This is just a quick one for those of you who have been dropping by looking for the “northlondonhippy BB column”.

And how do I know you were looking? I know because I am sad and I occasionally look at my user logs. Don’t worry, I’m not spying on you and I wouldn’t know how to spy on you, online, anyway!

What I do glance at (and I have mentioned this before) are the search terms used to locate my site. Running quite high at present is “northlondonhippy BB column” and its really nice that so many of you remember…but haven’t you all heard of bookmarking! Trust me, I’m worth it.

I’m sorry to disappoint my fellow BB fans, but I haven’t watched any of the current series, not a single moment. The format just didn’t grab me.

BB is about the people in the house, not the voice of Big Brother. The fact that for the most part, we usually don’t get to see the occupant of the “voice of god booth” is a good thing.

Making a feature out of the voice of BB by casting various celebrities is a lame idea. Changing the format was an ill conceived idea, executed by people who were too quick to give in to the slightest whiff of controversy and pressure. It lacks backbone and conviction and is a total cop-out. It also cheapens the BB brand.

Look at how it has been relegated to E4, which many people without digital television still don’t receive. And where’s Davina? Even her greedy management could smell the rotten stink on this one and gave her the winter off.

And how about that Dermot O’Leary? Sure they are letting him front this series, which is his last on the programme, because Dermie thinks the X-Factor is a better bet. I believe I read in the newspaper that even he has been critical of this series and I had to read it twice to make sure my mind wasn’t playing tricks on me. Talk about biting the hand that feeds you! Even I don’t publicly criticise my employers like that (though privately is another story).

I’m sure I would be watching if it was just plain ol’ c-list celebrity BB, I’d even be watching if it was a regular BB, minus any celebrity component, but this current rubbish has no appeal to me.

If they’ve lost me as a viewer, they have really fucked it up this time. If I was to guess, I would expect the final decision to shift the format rests with Channel 4 and not Endemol, but I have no evidence to back up this supposition. C4 handled the whole Shilpa Shetty thing badly and I reckon the same suits hijacked this series of BB.

This is the first year in the history of Big Brother that I’m not feeling withdrawal after the series ended. I wasn’t as attached to the housemates as I have been in previous years. I wasn’t as attached to the entire programme. I’m not really sure why.

Sorry I haven’t been quite as prolific as I could have been on the topic of BB. I did continue to watch faithfully though and now that it’s finished, I thought I would share my final thoughts.

For me, Big Brother 8 was the most manufactured, self-aware series so far. The format has been around too long for it to be any other way. We all know what to expect, from the viewers to the contestants, which means the program makers have to work that much harder to confound our collective expectations.

This year, there were a lot of confounded expectations.

“Fake Week” was a prime example of this as the producers twisted everything up into all sorts of pointless frivolity.

Except it wasn’t pointless, was it? It amused us. Ok, it amused me.

A lot this year amused me, it seems like the theme of “fun” really did weave itself through the series. Some of the fun was cruel and if I was on the receiving end of the cruelty, I would have a different view of it.

Showing the Halfway-Housemates the entirety of nominations was a masterstroke of nastiness. Revealing nominations in general inside the house is cruel, but there was a level of evil in this particular move that surprised even me.

The quiz in the final week was also quite mean, as BB showed each housemate something both embarrassing and private as part of the task.

All of this self-referential stuff is sending everyone a message: Nothing is off limits, inside the house. Anything you say or do could potentially be used to upset your standing in the house. In future, contestants might be more careful and guarded about what the say in their private chats or even the diary room!

As much as I don’t want to admit it, Charley was the star of the show this year and it was less entertaining after her departure. Or rather, there was far less conflict in the house which I equate with entertainment. Charley’s problem will be converting this into some sort of media career. Good luck to her, but I think she’s a bit of one-trick-pony and they will struggle to find suitable vehicles for her.

Chanelle’s departure also left a gap in my viewing. Aside from being nice to look at, her tantrums were pure comedy gold. They say she’s made £750,000 already, which is astounding. Now that Ziggy’s out too, I expect they will both clean up even more. I sure hope they got a lot of money for their rather embarrassing photo-shoot in the Star on Monday. If you didn’t see it, they were both posing together, in their undies, in a hotel bed. Cringe!

Poor Ziggy. I liked him. He isn’t a bad guy; he’s just very neurotic. He genuinely fancied Chanelle, it wasn’t just for the cameras. He easily had the roughest ride of anyone in the house this year and doesn’t deserve our scorn. We should all chip in a fiver each, so we can pay for his long-term Jungian analysis, which after a couple of decades might get to the root of his neurosis. Until then, he’ll just have to make do with shagging Chanelle and making money off their celeb-value.

I was glad to see Brian Belo win. He’s the Essex version of Forrest Gump and people always go for the thick-o. Except I don’t think Brian is that thick, he’s just not educated well. He’s your typical English lad and probably the world’s biggest BB fan! I think its great that a proper fan won the show, instead of someone who claimed not to really watch it much. Well done, Brian.

I was actually expecting a twinny-win, as Sam and Amanda are just so likeable. They didn’t put a foot wrong in the house which explains why they didn’t have a single nomination throughout the series.

I was glad to see Tracey go a week before the final and I’m even happier I’ll never have to hear her inane catchphrases ever again. She was like a character from a bad novel written about reality tv; a poorly sketched caricature consisting of one shallow dimension. Yawn.

As for the rest, well they’re all pretty inconsequential really. The one I liked the most that I thought should have had more time in the house is Amy. Aside from being a tasty bit of eye candy, Amy seemed bright and genuine. She should never have become such a figure of hate within the house and if she had better taste in men and ignored Liam, she might have gone further.

The one thing I noticed this year was the number of people who I’ve spoken with who have taken great pride in proclaiming that they haven’t watched BB this year and that BB was a failing, dying format. It was as if people decided they were too good for it this year. How wrong they are!

BB continues to be annual event television, filling Channel 4’s coffers with loads of dosh. The ratings were down this year, but the programme continues to deliver the right demographic that advertisers love and in the younger age groups, interest remains very high. Maybe I just only talk to aging media-types. I need to get some cooler, younger new friends!

And if there were any doubts over the future of the next series of BB, Davina promptly put them to rest last Friday night, when she opened the audition call for BB9. If you want to spend next Summer inside the BB house, be ready to dazzle the BB producers, starting in November. Good Luck!

I do want to thank all 23 housemates who spent time in the house this year. One way or another, each of you entertained me in your own special ways and for this I am grateful. And thank you to my hippyfans, who have put up with my sporadic output and stuck with me for my thoughts on BB.

This will be my last formal BB column, I’m not going to do it again next year. I won’t say I’m never going to comment on BB again, but I won’t be doing it in such an organised way. I hope you’ve all enjoyed reading it all as much as I’ve enjoyed writing it.

But fear not, this hippy still has plenty of other interesting things to bring you, so don’t be a stranger, OK?

Polly Vernon, writing in today’s Observer newspaper, claims that the current series of Big Brother, is the best one yet.

You can check out what she says by clicking RIGHT HERE.

I know my output on BB hasn’t been overwhelming this year, but it’s not because I’m not enjoying the series. I’m still watching and I am still digging it too.

I haven’t had that much time to write about it. I haven’t really been that bothered. I think, this year, is my last year of formally trying to blog about BB. I think, as a topic for me, it’s stopped being fun.

I’d rather write about things that inspire me more.

All that said, I’m going to do one last piece on this series of BB at some point in the next week or so. I owe you all that much!

In the meantime, check out that link I provided to the Observer. I agree with most of what Ms. Vernon says. You might, too.

Yes. Yes, I am.

I haven’t stopped watching it. I just haven’t written about it in a while. I’m a bad hippy and deserve a spanking, but don’t get any funny ideas about sending Jonty ‘round to do the honours. This hippy don’t play that way.

Not that there’s anything wrong with a little bit of light spanking, I would just prefer that it were Channelle administering my much deserved punishment. As if she would even look in my general direction while having one of her infamous strops, let alone smack my ass for all she was worth!

Ah-hem.

The residents of the house have certainly changed since last I commented on it. We’ve had a fake housemate, we’ve seen Channelle walk and Charley evicted, twice! We’ve also got five new best-friends, though after tonight, there will be possibly two less of them.

It seems to this more than casual observer of BB, that the producers have had some clever gimmick up their sleeves every week of this run. A lot of it has been entertaining and amusing, but all of it is feeling somewhat manufactured. I guess that’s what the format has become, after so many years of it. It’s had to change and evolve, to keep us all watching.

I’d watch anyway, but then I’d watch paint dry, if it was smeared all over a dozen complete strangers!

It’s been a weird series for me, I haven’t really warmed to any of them, but then I don’t really hate any of them either. My reaction to them is as bland as a conversation with the twins.

I find Gerry nice, but too whiny and moany. I like Carole, but she doesn’t really shine either. The twins are cute, in a very immature way. I could go on, but you get the idea.

I bought the Ziggy and Channelle relationship completely. No one would put themselves through that much angst and bullshit, if they didn’t really have feelings for each other.

I disagree with all of you who think Ziggy was using her. No, I don’t think she was the love of his life, but I think his intentions were genuine. He liked her; he would have dated her properly outside the house if he could have. He couldn’t, instead he had to live with her for 2 intensive months.

Chanelle liked Ziggy too, but I go back to what I said before. She’s the sort of girl who always has a boyfriend, and to her it’s like a cast change in a play. A lot of the shit she was taking out on Ziggy was more than likely baggage from previous relationships, redirected at him.

In real terms, a two-month relationship in the house is probably equivalent to a full year in the real world. It would be more intense then you could ever imagine. I don’t envy either one of them, not even the sex. I can’t see a self-conscious shag under a duvet and the gaze of a dozen cameras can be very satisfying. I’ll never, ever know.

I was glad to see Charley go, I think she outlasted her usefulness. She was amusing to watch at first, but her shtick grew old and tired, fast. How can someone be like that, with everyone, all the time? It’s just so unpleasant. Would you spend time with someone who behaved like Charley? I wouldn’t, unless I was empowered with the right to deliver a well placed backhand to the chops, when it all got too much.

Bye, bye, Charley. It’s back to obscurity for you. Channelle’s well-timed walk has stolen your week and your thunder, at least if the tabloids are any measure. Oh wait, they are.

I enjoyed fake week, which I realise must seem like ages ago now. Thalia/Pauline was hot, the tasks were amusing and I loved how wound up they all got by the misinformation. The plane with the banner about the other house was great!

I was impressed that Carole seemed to see right through each and every one of BB”s tricks that week. She’s a sharp one, sometimes.

I can’t say I’m blown away by the halfway housemates and the twists that followed, especially since it’s ended up with three of them back where they started, ready to be booted out the door. I think mainly, it was the apparent randomness of the final twist, sending Ziggy, Liam, Amy and Jonty into the main house that ruined it for me. There was no drama, no sense of the unexpected, it was just down to a whim of the producers.

Maybe this whim was pre-planned, but it had the feeling of damage control. “Oh, shit, we can’t lose Ziggy or Liam, and the Jonty guy would be a waste if he left without a spanking. And if we’re going to keep Liam, we might as well keep Amy too, so he can have a sexy, buxom, canny lass to play with…”

You get the idea.

They’re willing to risk Tracey, but she doesn’t really bring that much to the show anyway, so it’s a calculated risk. Near as I can tell, as it’s a double eviction tonight, she’s vulnerable, so we could still see some drama and real tears.

David is a gonner tonight, people have taken an instant dislike to him and his giant, overconfident ego. Only Gerry will be disappointed to see him leave, but he didn’t have a hope in pulling him, so its probably for the best.

The other evictee will be either Shanessa or Tracey. I’d rather see Shanessa stay, as she is real comedy gold and car-crash TV at it’s finest. I’ve never been a Tracey fan, though I should be because we both like to get off our faces. I find her dull and her repetition of those innane catch phrases just doesn’t float this hippy’s boat. I might even feel the need to cast a few votes myself.

The real question is, what happens to the two people left in the halfway house? Do they move into the main house? Do the two leaving tonight get to choose a 3rd to come with them, live with Davina?

How the hell should I know? I’m sitting here on my sofa, slack-jawed and wide-eyed, watching it myself, just like the rest of you!

There’s only a month left, so I guess we’re around two-thirds of the way gone. Anything can happen and it’s not 100% that Brian is going to win. It would be cool if he did, because he always makes me laugh.

It’s always interesting to see what words people stick into Google and other search engines, which lead them to my humble, little website.

I receive a wide variety of statistics via my website hosts, but I always like checking out the search-terms section. It’s always good for a laugh.

This is the current list, for the month of July, to date, counting up from number ten:

10) “north london hippie” – my name, spelled wrong, with spaces. I’m glad it still leads to my site and I’m glad people search for me, even with the mistakes!

9) “billi bhatti” – him off Big Brother, evicted a couple of weeks ago. As you will see, BB names are popular on this list.

8) “purple ohms experiences” – a couple of years ago, I had a bad time on these pills. I took too many, I had an unpleasant experience. They’re legal highs and I think they are still available, now in non-BZP form.

7) “northlondonhippy” – now that’s more like it, spelled correctly, without spaces. I feature twice in my own top ten, which means my brand awareness is high and getting higher. Just like me, I’m getting higher too, right now…!

6) “RooR Pocket Friend” – a fine pipe from my friends at RooR. I’ve written about mine a few times. Usually, there are several RooR-related search terms in the top ten, but when I write about Big Brother, that tends to overtake it. Go figure!

5) “charley uchea tits” – Thus begins the breast obsession at the top of the list, nearly all BB related.

4) “victoria beckham topless” – see, more tits. As if I would post pictures of that beanpole with fake boobs!

3) “chanelle hayes masturbation” - BB related, but not so breast-centric. Does anyone know if these pictures do exist? I wouldn’t post them, but I might like to see them myself, purely for research purposes.

2) “shabnam paryani topless” – I don’t really get this one, especially as it is so high up on the list. Do people really want to see her topless? I don’t even want to see her clothed! She’s scary!! People have very weird tastes and interests, but this is the internet, so I shouldn’t be surprised.

1) “expanding theory” – A while ago, I wrote up a silly little theory about what I thought the effect of the universe constantly expanding would have on us. I was very high at the time and it was total bollocks.

Google doesn’t seem to think so, for if you put “expanding theory” into the world’s largest and smartest search engine, this is what you get as your top hit: CLICK HERE

Go on, check it out. My site is the top hit! Read it!

Do you really think I am an expert on the subject? Should I win a Nobel Prize for innovation in science?

I should very much think not!

I don’t know if you found that interesting, but as always, I am interested in what you have to say. I’d like to take an informal survey:

Please email me with how you found my site. Did you stumble upon me via a search engine? Do you remember what you were searching for? Maybe you saw a link to my site? Where?

However you found me, I’d like to know. Please email me at thehippy@northlondonhippy.com - I won’t spam you or give/sell your address to anyone. I don’t even keep a mailing list. I’m just nosy.

Hands up if you’ve ever thought about being a housemate on Big Brother…

Go on, admit it, you’ve wondered what it would be like to be a contestant on BB. You’ve considered how you would deal with the situations. You’ve started a sentence with “Well, if I was in the house…”

I have too. Only, there is no way in hell I would actually contemplate auditioning for the programme. No way. I don’t want that sort of attention; I don’t want the press on my ass. I don’t want to ever be famous.

Except, of course, here on the internet.

As much as we may all imagine living in that little multicoloured house in Elstree, in reality we don’t have a clue what its like to be trapped in that camera-coated pressure cooker, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for a potential 13 weeks.

It all sounds beyond horrible to me.

Yet, I sit here, slack-jawed and wide-eyed, watching the highlights show, not believing what I’m seeing and thinking, “well, if I was in the house, I would never say/do/touch/eat…”; to whatever I was reacting to at the moment.

Talk about bullshit!

The truth is most of us would come apart at the seams under that sort of pressure and scrutiny. I also think a great number of us wouldn’t get beyond the psychological screening and I’d put myself in that group too. I’d crumble like a rag doll in days; or worse, snap, in a big, bad scary way by snapping a few annoying necks with a swift, deft, unexpected jerk of my arm.

I’m not fucking joking!

You wouldn’t want to see me in the house, anyway. Limited cigarettes, no dope, potentially naked and/or erect plus homicidal? Let’s leave all that to your furtive imaginations and not mine, because it is all far too foul for me to contemplate.

Please try to remember, we’re not in there. They are. We don’t know what it’s like for them, because we’ve never been in an environment like that.

But then, again, we don’t know any of them that well either.

We’ve got to be around day 21 now, which means we’ve really only had 19 days of highlights programmes (day 20 should be tonight – Tuesday).

If you’re like me, you watch the prime time, Channel 4 daily highlights programme. Its where I get most of my BB info because it is the official record of that day as put together by the producers.

To date, I’ve seen 19 evening highlights programmes, less 3 Friday night evictions shows and the Weds - £100,000 special. That means I’ve actually seen 16 normal highlight shows, 3 Friday night ½ hour/ one hour combos, and the one hour Weds big-money extravaganza.

Here comes the science:

16 highlights x 45 mins = 720
3 Fridays x 45 mins = 135
1 x Weds x 23 mins = 23
Total = 878 minutes

(all times are less commercials, Friday and Weds timings also allow for live interviews and Davina links, as well as adverts)

I can’t be bothered to work out the average number of people in the house over the course of those days, so I am going to pull a number out of my ass: 13.5 housemates on average per day over 19 days. If someone wants to be more accurate, I welcome your correction.

If we divide the number of minutes of actual house coverage by the number of average housemates, we come up with the average number of minutes we’ve seen of each housemate since the series started.

65 minutes.

That’s how much time, on average we have seen each housemate featured.

If you really think about it, the Ziggy/Chanelle romance tips the scales heavily in their favour, thus reducing the average for other housemates.

And if you then add Charley to the mix with the amount of screen time her tirades take up, you discover just how little you really know most of them.

Don’t worry, I’ll return to Charley shortly, but first I want to mention a couple of the nearly invisible people.

Wangers.

I just like the word. It makes me laugh. Say it out loud; it will make you laugh too.

Wangers.

Unfortunately for all of us, the person who owns that nickname isn’t as amusing. I can’t be the only one who finds her a complete misery guts? She never has anything nice to say about anything or anyone. She’s one big, blimp-chested bummer, man.

Maybe that’s just the bits they’re showing, maybe the footage of her turning cartwheels and telling funny stories is strewn across the (virtual) cutting room floor? Maybe, she’s the real entertainer of the house and they are hiding it away with the editing?

Nah!

And speaking of non-entities, how about Tracey?

Tracey features in the highlights so infrequently that one night I actually started to wonder if she quietly went out the backdoor and I somehow missed it. I’m not joking!

“Bring it on”.

“Well up for it”.

“Deal with it”

“’ave it”.

I’ve just saved you the trouble of watching her best bits, because they are her only bits!

For fuck’s sake woman! Do something!

I don’t think Tracey is stupid, I actually think she’s trying to be clever. She’s put a lot of thought into her behaviour in the house and arrived with a very simple game plan.

Tracey’s aim is to stay off everyone’s radar and coast as close to the final as she get, possibly even reaching it. And then, once that final hurdle is in sight, we’ll finally get to see a more life-like version of the real Tracey, though again filtered through her long-term game plan.

If Tracey can pull this off, it will be impressive, but I think there’s a good chance the rest of them are going to get sick of the catchphrases and she’ll be nominated again soon.

I think one of the weirdest aspects of this year’s series is the total lack of groups. In this house, it’s every man and woman for himself!

They all have allies and enemies, but it is far from tribal. Each and every one of them has a different friends and enemies list, with overlaps happening all over the place.

Zak and Chanelle are the closest to any sort of real allegiance at the moment, even if only based upon lust and yet they typify this weird dynamic. They both have different people they like and different people they hate and neither one of them really blinks any eye at the other over this.

Ok, Ziggy’s reaction to the Billi/Chanelle rumours not withstanding, but I think we’d all agree that romantic jealousy should be an exception to the hypothesis. The green-eyed monster can only fuck you up!

The best example of this “every man for yourself” phenomenon is Charley. See, I told you I’d come back to her.

Charley will claim to love each and every one of them, while telling them that that, “she’s not being funny, right, but…” insert insulting, profanity-laden shrieks at anyone else.

Charley is nice to people when it suits her and horrible to them when it amuses her. Just look at how she enjoyed humiliating poor Brian when he showed her his erection, which she knew she inspired. Then, commenting on his maybe-wank, with gleeful spite, while knowing the guy is 18 years old and her dirty, suggestive talk got his hopes up. Urghhh!

Or worse, taking the piss out of him because he pissed the bed. Not nice!

And by the way, can Brian really be that stupid? I can’t imagine anyone over the age of, oh I don’t know, birth…not knowing who Romeo, Juliette or Shakespeare is!

Was he putting it on? Was it an act, meant to make him popular?

If it was an act, it didn’t work.

If it was genuine, then oh my god, the future is fucked! Thankfully, climate change and global warming will mean that it won’t matter how stupid tomorrow’s generation is, because they’ll all be too busy killing each other over the last few drops of drinking water.

Ah, happy days.

The reason I’ve titled this abortion of a BB column “The Charlie Show” is simple, that’s what I’ve been watching.

You’ve been watching it too, only I bet you’re reluctant to admit it.

I was the same, but then I thought about how little we actually see and how much she dominates everything. I don’t like her, but I like watching her.

Think about it.

Really, take a moment, and ponder what I am submitting for your consideration.

Charley has been the star of the show. She’s the wannabe it-girl, you love to hate!

Check out my friends, the tabloid newspapers. She features prominently almost every damn day. The red tops are usually a good barometer for public opinion and on that basis, we are all enjoying watching Charley. We just wouldn’t want to invite her ‘round for a cup of tea.

That’s so cool with me.

The kind of people I’d invite over for a cuppa (wink – you know what *I* really – an exotic ciggy), are not the kind of people I’d want to watch on BB. My mates are all fairly well adjusted, sorted, normal types.

You know, like me!

Ha!

I think there’s a very good chance our girl, Charley, is going to be up for eviction this week and dammit all to hell, its too soon for her to go!

It’s week three and there are ten more weeks remaining. It is way too early for Charley to go. I’m not saying she has to win; I’m not even saying she has to make the final, but for the love of god, can we please not be stupid and vote her out too early?

Please?

PLEASE?

We’ve made this mistake in previous series, getting rid of the mad, crazy, (un)likeable ones first, only to complain it’s become boring a week or two later. Let’s just avoid this scenario, ok?

There will be other chances to get rid of Charley, I promise you.

Let’s all agree to leave Charley alone this week.

I will, if you will?

I inadvertently hit upon something in my last BB piece, which is indicative of the casting of the entire series. The more I’ve watched, the more this fact has stood out:

Everyone in there is very media savvy; they are very aware of the process and the part they are playing in it.

My first clue to this was when Emily Parr mentioned several corporate brand names, right after her racist slip of the tongue. She was hoping that they would dip the sound and spare her further embarrassment – well, we all know how that turned out!

The point is, Emily was very hip to the game, even if she was too pig ignorant to apply her knowledge with any great effect. Emily’s not the only one.

Let’s take everyone’s favourite housemate…to hate, young Charley Uchea. She’s apparently worked a pole dancer, that’s a form of entertainer; she had to deal with pubic, er public attention. I’m sure she knows what pole dancing audience wants to see. She’s also got a cousin who plays Premiership football, hangs out in all the “hot clubs” and has had sex with other “celebs”, at least that’s what the papers say. She’s more clued up than you might realise at first and she knows how to use it all to her advantage. If it wasn’t for her sour face and ugly personality, she might be a threat!

First evictee, Shabnam Paryani is another great example of this media awareness. On day 3, when she was considering a walk out the back door, did she ask about how quickly she could see her family? Did she ask if there would be mental health support? Did she even ask if she could have a hot meal once she got outside? Nope, all she was interested in was her “package”. No, that is not some vague reference to the rumour that Shabs is a pre-op transsexual. Shabnam wanted to know if she could still sell her story to a tabloid or glossy magazine. She wanted to know if she would get to appear on BBLB and BBBM. She wanted to know if her bra and knickers pics would be in a Sunday tabloid newspaper, with revelations of her secret love sessions with men AND women.

Shabnam didn’t walk, but her desire to disclose her sexual history while posing in her undies did appear in yesterday’s News of the World. So you see girls, being stupid and doing nothing doesn’t mean you can’t have your dreams come true! Who needs an education or skills?

And while I’m on the scary subject of Shabs, how about that ass-crack of an eviction routine! If that didn’t confirm how subnormally intelligent she is, what else would? How about the shrink on Sunday’s BBLB telling Dermot that her IQ was under 70? Yikes!

Yes, I know I’m being harsh, but that’s my point. Those who live by the media, die by the media and I should know, because I’m the media whore you all love to adore! But you won’t see me skulking around Boujis hoping to get papped!

This is by far the most self-aware group of housemates ever. They know the fourth wall is there and they are playing to it with reckless abandon, because they know if they can paint the right picture of themselves to the outside world, great riches await.

I’ll just throw some random observations out there, haphazardly drawn together from my own personal media monitoring:

- Seány O’Kane – travelled to the states to follow the Michael Jackson trial, was interviewed repeatedly by British TV crews, as the lone, crazy from back home, Reportedly auditioned for Bad Lad’s Army, was rejected for not being “mentally stable” enough.

- Shabnam Paryani – Appeared on Britain’s Got (no) Talent and some programme about embarrassing illnesses.

- Billi Bhatti – one of the new guys, a model who has done print work and, if what I read on forums is true, snogged a transsexual in a music video. Does anyone know if it was Shabnam?

- Jonathan Durden – millionaire, media company-owner and former commentator for the Guardian on advertising. Sound like a real media insider to me. What’s he doing in the house? Ladies and gentlemen, start your conspiracy theories!

- Chanelle Hayes – a posh spice look-a-like, making personal appearances as Victoria Beckham.

- Zak “Ziggy” Lichman – former boyband member, model and music producer.

I could go on, and on and frequently do, but you get the idea. This year, it is an open secret that fame and fortune is what they all crave. They all think that just on their looks and personality alone, we should love them and give them lots of money and adoration, but we know better.

I like the fact that they are all unashamed, wannabes. It brings an element of honesty to BB this year that we’ve not seen before. It’s a knowing wink from the producers, that they know that we know that the housemates know just what is awaiting them after a stay in that house.

In the first series, winner Craig Phillips wanted to win the seventy grand so he could pay for an operation for a young woman with Down’s Syndrome, which at the time, moved most of us to tears. Craig’s generosity was touching and genuine.

In this series, they all want to win so bad they can taste it. Then they’ll have the money to shop for clothing and sunglasses, so they can look nice on holiday in the Maldives where they get snapped, sunbathing topless “in the secret photos they didn’t want you to see”, which paid for the trip, plus a little extra for a pair or two of Manolo Blahniks.

Isn’t that what we all dream of?

I was really expecting not to like this year’s BB. I’d already set myself up for bitter disappointment at what was going to be a dull series. So far, it’s been anything but dull and I’m loving it, already!

It doesn’t take much to draw me in; just a bunch of fit, but stupid young girlies and other assorted human oddities, a small, enclosed space and lots of cameras. I’m a sucker, what can I say?

There were rumours of an all-female house, but I didn’t buy into them. I thought it was a risk the production team wouldn’t be willing to take. How wrong was I?

As I watched the housemates entering the shiny new house, for the first time, I felt pity for many of them. They all just seemed so small, so limited and so myopic with their simple goals of fame and fortune, for doing sweet FA. The best example of this is 19 year old Chanelle Hayes, the Posh Spice wannabe.

Chanelle comes from a small village outside Leeds and literally aspires to be Victoria Beckman. I find that very sad, for as role models go, VB certainly shouldn’t be one, unless you value stupidity, vanity and under-eating to nearly starvation as something to be celebrated. Apparently, the newspapers do, for this if the woman some much as farts (as if!), it is splattered on the front pages.

Chanelle is much better looking than ol’ Posh Pishface and can probably sing better too.

The first thing I thought when I saw the initial 11 women in the house is that there wouldn’t be enough Page 3’s to go around. Most of them are going to want to don a thong, fold their arms artistically across their as-of-yet un-surgically enhanced bosoms and smile pretty for the cameras, with an accompanying interview detailing their Big Brother hell! Ok, maybe not Carole, but then again you never know.

Carole Vincent was an early favourite of mine, with her left leaning politics and bisexuality, what was not to love? But has she put any creepy moves on any of the other women? Has she done anything other than clean the house and act as a servant to the rest of them? Big disappointment so far, but it is early days.

And speaking of crotchety old broads, how about that Lesley Brain, appropriately named because of her enormous intellect. She really fancied herself as so much better than the rest of her housemates. She’s used to get her own way, and walking all over anyone who impeded her. I can’t say I was disappointed when she walked out on Saturday. Small loss, she didn’t contribute much more than snarky comments and disapproving looks. Yawn.

The twins, Sam and Amanda Archant, fall into the pity category. They’re ever so cute and ever so dim, but their Page 3 photoshoot will be a double-spread. Everyone will buy a copy of whatever redtop is lucky enough to print the pics that day!

And staying with the pity party, may I draw your attention to the deluded Shabnam Paryani, who won’t be appearing on Page 3 anytime soon, though in her mind she is worthy of that, and more. She’s weird looking, obnoxious and thick, which makes her a triple threat in BB terms. If the eviction hadn’t been cancelled, she’d be making a public appearance right now at the opening of a Pound Shop on my High Street.

And speaking of cancelled evictions, I couldn’t believe the bloody stupidity of that ultra-dim Emily Parr. She was destined for Page 3, but not anymore, unless the BNP newsletter has such a feature. I wouldn’t know, I don’t subscribe and neither do you, if you’re a proper hippyfan!

What was Emily thinking? Was she even thinking? Did she really know what the word meant as it passed through her lips?

I bet she sure as shit does now! This is girl who thinks indy music is brand new and sweeping the nation! She has the mental age of 7.

But Emily wasn’t completely stupid, as right after she uttered the offending word, she quickly mentioned several corporate brand names. Why? So they would dip the sound on the live feed? Clever, eh? She might not know anything about race relations, but damn, if she ain’t media savvy! Shame it wasn’t enough to keep it out of the prime time highlight show or keep her in the house, but you can’t blame a gal for trying!

Were they right to boot her out? After Shilpa-gate, they didn’t really have a choice. They had to be seen to be doing something, and swiftly. If they acted this quickly last January with Shilpa and the witches’ coven, they wouldn’t be apologising so much right now!

And who are the 900 people who complained that it was unfair to eject Emily? She can’t have that many friends and family members!

Emily was an aspiring actress and I said “was” intentionally. With that one word uttered foolishlyy, she’s pretty much kissed her glittering showbiz career goodbye. I don’t see how she can rehabilitate herself back from this one.

Sorry, Emily, I’m sure you’ll Google your way to this page eventually. That’s my considered opinion, but remember it’s never too late to learn IT and computer networking skills! You’ll never go hungry!

I know I mentioned Chanelle earlier, but I want to come back to her. Along with Nicky Maxwell, Chanelle has a good backstory; they both do. Nicky was raised in Mother Theresa’s orphanage in India, before being adopted by a family here in the UK. Chanelle’s mother was a prostitute who was murdered and has also been adopted. I’m a sucker for a sob story, so are the tabloids. Only, and trust me on this, the tabloids provide a lot in the way of lurid details than I will.

Charley Uchea is a nasty piece of work. She’s the sort of girl your mother would have warned you about, if your mother could have ever imagined that such a woman even existed! My mother could never have pictured Charley!

Hot body, ugly face, even uglier personality! Another BB triple threat. Buy her a drink? She’d want the bottle, and trust me mate, it wouldn’t be cheap! Her cousin plays football, that’s why she’s special. Page 3 chances: High, high, high!

Wangers.

Wangers?

When I was a kid, “wang” was another word for your dinkle, so wangers is a new one on me. I’m old, I don’t always keep up with the lingo you kids are using these days.

Whatever happened to tits?

Laura Williams, AKA “Wangers” has ginormus breasts and a Welsh accent. She wants to be a funeral director, which is code for undertaker, which is further code for people who prepare the dead. Yuck. I don’t even like to touch raw beef or pork!

I don’t really get Laura, but apparently you all do, as up until the 2 new guys went in, she was the bookies’ favourite to win!

Tracey Barnard scares me. She’s the sort of intense person who would corner you at a party, get really in your face and spout her passionate opinions on one subject or an other for an hour or more and at the end of it, you still wouldn’t know what she was talking about. Tracey is a type we’ve not seen before in BB (unless you count Bez from the celeb version), but a type none the less. Go on any demo, attend any illegal rave, or visit your nearest squat and you’ll find a Tracey-type, boring he shite out of someone.

You’d think an old hippy like me would like Tracey; you’d be wrong. I did like the rumour they were testing her rolling papers for drugs, but that’s stupid. If she were going to smuggle in some blotter acid, she wouldn’t do it on the cigarette papers, but on the packet – probably the flap – you know the bit you tear to make a roach! It’s made of cardboard and far more absorbent. I just hope she does something fun with it, like put it in the stew, so they can all trip their nuts off.

If only Tracey brought in some dull, rusty knives, then my BB dreams would really come true. Click HERE and/or HERE to see what I mean!

That’s the girls all well and truly slagged off, now what about the guys?

Former boyband member and male model, Zak “Ziggy” Lichman seems nice enough, in an innocuous, inoffensive way. He’s dull, but the chicks dig him and isn’t that what really matters. They deserve some eye-candy too. And I don’t blame him for zeroing in on Chanelle, she is the hottest little hotty in the house!

Big Brother’s big twist when they put in the next two men was to send him a pair of gay guys. Whoa! What a turn! Gay men on BB, who’d have thunk it?

I haven’t really seen much of either one of them, so I will save my initial impressions until my next post.

I don’t hate everything about this series, there are things I do like, they just don’t happen to be the housemates, that’s all.

I like the new house, I think the design is fantastic. I love the colours, the layout, especially the little entranceway to the diary room, with the colour-changing light strips. I like the new graphics and the eye as well.

Mainly, I still love the format, even with the twists and changes. Locking people up in a small, confined space and filming their every move is still pure, unadulterated genius.

I only wish it was my idea; then I would be filthy, stinking rich! I bet that’s a good thing to be. I’ll probably never know.

Where’d the last year go?

It seems like it wasn’t that long ago that I was previewing the seventh series of Big Brother, and now here I am writing about BB 8, which launches on Channel 4 this evening.

Can you feel the excitement?

Neither can I.

Usually, there is more of a build-up to the start of a BB series, but it seems to me that there’s far less of a buzz. It seems that the whole thing is distinctly low key.

That’s probably intentional following the international controversy surrounding Celebrity BB, a few months ago. Remember? Shilpa Shetty vs Jade Goody? How could you forget!

The producers of BB, Endemol, don’t want any trouble, yet they know that the programme is really only successful when there is conflict. Channel 4, on the other hand, view BB as the cash cow that it is; it’s responsible for generating the lion’s share of C4’s annual income, so they want to be as cautious as possible.

C4’s desire to avoid any problems have led to various rumours: about a crack police squad monitoring the live feed, with powers to arrest housemates or shut the entire thing down; newspaper reports that C4 has vetoed several potential housemates for being a bit too “wacky”, instead insisting on safer choices. And most of all, they have stated that the theme of this year’s series is “fun and love”.

Oh dear. I really hope most of that is bullshit. Personally, I’d rather see the police out on the streets, arresting violent criminals, not watching TV for three months!

The house design is meant to reflect this sense of fun. They’ve put the cooker in the bedroom! Crazy, man! They might even deny them a toaster and kettle! Good, golly, gosh, what will they do?

Am I sounding a bit jaded this time around? Damn straight, I am. BB is supposed get bigger, meaner, wilder, and nastier, every year and it feels like we’ve taken several giant steps backwards.

I don’t want a kinder, gentler, Big Brother. That would suck in so many ways and on so many levels. I want twists, I want conflict, and I want people to hate each other! That’s not too much to ask for, is it?

There’s one wildcard in all of this, that will compensate for whatever steps the powers that be take, to keep things level and that’s the 12 new housemates. Even with all the screening and psychiatric testing, they are still just people and that makes them unpredictable. It’s down to them to do things that keep us all hooked.

And we will be hooked, we always are; the programme is addictive. I don’t know about you, but I have an addictive personality and just can’t help myself. Once I start watching, I know I’ll stay with it till the bitter end. You will too.

As I’ve said countless times, I am a sucker for the format. What does that say about me? What does it say about everyone who watches?

It says that deep down, we’re all voyeurs and given the chance, we’d sneak a peak at anything.

Do your ears perk up when you hear someone whispering? When you see a married couple bickering in a shop, do you try to secretly glance their way, to see what you can pick up? And when your neighbours argue, do you turn down the TV, to try to hear what they are saying?

Big Brother is almost the same, though you need not hide your shame when you stare at it, full-on, wide-eyed and slack-jawed. Big Brother appeals to the secret Peeping Tom in all of us.

Controversy will always find a way, where BB is concerned. I’m sure no matter what they do to keep things calm, it will still make the front pages of the newspapers before the summer is out. “Big Brother in SOMETHING shock” the headlines will scream.

At the very end of the series, so says another rumour, they are going to blow the house up, as they are moving to a new location next year. That would imply that the explosives would need to be set before the finale, in and around the remaining housemates. Is that safe? Does it matter? At least it insures one way or another, that we will see some sparks fly inside that house!

So there you go, that’s my little look ahead to the next three months of BB. Expect sporadic hippy coverage of Big Brother 8, right here, whenever I feel like it.

It seems I’m not the only one writing about Celebrity Big Brother.

Since my last entry, it appears that the entire world, from here to Mumbai and back again, is talking about one thing: Celebrity Big Brother!

Who would have thought that a humble little television show could cause such international chaos?

Not me, that’s for sure, but in the last day even Tony Blair and Gordon Brown have weighed in on the subject. Yes, Big Brother is the big story!

All of this controversy has turned what I would describe as an otherwise fairly sub-standard series into history making television. It is now officially the most complained about programme ever!

It’s also improved the viewing figures with a million or more people tuning into the highlights show on Channel 4 over the last couple of nights.

As always, Endemol win, but they’re not the only ones.

As horribly as Shilpa Shetty is being treated, when she emerges from the house, she will be more popular and more well known then ever before. As an entertainment-business commodity, she will be demand here in the UK as well as in India.

And if she wasn’t a Bollywood superstar before, she certainly is now! According to the media, her fellow countrymen and women are very upset at how she is being treated by her CBB co-stars. There have been protests, government statements; even her mother did the rounds on TV here in the UK to defend Shilpa.

But Shilpa requires no defence; for she has done nothing wrong, except to agree to come to the UK and appear on CBB. If she asked me, I would have told her to give it a miss.

Shipa’s support is not just coming from India, as there are many people in the UK from varied backgrounds, who are behind her as well. We’re not all racist louts!

The biggest loser of this series has got to be Jade Goody and it will take a lot of work and skilful PR for her to regain her status in the industry. She’ll play the race card herself and remind us that she is one-quarter black, but that’s no excuse. There is no excuse.

I don’t actually believe racism is at the heart of all of this, though it certainly has played a part. At the root of the collective hatred of Shipa by the evil three in the house is even more basic. She’s different.

If Shilpa were a posh, rich, white chick from Chelsea, they would all still hate her; they would just choose different ways of insulting her. If anything, differences in class and decorum are the more obvious reasons; the fact that Shilpa is from India, just gives them an aspect of her being to verbally attack.

Jade, Jo and Danielle are not very bright; they do not know much about the wider world around them and are woefully ignorant of other cultures. If Shilpa were some classless, rude, skank, they would be friends with her, regardless of her skin colour.

The rumour is that Shilpa will be up against Jade for eviction on Friday night. I sincerely hope this is true, as I think Jade deserves the most shockingly bad reception ever as she comes out of the house and Shilpa deserves to stay. Dialling fingers to the ready, my beloved hippyfans!

Actually, Shilpa deserves to win! Let’s make it happen!