Archive for October, 2009
October 18th, 2009 | 
Author: Blah, blah, blah.
That’s what other people’s excuses and apologies sound like to my jaded ears. Just so much noise and hot air.
I’ll spare you mine. I don’t actually have any. I just haven’t bothered to post anything here.
Call me crap-ass if you like. Mr. Crapass. Crappenstein. Crapfuckingtastic.
Just don’t ever call me late for dinner. You can ask your grandparents where that one comes from because its older than they are.
Its not that I don’t come up with great ideas for things to write about every day, because I do. Coming up with this shit’s not hard, sitting down and doing it is.
I always seem to have something else to distract me away from doing something semi-productive and nearly useful, like writing one of my patented hippy things. Ok, I haven’t actually patented them, because someone already beat me to it and got the patent on crap.
I’d rather be day dreaming. I’d rather watch tv, or read or pass out in a drug induced stupor.
Alright, truth be told, its been years since I’ve been in any sort of stupor because I don’t do those naughty drugs any more. I don’t even drink and trust me, if you’re aiming for a stupor, booze is most definitely your bestest buddy.
The only reason I’m gracing you with my presence now is that I popped onto my own website and noticed how long it had been since I bothered to post anything and I thought, “fuck man everybody gonna think I be dead or some shit like that”.
Yes, I my inner voice sounds like that, doesn’t yours?
So here I am, after a nightshift and a couple of spliffies, spewing utter rubbish just for the sake of having something semi-current on the top of my home page. Do people even call them homepages any more?
Maybe I’m just losing touch. I genuinely had to look up some words in the Urban Dictionary that the kids are using these days, because I didn’t fucking understand them.
Maybe I am your grandpa.
Oh yeah, we’re approaching my birthday, its only a couple of months away. Is it too early for me to start my annual moan about ageing and middle age and dying and death and yada yada yada?
Apparently not.
I was going to write something about zombies the other day. I can sum it up for you. I saw Zombieland. I liked Zombieland. I like Zombies. Zombies scare the beejeezus outta me because they are dead, right, but like they’re walking around and you know, they want to eat your brains, only you can’t kill ‘em, um…because like they’re already dead?
Ok, that’s not really my review of Zombieland, though I did see it and I did like it, but that was an actual review I overheard on the street. I might have made up the beejeezus part for comic effect, but the rest is pretty much word for word what I overheard.
I was going to stretch all that out to 1000 words. You don’t have to thank me for sparing you that zombified opus, just send cash or provide sexual favours to me and all my friends.
How cool would that be if random strangers from the internet offered to shag my friends, just because I asked them too. I’d be the most popular guy around. You’d want to be my friend too. I can sort you out with random hook-ups, no charge.
Wait a second, if I have random strangers willing to sleep with people I know, I’d be a fool not to charge something. How about a handling fee? That sounds fair. Shall we call it £200 quid for the hour, you can talk extras directly with your internet date upon arrival.
You see, this is how people suddenly become pimps. One minute, your just typing some crap on the internet, the next you’re running a stable of pros.
Snoop Dogg’s life suddenly makes a lot more sense to me now.
