I’ll start with an apology, which will then gradually transform into a series of lame-ass excuses.

I’m very sorry for my recent lack of participation here at northlondonhippy.com – I’m a sham, a loser and a blogger only worthy of your scorn. I’ve dropped the ball; let the side down; I haven’t posted so much as a whiff of anything in nearly a month.

For shame, hippyboy, for shame!

I can only apologise for my absence and beg, no plead, no beg and plead for your forgiveness. Please.

I wish I could chalk my disappearing act on something exciting and sexy, like I was off making my directorial debut or I was being held hostage by a gang of marauding terrorist-glamour models, but sadly that’s not the case. I just haven’t felt like it.

Oh sure, there have been moments in the last month, when I’ve had ideas and subjects that I wanted to write about, but I still haven’t logged in and blogged on.

And of course, I’ve missed you. Yes, YOU, my beloved hippyfan! I don’t want to disappoint anyone, ever – even if I’ve been a disappointment to so many people, already in my life. I didn’t want to extend this into my online realm too.

Too late!

I’m not only feeling like a disappointment, I’m feeling like a failure too. Yes, here starts the lame-ass excuses; get ready.

It was my birthday last month. So what? So it’s another year gone by in an ever-decreasing pool of good years left. That can’t be good.

It’s another year of me not fulfilling my potential. Whatever that potential might be. If anyone out there can tell me, you know the email address!

I’m depressed about the state of the world. That fucking cunt, George W. (for WHAT the fuck is he doing now) Bush is sending even more troops into the quagmire that is Iraq. That really pisses me off.

And worse, he’s ramping up the rhetoric on Iran. Don’t believe the bullshit, folks. Do we all need another pointless, unjustified, unwinnable war?

One is more than enough, thank you!

And climate change is winding me up. How can I write about whimsical fun things and drugs if we’re all going to get boiled like lobsters in the not too distant future?

The end of the world appears to be coming, not with a bang, but with the sustained ferocity of blowtorch. Set air conditioners to stun!

Even Celebrity Big Brother turned sour for me. What’s the point of me writing about it, when every journalist in the world is waxing lyrical on the subject? It became world news, so I really didn’t see the point.

But by far the biggest factor in my lack of hippyness is my lack of the one thing is this world that makes me who I am. I’m talking about: weed.

Good weed has been scarce since last summer and it has only gotten worse in the last month of two. I’m not a happy hippy without weed; in fact quite the opposite.

For most people, dope takes away their motivation, for me it is the reverse. Without weed; I don’t want to do anything creative. More than don’t want; I just don’t do anything creative without it.

So where is all the weed? Now that’s big question. I’ve got two answers for you.

The first is the cops; last autumn the cracked down on as many factory farms as they could. I can understand that because these factory farms are often set up unsafely, in suburban rental homes, unbeknownst to the owners, who have rented them in good faith. They’re fire hazards and they destroy people’s private property because the homes are gutted for this purpose. I’m missing the weed produced in these places, but I can’t argue with the logic of shutting them down.

Colour me conflicted.

The other problem is one that I find even more insidious and unscrupulous. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you “grit weed”.

I haven’t mentioned this before, but I’ve been aware of it for a while and in the last couple of weeks, warnings about it have appeared in the press, so its time I did say something about it.

Evil criminals are spraying living plants with tiny glass beads as they grow. The tiny beads are then impregnated into the buds, adding weight and giving it that frosted-crystal appearance. I guess it means they can harvest the plants sooner, instead of waiting for them to mature naturally, turning around crops faster while adding weight.

This shit is really bad! If you have any of this weed, I would advise you to throw it away now!

How do you tell if you have some, or more importantly, how do you spot it before you buy some. That’s easy, lick your fingers, then pinch a bit of bud between your fingers and rub it a bit. Then lick your fingers…If you feel crunching between your teeth, then it’s grit weed! Oh and don’t worry, apparently swallowing it is not harmful and it will pass through you undigested – or so I read.

Everyone has to be on his or her guard for this stuff and you need to refuse to buy it. If everyone stops buying it, then the scumfuckers will have to stop growing it, because they won’t be able to sell it!

So between the busts and the grit, life for this weedhead has been shit lately. I’ve had the odd bit of decent dope, but never enough to feel like I’m sorted.

And guess what? If you can find any decent dope, the prices have gone up and the quantities have gone down! This is the law of supply and demand at work.

Here’s the thing, why hasn’t capitalism kicked in? Clearly there is a market in Britain for good weed, yet no one has stepped in to fill this marketplace vacuum. I don’t get it!

I know it takes a few months to turn a crop around, maybe there are loads of new commercial farms, growing high quality, unadulterated cannabis right now and soon the market will be flooded with the stuff, but somehow I doubt it. Maybe some clever “business person” is working out a way to bring boatloads of the stuff here from Holland, but again unlikely. Smuggling stinky weed is not cost effective, when a planeload of coke or smack is far more profitable with around the same risks.

So what’s the answer?

Legalise of course!

As if.

The government has a responsibility to protect people and right now they are failing. A safe, legal and taxed supply of weed should be available for all responsible adults who seek it. As long as marijuana production and distribution remains in the hands of criminals, then problems like this will always plague us.

The other answer is to grow your own. I’ve read that there has been a big upswing in home growing since all this nonsense began last summer and it seems like a great way to beat the draught and the grit! I wish I had the space, or knew someone growing their own, but I don’t.

How about you? Has all this affected your weed intake? If the answer is “no”, then I would really like to hear from you, especially if you can get me some high quality, skunky bud! Maybe you’re so proud of your most recent crop that you’d like someone else to appreciate it. I’d be happy to be that person!

Everyone thinks I’m joking when I plead for weed. I wish I were!