Happy fucking xmas, fuckers!

I hope you all stuffed your faces and got got everything on your wish list; not limited to, but probably including: an iPhone, an iPod Touch, an iPod nano, a MacBook, a PSP, a PS3 and if you are seriously lucky, a Wii and if you are super lucky, naturally you found an nlh deluxe under your tree!

I’ve had a fairly normal xmas, well normal for me, because I’ve worked right through the holidays and I ain’t finished yet! I worked xmas eve, xmas day and I am working tonight, boxing day too.

Apparently, loads of people have to work over xmas, only I didn’t “have” to. I chose to and given the chance, I will probably choose to again next year.

Next year is a long way, away. Who knows what the next 12 months may bring? Do you? If you answered yes, then email me with some horse racing results for next week, or better yet the lottery numbers for the next giant rollover. Please?

The first xmas I ever sold was 18 years ago. I was offered the chance to do a shift in a newsroom in NYC for double pay, 400 cool dollaroonies.

Did I just type “dollaroonies”? I must be stoned.

I am.

I remember ringing up my mother and informing her that I was going to be a newswhore for xmas and I’d be missing the usual family gathering. That was 1989. She was less than impressed, but ka-ching! That was a lot of money! It still is!

As a kid growing up, xmas was a big deal and in my (now estranged) extended family, there was much celebrating to do with both my mother’s and father’s side of the family.

As I got older and we fell out with various branches of our family tree, xmas’s were downscaled, but still big events in my immediate family.

I liked it mainly for the gifts.

Xmas stopped being fun when I stopped getting bicycles.

The last xmas I shared with my parents was 1991 and every year since, I’ve either worked or just not gone. My dad died in Sept 2004, my mother is very disabled and has been confined to a bed, following a stroke in 2003 and now lives in a nursing home. That’s 13 xmas’s avoided.

I tried to write about all of this last year and I couldn’t finish it. I went into far more detail and skipping down memory lane was difficult, if not impossible and I gave up. I still have what I wrote, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to read it again. Hey ho.

For most people, I think the holidays are pure stress. All you need to do is visit your local high street or shopping district and watch how cunty everyone is to each other to see proof of this. Expectations have to be met at all costs, even if it means elbowing some old lady out of the way, so you can get the last copy of Nigella Express.

Xmas for me, has come to mean my family, my immediate family. When I think about xmas, I think about the four of us, my parents, my younger brother and me.

I can remember spending many xmas eve’s unable to sleep, because I was so excited; adrenaline coursing though my veins, making it impossible to rest.

I can remember the smell of my mother’s home-baked xmas cookies.

I can remember my dad swearing when he thought I couldn’t hear him, as he tried valiantly to assemble some crappy toy that wouldn’t survive in one piece for more than a week.

And I can remember my younger brother, just as excited as me, checking to see if our parents were awake at ridiculously early times, because we weren’t allowed to go downstairs until they were ready to accompany us for the ritual ripping of the wrapping paper.

I can remember more, much more, but it all just depresses me now because I’ll never have those times with my family again. I can’t.

These days, I don’t get excited about xmas, instead I count the seconds until it’s the 2nd of January. Then its all over and I can exhale.

Though when I think about that first xmas I sold, back in 1989, for 400 dollaroonies, I wish I could give them a refund. Four hundred bucks for one more xmas with my family would be the bargain of the millennium!

I hope wherever you are, all your holiday dreams came true and you spent it with people far less miserable than me. Maybe having me trapped behind a desk over the holidays is good for everyone, not just me. We’ll never know…

I purchased a full copy of Logic Studio, Apple’s audio production suite of applications and loops, at the end of October, when I bought my copy of Leopard. Around a week after that, I started installing Logic Studio; yesterday I finished.

Yes, you are reading that correctly, it took me 6 weeks to get all of the software properly installed and functioning on my iMac.

Why?

Simple, because one of the installation DVDs was no good.

The first time I tried to install the entire package, the sixth DVD of seven was spit out by my computer, around 7 hours into the process. The DVD in question, Jam Pack Content 2, had some problem and my drive couldn’t read it.

Being the resourceful sort, I decided to give it another try before contacting Apple. At the same point, around 7 hours in, the 6th DVD crapped out again. I phoned Apple.

Phoning Apple is never fun, they are always busy, you need to wait a while before you speak to the first human being and rarely can the first person you speak to, help you, necessitating a further wait. I was more relaxed this time, because I was armed with a fresh serial number and a recently purchased, boxed copy of Logic Studio.

After leaping successfully through all the right hoops, I finally got to speak to someone from the Logic department. I described my problem to him in detail and he agreed I had a duff DVD. He confirmed my details and said that a replacement DVD would be with me in 3-4 days. This was six weeks ago.

Like a twat, I sat by my front door, day in and day out, awaiting the knock of the postman or courier with my replacement DVD and every day, it did not arrive. I stayed cool, I stayed calm, I waited a couple of weeks and phoned again.

On subsequent calls to Apple, you are armed with something even better than a serial number, something they call a case number. A case number from Apple refers to the specific incident you’ve contacted them about and it makes it much quicker to navigate through the hoops to get to the person who can help you.

I got the same guy in the Logic department, he has quite a distinctive accent and that’s how I knew. He put me on hold to check on the status of my replacement and after a few minutes, he returned to tell me that it would be with me in 3-4 days. This was five weeks ago.

I continued to press my runny nose against my front window, patiently waiting for the delivery to come and making nasty, gloopy marks on the glass. I remained chilled, I was relaxed and as the holidays approached, I formulated a plan of action.

I also did a bit of research on the internet and discovered I was not alone with a damaged installation DVD. It turned out many people had a similar experience to mine, with the installation failing at the same point.

I’m guessing Apple had a serious quality control issue with DVD number 6 and getting them remade took a lot longer than expected. Or they just lied to me. Or both. It’s all very un-Apple.

I waited four more weeks, before deciding to phone Apple again and that was yesterday. Just as I was looking up their number on the ‘net to phone them again, there was a loud knock on the door and guess what it was! A courier with the replacement DVD. Yipppppeeeee!

I spent five more hours installing all the content for Logic Studio and at the end of it I was rewarded with a finished installation and all the loops and sounds in their proper folders on my hard drive. Result!

Though, to be honest I was hoping to have a long, drawn out argument with Apple which resulted in me receiving some form of compensation for my lengthy wait, but they stole my thunder with their well-timed delivery. If only I had phoned them a week before, perhaps I could have beat them out of some credit, or a free copy of Final Cut Express 4. Now, we’ll never know.

Now that I’ve got a full, working copy of Logic Studio cooking on my iMac, I can start thinking about my next big exercise in futility; my first northlondonhippy album.

Ladies, gentleman and stoners, I’m pleased to announce that coming sometime in the 2nd half of 2008, I will be releasing the comeback record from a career that never was!

I present to you for the first time anywhere, the title of my upcoming release:

“the northlondonhippy & the seven deadly sins - songs about sex and death”

My back-up band, “the seven deadly sins” are actually only a six-piece…Sloth keeps missing rehearsals.

I’ll be writing and recording the record over the next several months, aiming to release it for free on my website sometime this summer. I already have the bare bones of 5 songs in the works and ideas for the rest. The whole thing will be downloadable, along with cover art.

If 1 million people download this puppy, besides bankrupting my bandwith for a decade, I promise I’ll take my band and go on tour. No joke, no lie. I reckon if one million copies of this album are out there, sponsorship for a tour would be a piece of piss.

No DRM, no credit card numbers, it will be completely and totally free. I might make you handover your email address, so I can keep you up to date with a newsletter or something, but I would never sell, loan or give your details to anyone!

Here at HippyCo Industries Ltd (a division of HippyCo Enterprises plc), your privacy is important to us, just as is ours. For that reason, we’ll never phone you up at home for a chat or show up unannounced for a cup of tea.

Do you need some cool gifts for some cool people? This hippy is here to help!

Xmas is less than 2 weeks away and if you haven’t finished your holiday gift shopping, then you are just like everyone else! But you’ve got something they haven’t got…a certain north London-based hippy with a questionable character. I’ve got a few suggestions to help you out.

I find xmas stressful, everything is busier, people are ruder and nothing pisses me off more than queueing up to spend my hard earned money.

Let me share a tale with you from last Saturday….

Last Saturday afternoon, I made the rather unfortunate mistake of visiting my local supermarket in my car. It’s a large chain supermarket, with a large car park. I needed to pick up a few things and didn’t have a choice.

When I arrived at the supermarket, I noticed the queue of cars departing, but didn’t really think too much of it. The car park was quite full, but I managed to find a space without any stress. I decided to abbreviate my shopping list, grabbed a hand basket and swept through the shop quite quickly. I even found a till with no one waiting and was checked out in record time. And then the real fun began.

I returned to my car to discover the car park had filled up even more and the queue of departing cars stretched to the very end of the car park. It took me around 10 minutes just to get out of my space, because of being blocked by other passing cars, arriving or departing.

After getting out of my space, I joined the queue of departing cars, heading towards the exit and that’s when the real fun began. The line of traffic was barely moving and after 15-20 minutes, I phoned Mrs. H to warn her I would be a bit later than I expected.

After 30 minutes of not moving, other people were starting to get restless and I began to see examples of road-rage, or rather, car-park rage. Cars, were trying to cut into the queue of cars heading for the exit, others were trying to merge from unexpected directions. Then cars arriving, started queuing up for limited parking spaces, cutting off departing cars and allowing merging cars to jump in front. It was total car-park chaos!

Being the resource sort and maintaining my calm through the regular ingestion of cigarettes and chocolates from my shopping, I got the number for the supermarket and rang it from my mobile phone. I asked to speak to the manager, identifying myself as a customer trapped outside in my car. After a few minutes waiting, I was connected to the duty manager and I explained the predicament facing his valued customers just outside the doors of his shop. He was sympathetic, but blamed the local council for not allowing them to build more access to the car park. That was hardly going to help me out at 2pm on a Saturday afternoon, 2 weeks before xmas!

The manager suggested I phone the local police station, which I was only too happy to do. After getting passed the first operator, I was connected to the despatch desk at the local nick and I again explained the situation, pointing out the it could easily turn nasty and as well as near accidents with cars, I’d seen a couple of drivers leap out of their vehicles and nearly trade blows. The despatcher took my details and said she would send some officers as soon as possible. I didn’t see any before I left, around AN HOUR LATER!

Yes, I spent 2 hours in the supermarket car park, in my car, in the pouring rain. It was absolute hell and I wouldn’t wish an experience like this on any one, ever!

Which brings me to my main point, which is this…if you can, do all of your shopping online! Everything I’m going to suggest is available on the internet, so grab your credit card and getting ready to shop!

My top recommendation this year is an iPod Touch from Apple. I bought one for Mrs. Hippy and we’re both blown away by how good it is. The touchscreen is gorgeous, so user friendly and as I suspected, the killer app is definitely being able to surf the internet on it.

It’s actually a very usable, readable browser and its the first satisfying internet experience I’ve ever had on a hand-held device. To put this in perspective, I’ve surfed on various mobile phones and a high-end Palm Pilot and none have come close to this. The iPod Touch found my home network, let me put in the password and joined it instantly. The mobile version of Safari rocks, its fast, responsive and renders pages beautifully.

Oh and did I mention it plays music? And the video dazzling too, so is the photo browser. I haven’t hacked it yet, because it’s Mrs. H’s, not mine and I don’t want to end up bricking it on her. I’m holding out for a 2nd generation iPhone, hopefully that will come in the next few months.

I bought the iPod Touch from Amazon, £243 for the 16gb model, which is a real savings compared to other retailers, but your mileage may vary, so look out for the best deal. Also, don’t leave it too long as its considered one of the hot gifts this holiday season.

In general, I can recommend Amazon, they’re normally very reliable and they are good with delivery too. I shop with them so much that I signed up for Amazon Prime, which costs 50 quid for a year, but in return you get upgraded to next day delivery on everything you buy. I usually pay for next day delivery anyway, because of my erratic lifestyle, that way I never miss anything. I’ve already placed a few orders with it, so it will pay for itself in no time.

The other online retailer I can recommend is everyonedoesit.com or EDIT. The adverts you see on my site are from EDIT, as my endorsement of them is longstanding. They are also the exclusive distributors of the NLH Deluxe, the bong I designed, made by RooR in Germany.

EDIT stock a wide variety of goodies, from pipes and bongs to a wide selection of legal highs and one of the best stocks of cannabis seeds on the internet. If you like to party, or know someone who does, they’re certain to have something desirable.

Of course, you can check out the entire shop for yourself RIGHT HERE, I do have a few recommendations for you.

Check the Bushmaster Double Bubblers on this THIS PAGE. I’ve got the midnight blue one and I can’t recommend this pipe enough. It’s only 20 quid and its a real bargain, pieces this good normally cost lots more.

I cleaned mine out the other day and it reminded me what a useful piece of kit the SPACE CASE GRINDER is…I put all my bud through mine and around twice a year, I scrape out the crystals inside. You will be amazed how much you can collect, if you use it regularly to break up your weed. And if you think about it, everything you’re collecting, would probably just have been lost. I can’t believe everyone doesn’t use one!

I’ve heard lots of people complaining about the cost of RooR glassware and I won’t deny that some of their pieces are pricey. That said, you get what you pay for and RooR quality is the best you’ll ever find. But if you don’t want to spend a fortune, here are a bunch of RooR pieces that all cost under 100 pounds, including one (that I own) that costs under a tenner! That means you can give someone a piece of pure RooR quality, no matter what your budget may be!

I’ll start with the CLASSIC THREE PIECE WATER PIPE, which is a piece that I own. It’s a great looking water pipe, well constructed and it smokes so sweetly, you will love every hit!

How about a RooR gift set, including a RooR bong for only 65 quid? Check out ROOR GIFT SET 5! And check out the rest of the RooR gift sets RIGHT HERE.

And if you want a full sized, proper RooR? No problem, we can still do that for you and here’s 4 models from the RooR red range, with 3.2mm glass, that cost between 85-100 quid! Go on, check ‘em out RIGHT HERE.

And remember, I said there are RooR pieces under a tenner? Check out the MINI-STEAMROLLER, for only £5.95. I’ve got one of these too and its my favourite tiny pipe. It’s perfect for a quick blast, when you need a little hit to take the edge off life.

But what RooR gift guide from me could ever be complete without a shameless plug for my pretty little baby, the “RooR Custom 5.0 - northlondonhippy deluxe” - the best bong in the world! Of course, I’m biased, because I designed it and it carries my name, but trust me I’ve smoked out of loads of pipes and nothing hits as well as my bong. It costs a bit more than other bongs, but trust someone who’s smoked out of it a lot now, its worth every goddamn penny! Treat yourself, or treat someone you love, you won’t be disapppointed!

The best news about all the goodies I’ve mentioned from EDIT is that they have it all in stock right now for immediate shipment and that includes the NLH Deluxe! I know the NLH Deluxes have been hard to come by, since the initial shipment sold out, but they’ve got ‘em now!

Xmas doesn’t have to be stressful. If you can visit my site, then you can visit Amazon or EDIT, or any one of a number of sites which will ship things to you quickly. If you can avoid the shops, the malls and the high street, you’ll make your life a lot easier and isn’t that what we all want? Trust me, you don’t want to lose 2 hours of your life in a car park!

I’ve read a bit about Republican presidential candidate. Ron Paul and his rather sensible, if controversial views, but seeing him effortlessly field questions about drugs with rational, intelligent, informed replies is a wonder to behold.

My brother sent me this YouTube clip of Mr. Paul being interviewed by American television network, ABC’s John Stossel and the first two minutes are well worth your valuable surfing time:

I hate to say it, but this guy hasn’t got a hope in hell of winning. I know he’s got loads of support, I know he makes sense, but the powers that be will never allow anyone who talks that straight anywhere near the White House! If it looked like he had a chance, they would cook the election again. Anyway, the chances of him getting the nomination from the heavy christian-fundamentalist-ruled Republican party are slim to none.

It’s a real shame, because it sounds like Ron Paul could make a real difference and America would never let someone with that capability to run the show. Maybe we should all just elect him president of the world instead?

It’s become very clear to me that I’ve already blown my “100 posts in 100 days” challenge. It’s time to abandon ship, because this captain’s not going down with it.

My intentions, as always, were admirable, but as usual I let myself down in the delivery. As much as I would like to post something every single day, my erratic lifestyle just doesn’t make it possible to sit down with the prerequisite focus and inspiration as often as I would like.

To put it more bluntly: I suck.

If this blog was my full time job, then yes I could make several posts a day. But until this blog can provide me with a six-figure annual income, it won’t be my main focus.

To put this in perspective, one of the things distracting me from blogging over the last week was putting together my long-overdue accounting for my media empire, for tax purposes. Having done the sums this week, I can tell you that I am running my empire at a loss. Being a media tycoon costs me money and not a small amount either. Any revenue this blog generates is quickly swallowed by my expenses.

This is not a cry of poverty, my full time job provides me with ample income and I can afford my media empire losses without any hardship. I won’t be seeking donations to my paypal account. I don’t even have a paypal account!

As I am the chief sponsor of my own blog, perhaps I should replace my banner advertising with some of my own, but that would be silly, because if you’re already on my site, you don’t need to see adverts for it - you’re already here!

The only money I generate from this site is through my affiliation with EDIT including their exclusive distribution deal for my beloved “RooR Custom 5.0 northlondonhippy deluxe”. If you’re going to shop at EDIT anyway, and you click through my site, you’re handing me 10% of whatever you spend, so if you want to say thanks the best way anyone can (with cash!), please feel free to do it. I know quite a few of you do that, anyway and I don’t often mention this, but again, prepping up my taxes has made me take a good look at my finances.

I know I could take on more advertising, but I really don’t want to. I suppose for the right price, I would consider a single sponsor with very deep pockets, but there’s a higher likelihood of me sprouting a tail and I don’t expect to be wagging one any time soon!

So what else have I been up to this week besides my dreaded taxes? I had a sight test and ordered my very first pair of middle-aged man reading glasses. It was either that, or have my arms stretched. Ask your parents to explain that one to you.

I also went to my dentist and had the middle-aged crud scraped off my teeth. It was precisely as pleasant as it sounds.

I’m really lucky, I’ve got a good, local NHS dentist. He’s walking distance, his office is never busy and you can almost always get an appointment. I know there’s supposed to be a shortage of NHS dentists, but dig it I’ve got a groovy one and don’t email me asking for his name. I like the fact that its never busy there, so it will remain my secret.

Tomorrow I’m taking the Yaris in for its annual service (one year or 10,000 miles), which is technically a bit fucked, because I have only had the car for around six or seven months and I’ve only put less than 3,000 miles on it. Toyota say its due because it was new a year ago and they had it on the road as a company car, for all of 1,600 miles. It’s not expensive and I can live without the car for a day, so what the fuck.

Today, Sunday, I had a delivery from IKEA. I finally got around to getting a new mattress. Our bed is around 10 years old and it was time. Luckily, you can now shop online with IKEA, which is a very good thing.

The bed frame is still in perfect condition, so we saw no need to replace it, but our old mattresses were showing their age. The bed is a superking size, originally from IKEA, so the easiest solution was to get the replacements from them as well.

Their website was ok, nothing fancy and many of the items listed were not actually available to order online, but you could check the stock on the item at your nearest branch. Great, but that defeats the purpose of shopping online.

I hate going to IKEA, it’s always crowded, it’s always stressful and at the end of all that effort, you have to hand your purchases over to the independent delivery people, who if you’re lucky, lug it to you within a few days. Even with the meatballs from their restaurant, I’d rather not go if I don’t have to. Thankfully, the online gods of shopping were smiling upon me and everything I needed to order was available for delivery from the website and I checked out.

IKEA phoned a few days later to confirm my delivery, which was not the date I was given by the website at checkout, but a few days later. A Sunday. That’s quite impressive, especially for normal people with Mon-Fri jobs, but for me it matters far less because of my erratic lifestyle. The middle of last week would have been better for me.

The delivery was painless and the 2 guys who brought me the stuff were cool. Now, all I have to do is wait for the council to come collect the old mattresses and my work here is done!

Following on with my consumerism, I am being forced to buy something unexpected - a new sound system, sort of. My present stereo, a cheap Technics mini-system is having some serious problems and is prone to cutting out completely. A few gentle taps on the top and the sound returns, but this is not a sustainable solution. I’ve been forced to research AV amps and receivers.

Fuck me, its confusing. Consumer audio has become a minefield of complexity which has left my head slightly spinning. I’ve finally settled on a model from Pioneer, which I haven’t actually ordered yet, chiefly on its features, price and most importantly, availability. It’s a VSX-917V if that means anything at all to you, 7.1, HDMI switching, blah, blah, blah.

I haven’t even got the space for 5.1 sound, nevermind 7.1, but I am thinking I might opt for 3.1 - center, left, right and subwoofer. I’m not sure yet, I haven’t really gone as far as speakers. My simple plan is to use some old speakers initially, as I expect my old stereo to die any day and I’ll need to make a quick swap to the new one. If we ever move house, this system can grow a bit.

I’ve got three audio sources, which are all digital, SKY+, my Sony DVD recorder/player and my Mac mini. Oh wait, I have a fourth analogue signal, which feeds out of my Bravia’s Freeview receiver.

My biggest problem, as always, is space. My new amp, when it comes, won’t fit where my old mini system stereo is, which means I’m going to have to tear down my entire media centre and rebuild it from scratch, including all the cabling. What fun!

On the plus side, the new AV Amp will do all my audio switching for me. At the moment, audio switching is the one weak link in my system as it requires you to get off the sofa, go to the media centre and manually turn the dial. That means changing sources will all happen at the touch of a button, audio and video because I have a Logitech Harmony 885 remote.

Oh shit, I will have to reprogram the Harmony when I install the new amp. Damn, this stuff is all so complicated, luckily for me, I’m very techno-friendly!

The other thing I have been researching is espresso machines. We currently got a combo coffee maker, a big drip pot on one side and a steam espresso maker on the other. I’ve never, ever used the drip maker and the espresso side makes really lame coffee.

In doing my research I’ve discovered that steam powered espresso makers burn the coffee because the water is too hot when it is forced through the filter. What a true coffee lover wants, or rather needs, is a proper pump machine.

Pump espresso makers aren’t cheap, but it sounds like if you want to make proper espresso, its your only choice. And if you are going to use it every day, which I would, it would pay for itself in no time.

Think about it, a decent cappuccino costs around two quid or £2.50 from a coffee bar. Let’s say £2 which is on the low side I expect, for a tall one, every day for a year, would be £730 and the coffee makers I’m looking at cost a lot less than that. I haven’t factored in the actual coffee, milk or sugar costs, but they would not be that significant compared to the cost of the machine.

I’m very tempted by a Gaggia, they are well reviewed and extremely popular, but I haven’t decided yet.

This will sound silly, but normally I consult Which Magazine on purchases such as this. I’ve yet to go wrong by following their Best Buy advice and as a consummate consumer, I’d like to continue this guidance, but Which has not reviewed them in over 2 years! Times change, models change, their Best Buys from two years ago just aren’t valid any more!

What’s a coffee loving hippy to do? I might actually have to decide for myself without the benefit of advice from the experts who test all these machines side by side and report on the one that’s best value for money. I’m all about value for money, dammit! What if I buy one that comes up poorly in their next survey? Then what? Do I just throw it away and buy the one they tell me to or do I suffer for years with a substandard device?

These are the problems that currently plague me. It’s a tough old existence, fraught with hardship at every turn. Modern life presents many challenges, but confronting my coffee conundrum could just very well be the most significant difficulty ever faced by a cappuccino sipping-hippy. Well, that or deciding whether or not to switch off my father’s life-support machine, I’d say its a toss up.