The northlondonhippy

Archive for March, 2008

I’m not stu­pid. I’m well aware my pres­ence hasn’t been felt in these parts for nearly a god­damn fort­night. The usual expla­na­tions and lame-ass excuses apply.

Or as we’ve pre­vi­ously estab­lished, I’m crap, but hon­est about it. That’s more than politi­cians or your boss would ever admit, so I still rock, just a little.

I don’t like it when I drop off the face of the vir­tual earth and often I am plagued by guilt and feel­ings of worth­less­ness for not pro­vid­ing you with a con­stant sup­ply of ready made enter­tain­ment and laughs aplenty…just as I am right this second.

Yes, it’s going to be one of *those* posts again, where I say very lit­tle, but still hit a thou­sand point­less words. I promise a few jokes along the way.

Here’s one I remem­bered from years ago, back when I was a far more unpleas­ant per­son to work with:

==========
Other Per­son: Blah blah blah (in a nasty tone)

Me: Do you know what hap­pened to the last per­son who spoke to me like that?

OP: (Bemused shrug)

Me: Nei­ther does his fuck­ing fam­ily!
==========

Trust me, deliv­ered with right amount of men­ace and glee, it will end most, if not all heated argu­ments rather swiftly and as long as there are no reli­able wit­nesses, it can’t really be clas­si­fied as a direct threat, so you’re cool.

You know, I for­got to mark my anniver­sary a cou­ple of weeks ago. Even sil­lier, it was the date of my pre­vi­ous post, the 18th of March. Yep, kids the hip­py­blog of your dreams is 4 years old. Can you dig it?

I can’t believe I’m still doing this, what­ever it is exactly that I do here. We know its not really blog, it kind of mas­quer­ades as one though. I don’t really sell any­thing directly, though of course you can still buy my bong (and as a quick foot­note, they appear to be back in stock on EDIT, but they don’t seem to stay there for long).

What started out as a made-up on the fly nick­name for the EDIT forums has turned into a global media empire. Ok, maybe not an empire, more of a part time hobby for a manic-depressive, obsessive-compulsive, nar­cis­sis­tic sociopath with an absurdly large cock. I mean really, if I was in pro­por­tion to it, I’d be eleven-foot tall!

But I digress, as I often do…as I always do, in odd direc­tions with sur­real asides, but you still all put up with me. You tol­er­ate my lit­tle quirks, my twisted vision of the world, and lest we for­get, my giant prick.

You guys, yes you, out there in inter­net­land, you’re the ones who really mat­ter in this equa­tion. I’m just the cheap enter­tain­ment, the court jester, the laugh­ing on the out­side, rot­ting like death on the inside sort of clown you’d cross the street to avoid, yet you all keep com­ing back and you keep bring­ing along your mates!

As way of thanks to my loyal fans, I’m going to run a long over­due con­test with an actual prize bought with my own actual money. That’s right, gen­uine swag from the hippy, but I’m not going to tell you what it is yet, because I haven’t ordered it. I want it in my hot, sweaty hands before I promise it to the world. That’s fair and rea­son­able, isn’t it.

So thanks to all of my hip­py­fans for giv­ing me a rea­son to keep doing this. If I’m any­thing to go by, when a tree falls in the for­est and there’s no one around, it really doesn’t make a sound. Thanks for hang­ing out in my for­est and let­ting me make noise…and that’s where this stu­pid sim­ile ends.

Oh and I didn’t make it to 1000 words, but 681 ain’t too shabby.

Check this out:

It’s over 6 min­utes long, but I promise, it’s worth it.

Don’t have 6 min­utes? Ok, you can read THIS VERSION in 2 mins, from the NY Times.

Per­son­ally, I think this is the first ratio­nal expla­na­tion I’ve ever heard on the nature of exis­tence and it deserves a much wider audi­ence. Please spread the word!

Now that you’ve read the NY Times arti­cle, or watched the video, read the title of this entry again.

Ok, who’s with me?

I have to say, I was more than a bit miffed at being excluded from the Observer Newspaper’s top 50 list of most pow­er­ful blogs. I guess this is just another main­stream media plot to keep my mes­sage from reach­ing a wider audi­ence, but I will not be silenced!

And there’s always next year! Make sure you write your MP or con­gressper­son and point out this hor­ri­ble injustice.

Ah-hem.

The real rea­son I’m here is because the pope clearly must read my blog and he doesn’t like it and he doesn’t like me. Well, matey, the feel­ing is very mutual.

A while back, I con­firmed the exis­tence of my band, “the seven deadly sins” when I announced the upcom­ing release of my album. It seems the pope didn’t like this move and he’s try­ing to sti­fle my cre­ativ­ity by updat­ing the 7 deadly sins for our mod­ern age. I guess god has finally made an appear­ance in the 21st cen­tury and about time!

The new top seven sins accord­ing to the pope are as follows:

1) Envi­ron­men­tal pol­lu­tion
2) Genetic manip­u­la­tion
3) Accu­mu­lat­ing exces­sive wealth
4) Inflict­ing poverty
5) Drug traf­fick­ing and con­sump­tion
6) Morally debat­able exper­i­ments
7) Vio­la­tion of fun­da­men­tal rights of human nature

Ok, there’s one on that list that wouldn’t be there, if it weren’t for his hatred of me and that’s num­ber 5…drug con­sump­tion. The pope’s get­ting his revenge on me with that one, but it’s not the only one…

Genetic manip­u­la­tion! My pub­lished work in recom­bi­nant DNA research is well known and I only missed out on a Nobel sci­ence prize because of some ill con­ceived pub­lic com­ments I made while drunk on power, fame and 151 proof Bacardi!

And yes, I’ve vio­lated the rights of human nature, for accord­ing to the catholic church, that’s an easy one as its their def­i­n­i­tion of sodomy. Oh and before you think I am some sort of ass ban­dit, sodomy at its most basic def­i­n­i­tion includes oral-genital sex­ual con­tact. Guilty!

The pope is out to get me! He knows my lib­eral ideas and secular-humanist val­ues threaten his exis­tence as a silly old white man in a white dress!

But never mind him! What about my band?

The drum­mer, wrath, doesn’t want to change his stage name to “genetic manip­u­la­tion” and sloth, who never makes it to rehearsals, would have to start show­ing up…

I’m sure glad I’m an athe­ist and I don’t believe in any of this non­sense. I mean, come on, eter­nal damna­tion? Give me a fuck­ing break!

Sin is far too much fun, any­way. I don’t see any­one stop­ping, do you?

My easy month is fin­ished now, it was really around 4 and 1/2 weeks of min­i­mal work and max­i­mum hip­py­time. So how’d I fare?

About as expected, I got most of the things I need to do com­pleted, but there a a hand­ful of sig­nif­i­cant goals yet to be accom­plished. As we all know, there’s no such thing as “enough time”.

From tomor­row, I’m back on the tread­mill; that ham­ster wheel that wage slaves every­where under­stand. You gotta keep it spin­ning, no mat­ter what.

For the next six weeks or so, I am bloody busy, then I have a gap to catch my breath. After that, its anybody’s guess, and I mean that quite literally.

No mat­ter how much I try to get a bit ahead, it never works. With my erratic and unpre­dictable life, find­ing time to do sim­ple things can be impossible.

You can only do, what you can do, and there’s no point wor­ry­ing about it either way. Words to live by.

When I work lots, I fall into a rut, a rou­tine exis­tence of work, sleep and more work with pre­cious lit­tle else in between. I become a robot; an automa­ton; I trans­form into a shift-machine. For me, that’s nor­mal, but I’ve always been a closet work-aholic.

OK, there have been no clos­ets involved. My hunger for work has never been a secret, I’ve always been keen.

My prob­lem is I crave struc­ture and para­me­ters, I am sus­tained by being part of an organ­i­sa­tion. When left to my own devices, while capa­ble of sus­tained effort on a project, I strug­gle with moti­vat­ing myself. I work bet­ter with clearly defined goals, dead­lines and rewards, much like a lab rat learn­ing a maze, know­ing there’s a bit cheese await­ing me when I com­plete it.

I’m not get­ting enough cheese.

What’s worse, is I enjoy work­ing on my own stuff, very much, but the dis­trac­tions of daily life seem to be the main thing get­ting in the way. I should make an effort to work less, so I can work more on my own things.

Eas­ier said than done.

Most things are.

Hey ho.

We all pre­tend we’re in con­trol of our own lives and des­tinies, but its an illu­sion. Our pro­gram­ming and sub­con­scious hold more sway over our behav­iour than fate or free will. Free will is another one of those illu­sory ideas that we all sub­scribe to.

The Amer­i­can come­dian, George Car­lin once said some­thing along the lines of “that today, free­dom means being able to choose between Coke and Pepsi”.

Gosh, I’m sud­denly thirsty!

The United Nations wants to jail Amy Wine­house. Oh, and Kate Moss too. They want to see celebri­ties pun­ished more harshly for drug offences, to send a mes­sage to the rest of us.

What the fuck?

Don’t they have more impor­tant things to do at the United Nations? Like bring­ing about world peace, feed­ing the starv­ing, solv­ing cli­mate change? I’d cer­tainly put those three issues ahead of a few spoiled rich peo­ple enjoy­ing a toot or two.

Do peo­ple really think that any­one takes drugs because celebri­ties do? You know, that Pete Doherty smokes crack, maybe I should too? He looks so good on it!

I’m not mak­ing this up, it’s in all the news­pa­pers today and I’ve seen the story on TV too. What a waste of breath, print and air­time! My favourite ver­sion is in today’s SUN NEWSPAPER.

The UN is far too involved in global drug pol­icy and the UN is effec­tively a global spe­cial inter­est group directed by the world’s most pow­er­ful nations.

Peo­ple take drugs because they make them feel good, not because some celebrity enjoys them. No one should be pun­ished for drug use, unless that use causes other prob­lems. I’d have no issues with arrest­ing some­one on smack for run­ning some­one over with their car. If you’re high on H, you shouldn’t be dri­ving, but if you’re high on H at home, it’s nobody’s busi­ness but your own!

If any one organ­i­sa­tion should be advo­cat­ing the full inter­na­tional legal­i­sa­tion of drugs, its the United Nations. They have the sta­tis­tics, they know what a large part of the inter­na­tional econ­omy the drug trade is and they know how it could ben­e­fit from sen­si­ble inter­na­tional con­trols. But will they? Will they, fuck!

No, the UN will remain a largely irrel­e­vant body, unless you believe the con­spir­acy the­o­ries about black heli­copters and world dom­i­na­tion! Trust me, the United Nations could barely organ­ise lunch for 6 peo­ple, I don’t think we have to worry about them try­ing to take over the planet, though if they did, at least we wouldn’t have to worry about career crim­i­nals like Amy Wine­house and Kate Moss roam­ing free!

Yo homies, what up?

Besides the cost of petrol and your cholesterol!

I wouldn’t worry about your cho­les­terol all that much, mat­ter of fact, I’d advise you to have the whipped cream on everything!

I’d actu­ally advise indulging your­self in every con­ceiv­able way at every pos­si­ble oppor­tu­nity. I know, that’s what I usu­ally endorse, but this time its with good reason.

James Love­lock, the man who dreamt up GAIA THEORY and a host of other envi­ron­men­tal mod­els, says that we’re way beyond the tip­ping point as far as the envi­ron­ment is con­cerned and only have until around 2020 before the seri­ous shit hits the seri­ous fan and most of us croak.

Here, check it out for your own badass self by read­ing this inter­view with him from the Guardian a cou­ple of days ago. Go on, CLICK HERE, it’s inter­est­ing reading…

What’dya think?

I thought, make mine a dou­ble vodka and I’ll have the 2 girl exec­u­tive spe­cial, please!

Reject his assess­ment if you wish, that’s what hap­pened with many of Lovelock’s pre­vi­ous claims…until they were accepted uni­ver­sally as fact. The guy’s a vision­ary, I’d heed his words.

The truth is, no one seems that both­ered. This story is only cur­rently run­ning 2nd most pop­u­lar on the Guardian web­site, after the lat­est in the US pres­i­den­tial cam­paign in first place.

Quite frankly, even though this is sin­gu­larly the most impor­tant issue fac­ing the planet today, most of us would just rather not know. Oh yeah, we say, cli­mate change, isn’t that a bitch?

I don’t think any of us truly grasp the enor­mity of what may be com­ing, if we indeed believe the experts…and our own eyes!

I’m not exactly Mr. Nature, but even I can see the plants and ani­mals react­ing to the changes in cli­mate. For fuck’s sake, I have some weird pur­ple flow­ers bloom­ing in my gar­den today! I’ve seen hon­ey­bees buzzing about! None of that can be good!

So what does all this really mean? I don’t know…higher temps, more heat related deaths, the seas rise, Lon­don floods, trop­i­cal dis­eases and pests move fur­ther north, the food runs out, oil runs out, money becomes use­less, soci­ety degen­er­ates into some post apoc­a­lyp­tic night­mare and then we all die.

Well, all except the rich and the pow­er­ful, they flee to their secret bunkers at the north and south poles, where they hun­ker down for gen­er­a­tions, until the planet calms itself down again and sur­face life becomes pos­si­ble again.

Pleas­ant dreams…

All this stuff leaves me think­ing one thing: I need a gun. No, not for self-preservation, but pre­cisely the oppo­site. If it all really does go as bad as they’re sug­gest­ing, I want a sure fire method of spar­ing myself all this non­sense and a bul­let through the skull is the only guar­an­teed method I know.

In the mean time, order the steak, can­cel your pen­sion and smoke ‘em if you got ‘em, there’s not all that much more time left, so enjoy!