Dig it, fuckers!

The hippy’s here to let you all in on a little secret about my favourite digital television platform, the satellite system, SKY television.

In the interest of full disclosure, I’ve been a SKY subscriber for years and I’ve had a SKY+ box (a hard drive-based PVR) for over 3 years. I adore SKY+ and it’s a fantastic piece of kit that I would recommend to anyone who enjoys watching TV.

SKY is part of NewsCorp, which is owned by the “billionaire tyrant”, Rupert Murdoch. He’s a media baron; he owns lots of stuff, from The Sun newspaper here in the UK, to Fox News in the states and a whole lot in-between.

SKY provide some channels of their own as well as the platform for other companies to run channels via their satellite system, so they don’t produce all of the content that streams into my home. I want to make that clear; anyone with enough dosh can rent a spot in the electronic programme guide (EPG) on SKY and broadcast a channel, though I would expect SKY ultimately have the right to decline for whatever reason they see fit.

If you have SKY, you may have discovered that there are lots of adult channels on the EPG, numbered from channel 900 upwards. Many of these channels are subscription based or pay-per-view, but a growing number of them are broadcast “in the clear”, with no encryption or subscription required.

What I’m talking about are a specific type of adult-oriented channel, I’ve dubbed “babe channels.”

“Babe channels” are quite a simple concept; so simple in fact that I wish I’d come up with it myself. They started a few years ago, late at night, for a few hours on channels which showed other programming during the day, but since then they have exploded in popularity.

Here’s the basic premise; a scantily clad woman (or women as you will discover), writhes around on-screen, with a telephone in her hand. You’re invited to ring an expensive premium rate number for a chance to speak to this scantily clad young lady and masturbate furiously while watching and chatting.

I’m speculating about the masturbation; but I think it’s a pretty damn good guess; everything else is as you see it on TV.

What they don’t tell you is that for your £1.50 a minute, you most likely won’t get to speak to the babe on-screen, but one of the hundreds of off-screen telephonists, ready to listen to your sick, twisted desires.

As the popularity (and profitability) of these channels grew, so did their numbers and soon there were many of them dotted around the SKY EPG. When SKY re-organised the EPG and put all the naughty channels in the 900s, many of these stations re-branded themselves as full time “babe channels”. There’s “Babecast” and “BabeWorld”; “Babestation” and a host of others.

As you might expect, competition for your £1.50 a minute has become intense and in the face of that, these channels have had to adapt. By adapt, of course I mean become more explicit and after 11pm, the fun really starts!

You don’t get just one woman on-screen, but groups of them now and instead of scantily clad, you get topless or fully nude. And sometimes you don’t just get fully nude, but shaven too.

The women snog each other as well as simulating acts of a sexual nature; there’s nipple sucking, crotch licking and dildos are popular props as well, especially as substitutes for lollypops. To illustrate; “BabeWorld” becomes “BabeWorld Extreme” after 11pm; in name and action!

As you can tell, I’ve done a bit of research into the subject, though I haven’t gone as far as ring any of the channels. This hippy doesn’t have a research budget for anything other than drugs! Sex should be free!

These channels are so lucrative that several of them broadcast all day and one of them has even started broadcasting 24-hours a day! Ka-fucking-ching!

The daytime versions are relatively tame, with lots of flashes of cleavage, stockings and knickers and are actually quite amusing. One channel called “Turn On TV” alternatives between 2 themes, each one for a week.

This week, it’s “Call the Office”, which consists of 8 hours of continuous live coverage of two women sitting in front of office desks. They dress like sexy secretaries; short skirts, low-cut blouses, while giving the camera coy, come-hither looks, imploring viewers to ring them.

There’s actually a certain air of desperation on these channels during the day, as the phone calls don’t come in as frequently and the women occasionally beg for callers.

The other theme is slightly more fetishist, as the set is dressed like a doctor’s surgery and the two women dress as sexy nurses. This one is called the “Naughty Nurse”. Imaginative, eh?

I’m not trying to come over all moralistic about this, as I’ve said, I wish I thought of it. Lots of people are getting very rich off the back of these channels and I wish I were one of them.

And I’m not having a moan about kids being able to see these channels, because if you have children and you have SKY, you’ve probably figured out how to lock these channels out of your EPG and pin protect them. If you haven’t, then you’re probably just a crap parent.

No, I’m writing about this because I find it interesting, fascinating really.

The further we all travel into the future, the more isolating technology becomes.

It used to be that if you wanted to chat to a pretty girl in her underwear, you had to go to a bar or club, chat her up, convince her to come back to your place, and then sweet talk her into shedding her clothing. Today, all you need is a telephone, a television and £1.50 a minute.

How lonely do you have to be to ring one of these channels just to have some contact, however distant with the women on screen or one of her off-screen helpers?

How desperate for sexual release do you need to become before you’re reaching for the phone and dialling that premium rate number, one handed?

I don’t honestly know, as it’s one gutter I’ve never visited. But as an observer of the human condition, it’s a question I’m posing.

What I can tell you is there must be loads of people (men and women) who must need these channels, or they wouldn’t have grown into such a big business, so fast.

What does it say about us?

What does it say about our society that these “babe channels” are flourishing?

Simple, that our lives are meaningless and empty.

You have a nice day, now!