The northlondonhippy

Archive for November, 2006

No Monty Python jokes, please.

My blog has become a spam magnet!

I’m get­ting hun­dreds of spam-comments left here on my blog every day and it’s a god­damn drag. My blog has attracted this sort of unwanted, auto­matic atten­tion before, but recently the lev­els have increased dramatically.

I’ve always had the com­ments set up so that I have to approve them first. No, I’m not doing it to cen­sor you but to weed out all the dodgy offers for online poker and Via­gra. I did this on my old blog too.

What hap­pens is that when some­one leaves a com­ment, I get an email alert­ing me of the need to approve it. When I get 100 com­ments, I get 100 emails. You get the idea.

I’m seri­ously con­sid­er­ing turn­ing the com­ment facil­ity off. That’s how bad it is!

I should men­tion that I’m feel­ing fairly deliri­ous at the moment, thanks to extreme sleep depri­va­tion. I’ve been awake for around 24 hours and I’m aim­ing to stay up another 6 hours.

Plus, I haven’t had much sleep this week, thanks to bull­shit and non­sense that kept me out of bed.

Some­times, life is com­pli­cated and annoying.

Oh god I’m tired! That’s all you’re get­ting today. I know it’s not much. Let’s be hon­est, it’s a piffle.

Check out my lat­est and dare I say great­est con­test yet! You won’t want to miss this!

Hey ho hip­py­fans! Da hippy is in da house!

Well, tech­ni­cally it is a house, but I do pre­fer to refer to it as my north Lon­don lair. I’m in a good mood because I’ve only got to work three more nights between now and the end of the month! Yipppeee to that, fuckers!

Don’t worry, I won’t be spend­ing all my free time wasted on drugs, I do have to sleep you know! Actu­ally, that’s a lie; no not the sleep­ing part, the wasted all the time part. That just won’t be possible.

Why?

Well, mainly because I’ve got heaps of work to do. I’m still help­ing that guy pro­mote his book, I’m work­ing on a cou­ple of other projects of my own and if you add to that my usual list of respon­si­bil­i­ties, then you will see that I won’t have much time to party.

But none of that is the real rea­son I won’t be on drugs.

The biggest rea­son I won’t be on drugs is sim­ple; drugs, at least my beloved skunkweed, has been remark­ably scarce recently. And by recently, I mean since August.

Ladies and gen­tle­men, wel­come to the great cannabis draught of 2006!

As a seri­ous, reg­u­lar, habit­ual con­sumer of the wacky-backy, this is a tragedy for me of bib­li­cal pro­por­tions! I haven’t seen a decent qual­ity of weed in ages; every­thing I’ve been get­ting is via 3rd par­ties, under­weight and expen­sive! That sucks, man. And I’ve yet to see more than like a quar­ter at any one time.

It’s been hand-to-mouth with mar­i­juana and that’s never a good thing.

I’ve done, what any ded­i­cated smoker would do; ask every­one and any­one if they know any­one help­ful. Guess what? They’re all pretty much sail­ing in the same boat as me.

Things are dire; things are des­per­ate! If any of you out there in inter­net­land can lay your hands on a quan­tity of qual­ity herbal cannabis, I would love to be your newest, bestest friend! I’d cer­tainly invite you to visit my north Lon­don lair, as my guest, where I would exchange a rea­son­able amount of British pounds ster­ling in return for said cannabis. And if you have to travel a long way, I might even be will­ing to con­tribute to your expenses and throw in a hot meal from my favourite north Lon­don Malaysian take­away! Yum! And nat­u­rally, if you’re female, the usual offer of pro­longed oral sex applies, though you will have to be will­ing to let Mrs. H take some pho­tos – artis­tic ones of course, for our per­sonal enjoy­ment only! I swear I won’t post them online!

Think I am jok­ing? Think again! Yes, I am that des­per­ate! And xmas is not too far off, which is tra­di­tion­ally a stress­ful time for scor­ing weed, because all the ama­teurs who only smoke around the hol­i­days are buy­ing all the good weed meant for hard­core smok­ers like me!

But all of this raises a sim­ple ques­tion, why is there a draught?

I’ve heard sev­eral the­o­ries, which I will attempt to weave into a coher­ent explanation.

In July, we had a lengthy, sus­tained heat wave. Most weed you get in Lon­don, is grown locally, indoors. If the grow­ers don’t have ade­quate cool­ing for their grow room, which I expect is the case almost uni­ver­sally, then the higher tem­per­a­ture will kill all the plants. In August, the draught started, which time­wise, would jive with this event.

We lost a whole gen­er­a­tion of THC good­ness in July. Please pause for a moment to reflect on this loss of life. Awwwww.

Not long after that, the police announced they were going to start crack­ing down on sub­ur­ban com­mer­cial gar­dens. From what I’ve read, Viet­namese crim­i­nal gangs run this end of the trade. What hap­pens is that they rent a house on a quiet street, gut the place, install every­thing they need to start turn­ing crops around and then they just sit back and watch the dosh roll in.

Except it isn’t always that sim­ple. Because they do half-assed jobs of build­ing their grow-rooms, fires are not unknown and because no one is liv­ing there, the entire place goes up in flames. Or the elec­tric com­pany notices an increase in usage, thanks to the high power draws of many sodium lights. Or they fid­dle with the metre and don’t use any power, which is equally suspicious.

And the cops are on to all of this, using ther­mal imag­ing to see if a build­ing is run­ning hot­ter than it should. Or the neigh­bours tip them off to usual activ­ity or the cur­tains being con­stantly drawn.

It’s a risky busi­ness and there’s a lot of “cut and run” involved. My guess is not so much that the cops have shut them all down, but that they have spooked them into shut­ting down their oper­a­tions for a while, until the sit­u­a­tion cools off.

A col­league of Mrs. H rented her house out a cou­ple of years ago and one day while at work, she got a call from the local police. You guessed it, the peo­ple she rented to turned her house into a com­mer­cial gar­den. She wasn’t in any trou­ble, as she could show them the signed lease and ref­er­ence pro­vided by her ten­ants, but the real prob­lem was the cost of return­ing the house to a hab­it­able state.

You would prob­a­bly think that as a big dope head, I would be all for these com­mer­cial grow­ers. In part, I am, in Hol­land, where weed is legal and of course, your non-commerical home gar­dener. Even my friends, who have done it com­mer­cially, have done it in prop­er­ties that they have a legal right to use, in a safe and respon­si­ble way. No, my prob­lem is with the criminals.

Crim­i­nals don’t grow weed to share with their mates, or to per­fect some rare sticky, skunky strain; they do it to make prof­its, at the expense of decent, hon­est, hard work­ing people.

Who pays for all the elec­tric­ity they steal? We do through higher bills. Who pays to fix the houses they rent and trash; land­lords like Mrs. H’s friend.

The weed pro­duced in these gar­dens is never the best you’ve ever had, it’s pass­able, but never fin­ished prop­erly. To my shame, I am cer­tain that I have pur­chased weed grow­ing under these con­di­tions but in my defence, I don’t really have a choice.

The legal sta­tus of cannabis is at the root of it all. If weed were legal, then these crim­i­nal gangs wouldn’t have any rea­son to grow dope and it would be done pro­fes­sion­ally, and with care, pro­duc­ing some amaz­ing results.

How can a plant be ille­gal? Let’s ban oak trees next because some­times they get blown over and peo­ple get hurt, maimed or killed. Let’s end this oak tree men­ace today!

My oak tree ban is no sil­lier than the pro­hi­bi­tion on cannabis!

But back to the draught, because I haven’t given you the last piece of the com­plex puzzle.

Price. Cost. Dosh. Moolah!

When­ever some­thing is in short sup­ply, the price goes up. This is sim­ple eco­nom­ics, you know, sup­ply and demand? I think part of what’s going on is that the sup­ply chain is hold­ing some back to drive the price up. I’m see­ing prices ris­ing by about a third – 33%, so the ounce you used to pay £150 for will be going for £200. Talk about a high rate of inflation!

It’s sim­ple, you hold back the sup­ply for a while and when you restore it, peo­ple are so des­per­ate they’ll pay any­thing. Any­thing, becomes the new price! By doing this, the deal­ers and sup­pli­ers will still sell all their weed, just at a higher price than a month ago, so they are the real win­ners and we are the real losers.

As I don’t see weed being legalised any­time soon, I think the real answer is for every­one to become self suf­fi­cient! It’s time we all start grow­ing our own!

I’ve wanted to do that for years, but I don’t have a suit­able space in my lair to ded­i­cate to it. I really wish I did and it is a seri­ous require­ment for my next house, should Mrs. H and I ever get our acts together and flee our north Lon­don ghetto!

Oh and I was seri­ous about the weed. If you can get your hands on an ounce (or 3) of high grade, qual­ity skunky bud, I’d really like to meet you, soon!

As the title says, thanks every­one in the United States who heeded my call to get rid of the Republicans!

The polit­i­cal clout I yield with this blog truly is spe­cial and all elected offi­cials should take note. The pub­lic do exactly what I tell ‘em to, because my fans are a very loyal bunch.

Change is a good thing and these changes to the polit­i­cal land­scape in Amer­ica are very good news indeed, but we’re not out of the woods just yet.

We’re stick stuck with George Porgy and his pack of lies and don’t for­get Darth Cheney. Those two are still at the top, but only for a cou­ple more years!

So pay atten­tion my Yan­kee friends and fans, you need to main­tain the momen­tum until the next gen­eral elec­tion. You need to give those wiley Democ­rats a free run come 2008 so they can intro­duce some much needed san­ity back into your coun­try and the world! Please! It would make this hippy very fuck­ing happy!

On to other news…

My con­test is still open and will remain open until I post num­ber 499 – this one is 492, if you didn’t notice up there at the top.

Come post num­ber 500, I’ll be announc­ing the winner!

You don’t know what you can win? Oh please, do keep up!

I’m giv­ing one lucky hip­py­fan the chance to win me! Well, me for a weekend.

That’s right, kids, the northlon­don­hippy will come and spend the week­end at your place and you can read my orig­i­nal spiel RIGHT HERE.

So what are you wait­ing for? Send me your email and you could have this crazeeeeeee hippy fondling you in your sleep!

Who wouldn’t want that?

Twas the night before the US mid-term elections…

And all through the House….

Con­gress­men touched up the Pages…

As quiet as a mouse!

The Sen­a­tors all sat with their heads in their hands…

Know­ing that Georgie Porgy snipped off their polit­i­cal glands!

* * *

Oh it truly tis the sea­son to vote Demo­c­rat my Amer­i­can friends and fans!

Ya see, here’s the thing: I’ve got a lot of read­ers in the good ol’ US of A and this par­tic­u­lar entry is mainly for their benefit.

I’m here to help con­vince you to do the right thing tomor­row and NOT vote for any of those evil, soul steal­ing, war-mongering, sex per­verts, the Republicans!

I realise that if you have so much as half a brain, this won’t be a hard sale to make, but I’m leav­ing noth­ing to chance!

The Repub­li­cans lie to you on a daily basis; they have fought in ille­gal wars in your name, cre­ated fear and mass hys­te­ria and fucked your national cof­fers from here to king­dom come and back again more than once! They’ve roy­ally screwed the pooch and left you twist­ing in the wind!

Let’s start with the “war in Iraq” and the first step in address­ing that par­tic­u­lar quag­mire is to stop the men­dac­ity in refer­ring to it as a “war”.

It’s not a war!

A war is fought against a clearly defined enemy, with clearly defined goals and objec­tives. Iraq has none of that at all.

The “enemy” was orig­i­nally Sad­dam Hus­sein and his national army, then it became the home­grown fac­tions, like the Mehdi Army AND then it became for­eign fight­ers; you know – good ol’ Al Qaeda!

Come on, guys; which is it?

The goal was orig­i­nally to dis­arm Sad­dam Hus­sein and get his weapons of mass destruc­tion, then ooops, there were no weapons, so then it became regime change and now the goal is to bring sta­bil­ity to the country.

Again, which is it? Make up your god­damn minds!

And what exactly is “the course they’re stay­ing”, so they can achieve victory?

What is vic­tory? More dead sol­diers? More dead Iraqis? If that’s what they’re aim­ing for, then it’s a mas­sive win!

Mark my words; this is not a war! This was an ille­gal inva­sion of a sov­er­eign coun­try and con­tin­ues to be an ille­gal occu­pa­tion, plain and sim­ple and any­one who claims oth­er­wise is lying through his or her teeth!

The peo­ple who led you into this war do not deserve to con­tinue to hold the offices they’re in, sim­ple as that. What they do deserve is a one-way ticket to The Hague to face a war crimes tribunal!

Any­one who thinks tor­ture is accept­able should join them and that includes the sit­ting Attor­ney Gen­eral of the US of A.

Amer­ica used to be the coun­try that other coun­tries looked up to as a shin­ing exam­ple of democ­racy and cap­i­tal­ism, but not any more. America’s stand­ing in the world com­mu­nity is cur­rently crap and I hate to say it, but it is well earned.

But let’s shift gears and turn to another sub­ject; one of domes­tic impor­tance to my Amer­i­can friends: your economy.

Big Bill Clin­ton took the bud­get deficit that was the legacy of the Reagan/Bush Sr. years and turned it into a sur­plus. Clin­ton bal­anced the books and got rid of tril­lions in gov­ern­ment debt, which was a minor miracle.

When Bush the lesser took over in 2000, the country’s cof­fers were still in good shape and then Georgie started writ­ing cheques that the trea­sury couldn’t cash and Amer­ica is now a debtor nation. You guys owe more money than I can count!

Say you make $25,000 a year, but the bank loans you $2.5 mil­lion. That’s one-hundred years of your salary and you’d never be able to pay it off, even if you lived for a hun­dred more years, because of the interest.

Now, mul­ti­ple that times three-hundred mil­lion and that’s your country!

The Repub­li­cans have weak­ened your nation in every pos­si­ble way, mil­i­tar­ily, finan­cially and morally!

It doesn’t have to be this way! You can bring Amer­ica back from the brink; you can still save your future!

I know the Democ­rats aren’t per­fect, but they’re a damn site bet­ter than the cunts you cur­rently have run­ning things and let’s face facts, could they do any worse?

Of course not, as the only way you could do worse is if you went out of your way to make things worse and the Democ­rats ain’t gonna do that! They want to turn things around. The smart move, would be to let them!

Amer­ica can recover from this dark period and be great again, but not if you leave these satanic ass­holes in charge much longer. Send Bush and his evil cronies a mes­sage, take back the House, take back the Sen­ate, and reclaim your right­ful, respected place in the world!

If you all do the right thing and vote for the Democ­rats, then per­haps as early as Jan­u­ary, we could see impeach­ment pro­ceed­ings against Bush.

For fuck’s sake, all Clin­ton did is get a lit­tle hum­mer in the Oval Office and they impeached him! Bush is respon­si­ble for the deaths of hun­dreds of thou­sands of inno­cent peo­ple and many more scarred and muti­lated for life, isn’t it time he was hauled up for his crimes against humanity?

Now, all we need to worry about are those elec­tronic vot­ing machines, which I have as much faith in as I do in George W him­self! Let’s hope they don’t use tech­nol­ogy to steal another election!

But if they do, I bet­ter see every man, woman and child in Amer­ica march­ing through the streets, demand­ing the truth!

Oh, who am I kidding?

This hippy is head­ing for his five-hundredth post and I’ve decided to count them down, so wel­come to post num­ber 490! I hope you enjoy your stay!

Can you feel the excite­ment; is your antic­i­pa­tion building?

What will that crazy hippy do to mark this momen­tous occasion?

I’m ready to announce my most amaz­ing contest!

I did plan on doing this one of the sum­mer, but like most things in my life, it didn’t work out, but this time, I’m serious!

Are you ready for the “great, big mas­sive, you can spend the week­end with the northlon­don­hippy contest”?

Well, whether you are or not, here it comes!

That’s right kids; you can win the chance to spend a week­end with me…at your place! This hippy will travel to your home for a week­end of soft drugs and inap­pro­pri­ate sex­ual contact.

The con­test is open to any­one resid­ing in the UK or the Euro­pean Union, espe­cially if Easy­jet or Ryan Air serves it – this hippy’s not rich enough to afford any­where fur­ther, so sorry if you’re big fan who doesn’t reside in these areas.

I’ll travel to yours on a Fri­day evening and stay until the Sun­day. Included in the prize is a night out at my expense; din­ner at your favourite local restau­rant and drinks in your favourite local bar, pub or club. You’ll need to feed me the rest of the time and pro­vide me with plenty of skunky bud and hot young women of ques­tion­able virtue.

I promise you a week­end of laughs and fun, as you would expect if you were host­ing one of the internet’s hottest, ris­ing stars!

I’m not the “biggest inter­net celebrity you’ve never heard of” for noth­ing, you know! I’m a bar­rel of fuck­ing laughs! I’ll have you and your fam­ily and friends howl­ing and piss­ing your pants in no time!

You can invite your friends, throw a party in my hon­our, I’ll sign auto­graphs, answer ques­tions, what­ever you want me to do. I’ll even show you my cock if you get me drunk enough!

It will be like hav­ing your weed-addicted funny uncle take over your lives for a cou­ple of days as I seek atten­tion in every con­ceiv­able way!

It will be just like all of your northlon­don­hippy dreams will come true all at once! Can you fuck­ing stand it?

And enter­ing couldn’t be eas­ier! All you need to do is send an email to me at thehippy@northlondonhippy.com with “come stay at my house you crazeee hipppeee!” in the sub­ject line and tell me why you think I should come stay with you for a week­end. Offers of sex­ual favours and drugs will get you bonus points!

Included in the prize is my per­sonal return air­fare or travel expenses to get to your town, one night out for you and your part­ner, friend, rel­a­tive or accom­mo­dat­ing stranger, every­thing else is on you.

This con­test is real and open to any­one over the age of 18, liv­ing in the afore­men­tioned areas, who has a spare pri­vate bed­room and the desire to hang with this hippy!

I’m the sole judge of the con­test and what I say goes, I can change the rules at any time and all of my deci­sions are final!

So that’s it, fuck­ers, the con­test is now offi­cially open and the count­down has begun! I’ll announce the win­ner in my upcom­ing, all singing, all danc­ing, and nos­tal­gic 500th extrav­a­ganza and will accept entries right up until I post num­ber 499!

So what are you wait­ing for! Get­ting email­ing right now!