his nasty underpants and his twisted belief that he is god, because god is love and he is love, makes me want to call the men in the white coats and ask them to make an urgent collection in Elstree, STAT!

I’d like to state with some degree of confidence that Spoirle and Michael would be going tonight, but I can’t, or rather I won’t. The positive voting this week has left me a bit confused and I’m quite reticent to make a firm prediction.

It’s hard to say definitively how people will vote since the motivation is different from the norm.

Ponder this: Suppose everyone who loves Pete Bennett, assumes that everyone else who loves Pete, is going to vote to save him and Richard Newman. I mean everyone and consequently, the pair receive very few votes.

If that happened, then it’s bye-bye Pete and Dickie.

I’m not saying it will happen, only that it could.

What are the chances of people feeling strongly enough about Imogen and Suzie Verrico that they would pick up the phone and spend fifty pence?

It’s hard to say, isn’t it?

If it was a proper eviction vote, then it would be simple; we would be seeing the back of Michael and Spoirle and I don’t think anyone would argue with that.

As well as the “best friends” task, I’m enjoying the prison task, especially the twist, or twists if you’re keeping score.

The secret reward room is brilliant and every home should have one! Well, my house to start. Don’t you think I deserve it?

Sorry this is a bit brief, but I’m working like a dog this week and in this heat, it’s no fun. Have you ever had to run up and down mountains in a fur coat, with a small barrel of brandy hung from a collar around your neck? I didn’t think so!

Oh one last thing and it’s an “I told you so!”

In my last BB column, I said Nikki Grahame deserved her very own TV show and what do you know? E4 have announced that she will be starring in a new series after BB7 finishes, called Princess Nikki.

Not only did I predict this, but also they’ve stolen, or rather appropriated one of my ideas.

Admittedly it was a total rip-off of “The Simple Life”, but I published it here before they made their announcement. I did, really, scroll down if you don’t believe me!

The superior programme idea, “Nikki on the Couch” has yet to be commissioned, so I do remain ever hopeful!

Hey Endemol, if you’re reading this, I’m awaiting my royalty cheques! Just send them to the northlondonhippy in north London and let the postman do the rest. Don’t worry, they know exactly where to find me!
It would be cheaper just to put me on your payroll. If you did, I’d let you have “Nikki on the Couch” as part of the deal. You know it makes sense!