The northlondonhippy

I was really expect­ing not to like this year’s BB. I’d already set myself up for bit­ter dis­ap­point­ment at what was going to be a dull series. So far, it’s been any­thing but dull and I’m lov­ing it, already!

It doesn’t take much to draw me in; just a bunch of fit, but stu­pid young girlies and other assorted human odd­i­ties, a small, enclosed space and lots of cam­eras. I’m a sucker, what can I say?

There were rumours of an all-female house, but I didn’t buy into them. I thought it was a risk the pro­duc­tion team wouldn’t be will­ing to take. How wrong was I?

As I watched the house­mates enter­ing the shiny new house, for the first time, I felt pity for many of them. They all just seemed so small, so lim­ited and so myopic with their sim­ple goals of fame and for­tune, for doing sweet FA. The best exam­ple of this is 19 year old Chanelle Hayes, the Posh Spice wannabe.

Chanelle comes from a small vil­lage out­side Leeds and lit­er­ally aspires to be Vic­to­ria Beck­man. I find that very sad, for as role mod­els go, VB cer­tainly shouldn’t be one, unless you value stu­pid­ity, van­ity and under-eating to nearly star­va­tion as some­thing to be cel­e­brated. Appar­ently, the news­pa­pers do, for this if the woman some much as farts (as if!), it is splat­tered on the front pages.

Chanelle is much bet­ter look­ing than ol’ Posh Pish­face and can prob­a­bly sing bet­ter too.

The first thing I thought when I saw the ini­tial 11 women in the house is that there wouldn’t be enough Page 3’s to go around. Most of them are going to want to don a thong, fold their arms artis­ti­cally across their as-of-yet un-surgically enhanced bosoms and smile pretty for the cam­eras, with an accom­pa­ny­ing inter­view detail­ing their Big Brother hell! Ok, maybe not Car­ole, but then again you never know.

Car­ole Vin­cent was an early favourite of mine, with her left lean­ing pol­i­tics and bisex­u­al­ity, what was not to love? But has she put any creepy moves on any of the other women? Has she done any­thing other than clean the house and act as a ser­vant to the rest of them? Big dis­ap­point­ment so far, but it is early days.

And speak­ing of crotch­ety old broads, how about that Les­ley Brain, appro­pri­ately named because of her enor­mous intel­lect. She really fan­cied her­self as so much bet­ter than the rest of her house­mates. She’s used to get her own way, and walk­ing all over any­one who impeded her. I can’t say I was dis­ap­pointed when she walked out on Sat­ur­day. Small loss, she didn’t con­tribute much more than snarky com­ments and dis­ap­prov­ing looks. Yawn.

The twins, Sam and Amanda Archant, fall into the pity cat­e­gory. They’re ever so cute and ever so dim, but their Page 3 pho­to­shoot will be a double-spread. Every­one will buy a copy of what­ever red­top is lucky enough to print the pics that day!

And stay­ing with the pity party, may I draw your atten­tion to the deluded Shab­nam Paryani, who won’t be appear­ing on Page 3 any­time soon, though in her mind she is wor­thy of that, and more. She’s weird look­ing, obnox­ious and thick, which makes her a triple threat in BB terms. If the evic­tion hadn’t been can­celled, she’d be mak­ing a pub­lic appear­ance right now at the open­ing of a Pound Shop on my High Street.

And speak­ing of can­celled evic­tions, I couldn’t believe the bloody stu­pid­ity of that ultra-dim Emily Parr. She was des­tined for Page 3, but not any­more, unless the BNP newslet­ter has such a fea­ture. I wouldn’t know, I don’t sub­scribe and nei­ther do you, if you’re a proper hippyfan!

What was Emily think­ing? Was she even think­ing? Did she really know what the word meant as it passed through her lips?

I bet she sure as shit does now! This is girl who thinks indy music is brand new and sweep­ing the nation! She has the men­tal age of 7.

But Emily wasn’t com­pletely stu­pid, as right after she uttered the offend­ing word, she quickly men­tioned sev­eral cor­po­rate brand names. Why? So they would dip the sound on the live feed? Clever, eh? She might not know any­thing about race rela­tions, but damn, if she ain’t media savvy! Shame it wasn’t enough to keep it out of the prime time high­light show or keep her in the house, but you can’t blame a gal for trying!

Were they right to boot her out? After Shilpa-gate, they didn’t really have a choice. They had to be seen to be doing some­thing, and swiftly. If they acted this quickly last Jan­u­ary with Shilpa and the witches’ coven, they wouldn’t be apol­o­gis­ing so much right now!

And who are the 900 peo­ple who com­plained that it was unfair to eject Emily? She can’t have that many friends and fam­ily members!

Emily was an aspir­ing actress and I said “was” inten­tion­ally. With that one word uttered fool­ish­lyy, she’s pretty much kissed her glit­ter­ing show­biz career good­bye. I don’t see how she can reha­bil­i­tate her­self back from this one.

Sorry, Emily, I’m sure you’ll Google your way to this page even­tu­ally. That’s my con­sid­ered opin­ion, but remem­ber it’s never too late to learn IT and com­puter net­work­ing skills! You’ll never go hungry!

I know I men­tioned Chanelle ear­lier, but I want to come back to her. Along with Nicky Maxwell, Chanelle has a good back­story; they both do. Nicky was raised in Mother Theresa’s orphan­age in India, before being adopted by a fam­ily here in the UK. Chanelle’s mother was a pros­ti­tute who was mur­dered and has also been adopted. I’m a sucker for a sob story, so are the tabloids. Only, and trust me on this, the tabloids pro­vide a lot in the way of lurid details than I will.

Charley Uchea is a nasty piece of work. She’s the sort of girl your mother would have warned you about, if your mother could have ever imag­ined that such a woman even existed! My mother could never have pic­tured Charley!

Hot body, ugly face, even uglier per­son­al­ity! Another BB triple threat. Buy her a drink? She’d want the bot­tle, and trust me mate, it wouldn’t be cheap! Her cousin plays foot­ball, that’s why she’s spe­cial. Page 3 chances: High, high, high!

Wangers.

Wangers?

When I was a kid, “wang” was another word for your din­kle, so wangers is a new one on me. I’m old, I don’t always keep up with the lingo you kids are using these days.

What­ever hap­pened to tits?

Laura Williams, AKA “Wangers” has ginor­mus breasts and a Welsh accent. She wants to be a funeral direc­tor, which is code for under­taker, which is fur­ther code for peo­ple who pre­pare the dead. Yuck. I don’t even like to touch raw beef or pork!

I don’t really get Laura, but appar­ently you all do, as up until the 2 new guys went in, she was the book­ies’ favourite to win!

Tracey Barnard scares me. She’s the sort of intense per­son who would cor­ner you at a party, get really in your face and spout her pas­sion­ate opin­ions on one sub­ject or an other for an hour or more and at the end of it, you still wouldn’t know what she was talk­ing about. Tracey is a type we’ve not seen before in BB (unless you count Bez from the celeb ver­sion), but a type none the less. Go on any demo, attend any ille­gal rave, or visit your near­est squat and you’ll find a Tracey-type, bor­ing he shite out of someone.

You’d think an old hippy like me would like Tracey; you’d be wrong. I did like the rumour they were test­ing her rolling papers for drugs, but that’s stu­pid. If she were going to smug­gle in some blot­ter acid, she wouldn’t do it on the cig­a­rette papers, but on the packet – prob­a­bly the flap – you know the bit you tear to make a roach! It’s made of card­board and far more absorbent. I just hope she does some­thing fun with it, like put it in the stew, so they can all trip their nuts off.

If only Tracey brought in some dull, rusty knives, then my BB dreams would really come true. Click HERE and/or HERE to see what I mean!

That’s the girls all well and truly slagged off, now what about the guys?

For­mer boy­band mem­ber and male model, Zak “Ziggy” Lich­man seems nice enough, in an innocu­ous, inof­fen­sive way. He’s dull, but the chicks dig him and isn’t that what really mat­ters. They deserve some eye-candy too. And I don’t blame him for zero­ing in on Chanelle, she is the hottest lit­tle hotty in the house!

Big Brother’s big twist when they put in the next two men was to send him a pair of gay guys. Whoa! What a turn! Gay men on BB, who’d have thunk it?

I haven’t really seen much of either one of them, so I will save my ini­tial impres­sions until my next post.

I don’t hate every­thing about this series, there are things I do like, they just don’t hap­pen to be the house­mates, that’s all.

I like the new house, I think the design is fan­tas­tic. I love the colours, the lay­out, espe­cially the lit­tle entrance­way to the diary room, with the colour-changing light strips. I like the new graph­ics and the eye as well.

Mainly, I still love the for­mat, even with the twists and changes. Lock­ing peo­ple up in a small, con­fined space and film­ing their every move is still pure, unadul­ter­ated genius.

I only wish it was my idea; then I would be filthy, stink­ing rich! I bet that’s a good thing to be. I’ll prob­a­bly never know.

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