Well fuck me, look who it is!

I mean me. Where the hell have I been?

I’ve been nowhere, doing nothing. Honest, officer, I swear.

That’s not strictly true, because I am still the part time libertycityhippy, so you know where I’ve been hanging out sometime.

I’ve also been working a fair bit, but my schedule has been all over the place without any sort of pattern, rhyme or reason.

I’ve been distracted, I’ve been unfocused, or as it say in the larger, yellow font above, I’ve just been “coasting through life.” That means anything requiring the slightest of effort has been relegated to another day…and when another day comes, I am gonna be one busy hippy.

I wish I could be telling you otherwise, that I’ve been busy recording my album, or writing another book, or providing sexual favours to a small gang of voraciously demanding 16 year old glamour models. I wish I could tell you lots of things, but I won’t lie to you.

I can’t lie to you. It would be easier if I could.

I get up everyday and seem to be busy, I don’t actually just sit in a dark room all the time, yet I couldn’t tell you what eats my time away. Maybe its some time-eating monster from another dimension.

How cool would that be? To be a time-eating monster from another dimension, travelling to north London to eat hippy time. I wonder what time tastes like?

Probably time tastes like chicken. Everything tastes like chicken.

Never mind time monsters, now its just time to meander…

I was very disheartened and sad to read of the passing of George Carlin, yet another big influence on me when I was younger. Along with Hunter S and Kurt V, George Carlin was a hero of my youth.

I used to listen to George Carlin’s albums endlessly with an absolute obsession. His humour, on the surface, could be seen as crude, but when you explored what he was actually saying, it was genuinely profound. His comedy dealt with word-play and idea-play and nothing in this life escaped his critical gaze.

Just off the top of my head:

Words that go together, yet are contradictory:

Jumbo Shrimp
Military Intelligence

But the words he’s most famous for are the following seven:

shit
piss
fuck
cunt
cocksucker (not a bad man, but a good woman!)
motherfucker
tits (sounds like a snack. I’ll have the cheese tits)

And later on he added:

fart
turd
twat

And one that still makes me laugh, “You can prick your finger, but you can’t finger your prick.”

Carlin continued to perform practically right up to his death on Sunday, his final gig was the previous weekend. While in the business for nearly 50 years, his jokes never went stale and he never, ever ran out of material. How could he? The human race excels in stupidity and that could have continued to fuel his humour for centuries.

Sorry to see you go, George. You left your mark on this world and we won’t ever forget you. Something tells me that another generation will be discovering you very soon, thanks to your untimely demise.

Speaking of death (and inappropriate segues), my Logitech Harmony 885 remote bit the big one this week. It thinks its working, when you press the buttons, but it doesn’t seem to be transmitting any infrared signals. This is a bummer of enormous proportions, as it it is the central command for my small, yet perfectly formed media centre. My life is now awash with too many device-specific remote controls.

The upside to this is that the remote is still under warranty and I am waiting for a call back from Logitech support which I hope will result in them sending me a replacement. The first guy I spoke to tried to help me sort it out over the phone, but his remedies didn’t do diddley. I’m missed their return call yesterday, but they should phone me back again later today.

And staying with my electronic theme, I cancelled my Vodafone contract today, in anticipation of having a brand new, shiny, lickable iPhone 3G on launch day, which is 11th July, just over a fortnight from today. Vodafone were surprisingly mellow about my departure, no hard sell, the phone call was brief and painless. Actually, the guy was so nice, I told him I was switching to O2 for the iPhone - usually I don’t tell these people anything, so this is out of character for me. I’m a marketer’s worst nightmare!

Once I get my fancy new iPhone, I’m going to experiment with blogging from it. I’m not sure how it will go, but I like the idea of providing short posts on the fly. We’ll see if the reality keeps up with the fantasy!

I did consider playing around with Twitter, but I got frustrated at the registration phase. The character limit of your screen name on Twitter is far too short and I couldn’t fit northlondonhippy into the tiny little box. None of that matters anyway, I mean who in their right mind would sign up to follow me around on Twitter? How many times can you read: “had a piss, now smoking a spliff”, over and over every day?

While you ponder that, I’m going to go for a piss, then smoke a spliff.

See, I told ya it would be lame…

I haven’t really weighed in on the upcoming US presidential elections yet and I thought it was about time I did.

I think I was waiting for the field to narrow to the final two candidates and like most of the world and media (of which I play a small role), thought it would have been resolved by now. It just goes to show you what the media knows…sweet FA.

Except me, of course with my crystal balls and amazing predictive powers of foresight.

I’ve always joked that newsrooms should replace their forward planning desks with psychics anyway. Just imagine if someone could tell you where to put a TV camera for the next big plane crash or political assassination. Talk about a world exclusive!

And speaking of political assassinations, why are people so obsessed with someone bumping off Barak Obama. You know, some wacko doesn’t have to kill the black candidate. It’s not a rule, or even a suggested guideline. It’s actually reprehensible to suggest it, but the suggestion is out there, far more than you might expect.

My friends over at ANORAK NEWS, have been charting the OBAMA DEATH CULT, thanks to public comments by former Republican candidate Mike Huckabee and now HILLARY CLINTON.

These are just the two most recent and high profile examples, but there are more.

Why is everyone so afraid of an Obama presidency?

I think the answer to that is quite complex and anyone who says its just down to racism, is missing the point. I’m not going to deny there is a racist element to it, because it is certainly a component and for some, the only reason, but there’s more to it than that.

Obama represents change and a break from the past. He is, if nothing else, creating an illusion, that he will take America in a different and more progressive and dare I say, liberal direction. Whether or not that is true, remains to be seen, but he is certainly marketing himself that way.

So many people wouldn’t be talking about some nut killing Obama, if they weren’t afraid of him.

I have a silly theory that he might be the anti-christ, but of course I don’t believe in that nonsense any more than I believe in the real one. It always gets a laugh though, except from committed Christians (and shouldn’t they all be?), who give me knowing glances and a couple of leaflets from their church.

Whenever I listen to Obama speak, I actually like what I hear. I realise that’s a politician’s job, but he does do it well. When he says he would talk directly with his enemies, I applaud him, when he says he’ll pull all the troops out of Iraq as quickly and safely as possible, I commend him and when he says he’ll allow the use of medical marijuana, I’d kiss him.

But would I vote for him? If he ends up being the democratic candidate, of course I would, but it doesn’t matter, because I am not a voter. Anything is better than another four years of McBush.

But back to the “kill Obama” sideshow…I found this clip from Fox News especially disturbing. Actually it really fucked me off. See what you think…

I have to say, I was more than a bit miffed at being excluded from the Observer Newspaper’s top 50 list of most powerful blogs. I guess this is just another mainstream media plot to keep my message from reaching a wider audience, but I will not be silenced!

And there’s always next year! Make sure you write your MP or congressperson and point out this horrible injustice.

Ah-hem.

The real reason I’m here is because the pope clearly must read my blog and he doesn’t like it and he doesn’t like me. Well, matey, the feeling is very mutual.

A while back, I confirmed the existence of my band, “the seven deadly sins” when I announced the upcoming release of my album. It seems the pope didn’t like this move and he’s trying to stifle my creativity by updating the 7 deadly sins for our modern age. I guess god has finally made an appearance in the 21st century and about time!

The new top seven sins according to the pope are as follows:

1) Environmental pollution
2) Genetic manipulation
3) Accumulating excessive wealth
4) Inflicting poverty
5) Drug trafficking and consumption
6) Morally debatable experiments
7) Violation of fundamental rights of human nature

Ok, there’s one on that list that wouldn’t be there, if it weren’t for his hatred of me and that’s number 5…drug consumption. The pope’s getting his revenge on me with that one, but it’s not the only one…

Genetic manipulation! My published work in recombinant DNA research is well known and I only missed out on a Nobel science prize because of some ill conceived public comments I made while drunk on power, fame and 151 proof Bacardi!

And yes, I’ve violated the rights of human nature, for according to the catholic church, that’s an easy one as its their definition of sodomy. Oh and before you think I am some sort of ass bandit, sodomy at its most basic definition includes oral-genital sexual contact. Guilty!

The pope is out to get me! He knows my liberal ideas and secular-humanist values threaten his existence as a silly old white man in a white dress!

But never mind him! What about my band?

The drummer, wrath, doesn’t want to change his stage name to “genetic manipulation” and sloth, who never makes it to rehearsals, would have to start showing up…

I’m sure glad I’m an atheist and I don’t believe in any of this nonsense. I mean, come on, eternal damnation? Give me a fucking break!

Sin is far too much fun, anyway. I don’t see anyone stopping, do you?

No, I’m not going to tell you 935 lies. That would be silly and quite frankly, I don’t have the time.

I could, if I so chose, create precisely 935 carefully crafted and exceedingly believable boldfaced lies, but I have no reason to do that. I never have reason to lie to you at all, ever.

I don’t lie.

And I especially don’t lie when I log in and blog onto my own goddamn website.

People who lie, do it for a reason.

Whether it is to obscure the truth to cover some misdeed or intention or accomplish some secret goal or further a private agenda, lies are motivated by something.

Sometimes, even governments lie.

OK, governments lie a lot, but it’s not everyday they get caught.

And it’s not everyday they get caught in 935 of them.

There’s that number again: 935.

I didn’t just pull 935 out of my ass, that would be stupid and potentially painful.

Personally, I’d be worried by anyone who pulls anything out of their ass, but that’s just me. On some subjects I am surprisingly conservative.

But on the subject of intentional fabrication by governments to achieve a heinous and immoral goal, I am one pissed-off, bad-assed motherfucka with an attitude and an Uzi.

OK, I don’t have an Uzi. I’d like an Uzi, but my local Uzi shop closed down ages ago and I missed their going out of business sale.

You’d want an Uzi too if you lived in my north London ghetto hell. There’s a shooting or a knifing around here often enough that I’ve lost track of the number of yellow police signs soliciting witnesses to the latest teenaged atrocity.

Yes, I know these teenagers mainly shoot each other, but there’s been a worrying trend in middled-aged white guys getting kicked to death and I don’t want to be one of them.

Hey, I know the security services keep an eye on blogs. Hi guys! I’m on your side and if you’d supply with me a small armoury of weapons, I’d be your bitch. Oh and the promise of a spot in the witness protection programme after I take out some crack house or Al Qaeda cell single handledly!

It could happen!

But seriously, you guys could recruit me. I’d be a great agent and I’d settle for cash. I was only joking about the guns. Well, maybe just a Glock for my trouble, please?

Ah-hem.

935 fucking lies! Get to the point.

Here’s the top of the AP report I’ve been referring to since I started:

“A study by two non-profit journalism organisations found that President Bush and top administration officials issued hundreds of false statements about the national security threat from Iraq in the two years following the 2001 terrorist attacks.

The study concluded that the statements “were part of an orchestrated campaign that effectively galvanised public opinion and, in the process, led the nation to war under decidedly false pretences.”

The study was posted Tuesday on the Web site of the Center for Public Integrity, which worked with the Fund for Independence in Journalism.

The study counted 935 false statements in the two-year period.”

Click right here for the source article in full, please.

As someone who never believed a word of what they tried to sell us over Iraq, I don’t find this surprising. What grabbed me is they were able to document it with this degree of accuracy.

Let’s face it, 935 individual instances of 100% lies being peddled as fact to justify a war that was completely unnecessary is astonishing! It should make our collective jaws hit the collective floor.

It should be front page news. It should have led news bulletins around the world.

But did it?

This story hit the wires nearly a week ago. Sorry, my bad for not getting around to do something with it until now, but at least I’ve marked it. I’ve brought it to your attention.

Did anyone else? I know a few newspapers mentioned it, because I read the stories, but I don’t think I saw it on TV.

This is important shit!

George W (for “won’t you be glad when he’s gone gone GONE!”) Bush and cronies all lied. The Bush regime lies. They are documented, undeniable purveyors of utter falsehoods and fiction. They conned us and conned us but good!

I bet Halliburton and Blackwater and the other war profiteers are giggling like schoolgirls all the way to the proverbial bank.

And how much has this abortion of a war cost us decent, tax-paying members of modern society?

And how many hundreds of thousand Iraqi lives were lost? And how many Iraqis displaced and maimed?

And how many soldiers from the coalition of the willing lost their lives or lost their limbs or lost just a tiny, little piece of their souls fighting for liars and cheats and well, just plain motherfucking cunts?

I’m enraged, I’m incensed. And you should be too! This war was fought in our name, to make us safe.

Do you feel safer knowing that an entire generation of people in the Middle East hate you? Not for your freedom (because you hardly have any, anyway!), but because of what your leaders do to them, in your name.

If you were Iraqi and your entire life was fucked hard, fast and without so much as drink bought for you, how would you feel about the people who fucked you? Would you hate them? Would you want to kill them? Would you be willing to give your life to do it?

You’ve lost your job, your home, your savings, your possessions and several close members of your family, like your spouse, or parents, or children. Or maybe all of them. You’re living in some shitty refugee camp in Jordan or Syria, where you’re not wanted by your hosts. You’re life is shit and if someone offered you the option of going to the West and killing the infidel, you very well might think that was the preferable option.

I’m certainly not advocating a career as a suicide bomber, no sensible person would, but I’m empathetic enough to see and feel how someone in that position could reach that rather unhappy conclusion.

Geoge Bush Junior did that. He handed the world enough ammo to hate the West for at least a couple more generations. Thanks, George. Well done! Bet the private sector can’t wait to get their hands on you!

Less than a year! Yippppeee to that, because anybody’s got to be better than Bush the lesser.

And whoever is next to inhabit that big ol’ white house is going to have their work cut out for them, as the bar has been set really high. They’re going to really have to push it if they want to top 935 lies. Let’s just hope their lies are all about the economy or the environment this time, because I am fucking sick of pointless wars that accomplished absolutely nothing!

It’s always interesting to see what words people stick into Google and other search engines, which lead them to my humble, little website.

I receive a wide variety of statistics via my website hosts, but I always like checking out the search-terms section. It’s always good for a laugh.

This is the current list, for the month of July, to date, counting up from number ten:

10) “north london hippie” – my name, spelled wrong, with spaces. I’m glad it still leads to my site and I’m glad people search for me, even with the mistakes!

9) “billi bhatti” – him off Big Brother, evicted a couple of weeks ago. As you will see, BB names are popular on this list.

8) “purple ohms experiences” – a couple of years ago, I had a bad time on these pills. I took too many, I had an unpleasant experience. They’re legal highs and I think they are still available, now in non-BZP form.

7) “northlondonhippy” – now that’s more like it, spelled correctly, without spaces. I feature twice in my own top ten, which means my brand awareness is high and getting higher. Just like me, I’m getting higher too, right now…!

6) “RooR Pocket Friend” – a fine pipe from my friends at RooR. I’ve written about mine a few times. Usually, there are several RooR-related search terms in the top ten, but when I write about Big Brother, that tends to overtake it. Go figure!

5) “charley uchea tits” – Thus begins the breast obsession at the top of the list, nearly all BB related.

4) “victoria beckham topless” – see, more tits. As if I would post pictures of that beanpole with fake boobs!

3) “chanelle hayes masturbation” - BB related, but not so breast-centric. Does anyone know if these pictures do exist? I wouldn’t post them, but I might like to see them myself, purely for research purposes.

2) “shabnam paryani topless” – I don’t really get this one, especially as it is so high up on the list. Do people really want to see her topless? I don’t even want to see her clothed! She’s scary!! People have very weird tastes and interests, but this is the internet, so I shouldn’t be surprised.

1) “expanding theory” – A while ago, I wrote up a silly little theory about what I thought the effect of the universe constantly expanding would have on us. I was very high at the time and it was total bollocks.

Google doesn’t seem to think so, for if you put “expanding theory” into the world’s largest and smartest search engine, this is what you get as your top hit: CLICK HERE

Go on, check it out. My site is the top hit! Read it!

Do you really think I am an expert on the subject? Should I win a Nobel Prize for innovation in science?

I should very much think not!

I don’t know if you found that interesting, but as always, I am interested in what you have to say. I’d like to take an informal survey:

Please email me with how you found my site. Did you stumble upon me via a search engine? Do you remember what you were searching for? Maybe you saw a link to my site? Where?

However you found me, I’d like to know. Please email me at thehippy@northlondonhippy.com - I won’t spam you or give/sell your address to anyone. I don’t even keep a mailing list. I’m just nosy.

There’s not actually that much in this world that pisses me off, I mean REALLY pisses me off, but I am about to share something with you that made me angry and tearful at the same time.

Please take a few moments to read THIS ARTICLE in today’s Guardian newspaper. Don’t worry, it’s short.

I have so much sympathy for Angel Raich and the problems she’s facing and I have absolute disgust and hatred for the people who are denying her the only treatment that her doctor has prescribed.

This poor woman has a myriad of health problems, ranging from scoliosis right up to a brain tumour. Modern medicine can offer her nothing in the way of hope or even pain relief, but cannabis can. Of this I have no doubts at all.

Thanks to a stupid law, enacted years ago to protect the paper industry and the pharmaceutical industry, a court is trying to prevent her from having the only thing that can do her any good.

Fucking cunts! Fucking cunts run the world!

On behalf of everyone on the planet, Ms. Raich I would like to apologise. I am very sorry for your pain and even more sorry that we live in a society that would prefer to see you suffer and die rather than let you consume a plant which is widely grown, that would offer you a tiny bit of relief.

Free the weed!

Could someone tell me when we all collectively abandoned common sense? Emails to the usual address, please.

Greetings and Happy New Year to all of my beloved hippyfans! May this year be better than the last one!

Yes, 2006 sucked the big one, but now it’s relegated to history, which is exactly where that shitty year belongs.

You don’t need me to tell you how crappy 2006 was; every other form of media has done the entire ‘year in review’ thing to death. I won’t go there.

For me, 2006 had a couple of minor highlights, but overall it wasn’t anything special. Mostly, it was just another year.

It was another year full of death, destruction and despair. The weather turned angry, the death toll in Iraq continued to climb and our personal liberties continue to be methodically stripped away. I’m sure none of that will happen in 2007!

2006 ended with three famous people kicking the bucket. Celebrity deaths tend to come in threes anyway, which is a real nightmare for the PR people that coordinate these things, but somehow they manage.

Gerald R. Ford, former president and VP, not elected to either office, granter of a pardon for Richard M. Nixon (who despite his own protestations to the contrary, was a crook), popped his clogs at the age of 93. The papers keep calling him “the accident president”, but let’s face it, he’s a footnote to a footnote and he’ll get his big state funeral and that will be that. His wife, Betty is more significant, with her Betty Ford Centre and good work highlighting the problems of substance abuse. I thought she was dead too, but I saw her on TV the other day. Sorry, Betty.

The next death was the godfather of soul, Mr. James Brown. Brown was about as influential as you can be in music. If you have ever heard a hip-hop or rap record made in the last 20 years, then chances are you, you’ve heard samples from James Brown’s music in the backing tracks. Try Googling “Funky Drummer”, the most sampled drum beat in the history of sampling comes from this track.

I was working the night before Brown died and I caught a news wire that said he had been admitted to hospital with pneumonia, but was expected to be released in time to perform the following Saturday. That was enough for me not to think he was going to die. By the time I got home, it was breaking news that he was dead. Ooooops, I guess I shouldn’t believe everything I read.

Except of course on the northlondonhippy website!

James Brown was a one of kind, wild man and damn he liked to party! He was a true original and will be missed very much.

The third celebrity death is the one I find the most troubling and I’m not really sure why. Something was decidedly unsettling about the execution of former Iraqi president Saddam Hussein and I’m sure I’m not the only one to feel this way.

I’m not going to debate whether or not he deserved to be executed. He was an evil dictator, responsible for the deaths of thousands of people on Iraqi soil. He was a criminal and a thug.

I’m more interested in how it was done, in such a pitiful and pathetic manner. I’m more interested in the speed in which the death sentence was carried out, as if it needed to be done as soon as possible.

Now that we’ve all seen both videos, the official execution film shot by the Iraqi government and the camera-phone video, shot by a witness, we know exactly just how half-assed the entire thing was and how it lacked in dignity.

You can argue that Saddam didn’t show any mercy or dignity to any of his victims. I’d agree with that. But we’re supposed to be better than that. We’re supposed to rise above the behaviour of our enemies.

We’re supposed to do a lot of things.

Saddam Hussein was an evil man, a dictator, and a morally reprehensible piece of shit that got his just rewards. Saddam Hussein was also a human being, a father, a son, a former president and leader of a sovereign country, who at a minimum deserved to be treated some minor level of respect and dignity.

A society can be judged how it treats it enemies and in this execution, we weren’t any better than the man we put to death. He may have deserved to die, but he didn’t deserve to be taunted and ridiculed in the last moments of his life. No one does.

Let’s look at it another way: If you feel that a president deserves to be put to death for being responsible for the illegal, unsanctioned killings of thousands of people on Iraqi soil, then Saddam shouldn’t be the only one swinging by the neck, should he?

I’m not joking. Isn’t it time George W. (for warmonger) Bush should be sent to The Hague and be put on trial for crimes against humanity? He won’t face the death penalty there, which is far more mercy than he showed his sworn enemy, who tried to kill his daddy.

No, I don’t want to bring Saddam back; the world is better off without him. But then, that would be true if he remained in prison until his natural death as well. Killing Saddam was blood lust and victor’s privilege. It righted no wrongs.

Two wrongs only make another wrong.

Will 2007 be any better? As a constantly disappointed optimist, I can hope.

Dig it, fuckers!

The hippy’s here to let you all in on a little secret about my favourite digital television platform, the satellite system, SKY television.

In the interest of full disclosure, I’ve been a SKY subscriber for years and I’ve had a SKY+ box (a hard drive-based PVR) for over 3 years. I adore SKY+ and it’s a fantastic piece of kit that I would recommend to anyone who enjoys watching TV.

SKY is part of NewsCorp, which is owned by the “billionaire tyrant”, Rupert Murdoch. He’s a media baron; he owns lots of stuff, from The Sun newspaper here in the UK, to Fox News in the states and a whole lot in-between.

SKY provide some channels of their own as well as the platform for other companies to run channels via their satellite system, so they don’t produce all of the content that streams into my home. I want to make that clear; anyone with enough dosh can rent a spot in the electronic programme guide (EPG) on SKY and broadcast a channel, though I would expect SKY ultimately have the right to decline for whatever reason they see fit.

If you have SKY, you may have discovered that there are lots of adult channels on the EPG, numbered from channel 900 upwards. Many of these channels are subscription based or pay-per-view, but a growing number of them are broadcast “in the clear”, with no encryption or subscription required.

What I’m talking about are a specific type of adult-oriented channel, I’ve dubbed “babe channels.”

“Babe channels” are quite a simple concept; so simple in fact that I wish I’d come up with it myself. They started a few years ago, late at night, for a few hours on channels which showed other programming during the day, but since then they have exploded in popularity.

Here’s the basic premise; a scantily clad woman (or women as you will discover), writhes around on-screen, with a telephone in her hand. You’re invited to ring an expensive premium rate number for a chance to speak to this scantily clad young lady and masturbate furiously while watching and chatting.

I’m speculating about the masturbation; but I think it’s a pretty damn good guess; everything else is as you see it on TV.

What they don’t tell you is that for your £1.50 a minute, you most likely won’t get to speak to the babe on-screen, but one of the hundreds of off-screen telephonists, ready to listen to your sick, twisted desires.

As the popularity (and profitability) of these channels grew, so did their numbers and soon there were many of them dotted around the SKY EPG. When SKY re-organised the EPG and put all the naughty channels in the 900s, many of these stations re-branded themselves as full time “babe channels”. There’s “Babecast” and “BabeWorld”; “Babestation” and a host of others.

As you might expect, competition for your £1.50 a minute has become intense and in the face of that, these channels have had to adapt. By adapt, of course I mean become more explicit and after 11pm, the fun really starts!

You don’t get just one woman on-screen, but groups of them now and instead of scantily clad, you get topless or fully nude. And sometimes you don’t just get fully nude, but shaven too.

The women snog each other as well as simulating acts of a sexual nature; there’s nipple sucking, crotch licking and dildos are popular props as well, especially as substitutes for lollypops. To illustrate; “BabeWorld” becomes “BabeWorld Extreme” after 11pm; in name and action!

As you can tell, I’ve done a bit of research into the subject, though I haven’t gone as far as ring any of the channels. This hippy doesn’t have a research budget for anything other than drugs! Sex should be free!

These channels are so lucrative that several of them broadcast all day and one of them has even started broadcasting 24-hours a day! Ka-fucking-ching!

The daytime versions are relatively tame, with lots of flashes of cleavage, stockings and knickers and are actually quite amusing. One channel called “Turn On TV” alternatives between 2 themes, each one for a week.

This week, it’s “Call the Office”, which consists of 8 hours of continuous live coverage of two women sitting in front of office desks. They dress like sexy secretaries; short skirts, low-cut blouses, while giving the camera coy, come-hither looks, imploring viewers to ring them.

There’s actually a certain air of desperation on these channels during the day, as the phone calls don’t come in as frequently and the women occasionally beg for callers.

The other theme is slightly more fetishist, as the set is dressed like a doctor’s surgery and the two women dress as sexy nurses. This one is called the “Naughty Nurse”. Imaginative, eh?

I’m not trying to come over all moralistic about this, as I’ve said, I wish I thought of it. Lots of people are getting very rich off the back of these channels and I wish I were one of them.

And I’m not having a moan about kids being able to see these channels, because if you have children and you have SKY, you’ve probably figured out how to lock these channels out of your EPG and pin protect them. If you haven’t, then you’re probably just a crap parent.

No, I’m writing about this because I find it interesting, fascinating really.

The further we all travel into the future, the more isolating technology becomes.

It used to be that if you wanted to chat to a pretty girl in her underwear, you had to go to a bar or club, chat her up, convince her to come back to your place, and then sweet talk her into shedding her clothing. Today, all you need is a telephone, a television and £1.50 a minute.

How lonely do you have to be to ring one of these channels just to have some contact, however distant with the women on screen or one of her off-screen helpers?

How desperate for sexual release do you need to become before you’re reaching for the phone and dialling that premium rate number, one handed?

I don’t honestly know, as it’s one gutter I’ve never visited. But as an observer of the human condition, it’s a question I’m posing.

What I can tell you is there must be loads of people (men and women) who must need these channels, or they wouldn’t have grown into such a big business, so fast.

What does it say about us?

What does it say about our society that these “babe channels” are flourishing?

Simple, that our lives are meaningless and empty.

You have a nice day, now!

Alas poor Nikki, I knew her well.

I’ve made no secret that Nikki Grahame was one of my favourites from this series of Big Brother. While I am sorry to see her out of the house this week, her eviction was a necessary evil. It was simply her time.

The alternative would have been to see Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace depart and this week, she didn’t deserve that fate.

Aisleyne has had a really rough ride in both houses and we’ve seen real emotion from her recently. Also, I think there is a deeper attraction between Aisleyne and Pete Bennett than Pete and any other woman in there. Let’s let it develop.

But the main reason Nikki had to go this week was this: to give that vile rule-breaking slob, Jayne Kitt a massive slap in the face.

Aside from the fact Jayne is responsible for darlin’ Nikki’s eviction, Jayne’s sins and transgressions in the house have been vast.

Nikki wouldn’t have been nominated this week if it was the normal nomination process, so I see it as 100% Jayne’s fault.

Jayne is obnoxious, annoying and completely unpleasant, as well as being a very unconvincing liar.

You might have gathered that I really don’t like her.

You’re right, I really don’t. And that’s just how Endemol wants it.

I’m sure her spilling the beans regarding the outside world is pissing them off behind the scenes, it remains unlikely they are going to make her walk out the back door.

Oh no, they are going to grit their collective teeth until next Friday, when they can evict her properly, regardless of how much she reveals.

Why?

Simple.

Think of the revenue they will make from the telephone and text voting!

Jayne is becoming such a figure of hatred that I will cautiously predict she will have the most votes cast against her than any other BB housemate in the history of the series.

And you know something; I don’t blame Endemol at all for doing it. Someone should benefit somehow from her brief stay in the house!

How am I so sure that Jayne will be up for eviction next week?

How can you doubt it? She’s already cost the house their luxury shopping budget, their access to hot water and now sweet, crazy little Nikki!

Certainly the majority of the remaining housemates will nominate her. Wouldn’t you if you couldn’t smoke a cigarette, drink some wine or eat anything other than rice, pasta and lentils?

I sure as hell would!

And I might even pull my dialling finger out of the mothballs and cast a few votes for her myself, not that I’ll need to because I can’t imagine whoever she came up against being despised more!

The only possible rival for eviction being Glen “Spiral” Coroner, because he’s just so creepy and inspires so much discomfort. There are unconfirmed rumours that more has gone on with him in the house than we have been allowed to see in the highlights. I’ll say no more.

Instead I’ll say this:

Get Jayne out!

And bring back my little Nikki!

To me, Nikki is a star; a real discovery.

She’s provided more comedy moments than anyone this year. She’s a pocket-sized dynamo of emotion and angst, adorably cute and worryingly volatile at the same time.

A strong character like Nikki was bound to have fans and detractors, but no one can argue that she ‘s been a central figure in the house.

Whether you love her or hate her, I’m sure you watched her antics with slack jawed wonder; my own mandible hit the carpet on more than one occasion!

We haven’t seen the last of Nikki, oh no. Watch out Jade and Chantelle! There’s a new blonde reality star on the rise!

I’d give Nikki a series in a second and the pitch would be piss-easy.

How about a British version of “The Simple Life”? Could you imagine Nikki being told she had to milk a cow or slaughter a baby lamb! Just wind her up and let the hilarity ensue.

Or how about “Nikki on the Couch”?

It would be a thirty-minute sitcom consisting of Nikki visiting her psychiatrist to talk about her week. It would be great, maybe we could get Ricky Gervais to play the doctor. You can picture him mugging for the cameras as Nikki goes into one, can’t you? And we could have a different receptionist every week, like a running gag. Lea Walker could do the pilot.

And you all must be wondering why I don’t have my own television channel? I’m a media genius!

And now for the threatened random observations and other assorted bits and bobs that I’ve been meaning to mention.

I’ll start with one big let-down for this hippy last Friday night during the live eviction. I was waiting all week for Davina to read out all of the names of the housemates prior to announcing who goes. It’s usually a very exciting moment.

This time, it was a limp, damp, disappointing squib.

Instead of doing it properly and allowing the crowd reactions to cause massive ructions in the house, they copped out and simply said, “All housemates except Jayne, you are up for eviction.” It was the coward’s way out!

Here’s another one, have you noticed that the only people in the house who have consistently used the “c-word” have all been women?

How do I know it’s the “c-word”?

Simple, near as I can tell, it’s the only naughty word that they won’t broadcast after the watershed.

I found it fantastically amusing that this particular word has slipped out twice; both times during the live Friday night evictions and on both occasions, from the same bizarrely buxom housemate.

Ok, I’m talking about Lea and the word in question is “cunt”.

Is it a word you haven’t come across before?

Did it burn your eyes just reading it? Does it harm your ears when you hear it?

Does it undermine your morality and lessen your spirit every time it passes over someone’s lips?

I didn’t think so.

It is just word. We give it the power to offend.

And guess what? We can take that power away as well.

For starters, stop bleeping it. We all know what it is anyway. The context gives it away.

It’s an old word; it’s been in common usage for years. There even used to be a street in London whose name included that word.

If that word does offend you, then what the hell are you doing reading my blog? And I wouldn’t watch the tv series “Deadwood” either.

You could always phone Channel 4 or write to them. They won’t pay attention to your specific complaint, but you will get a personalised reply.

If your letter or phonecall is particularly amusing or crazy, it will be forwarded around their Horseferry Road HQ like mad for sheer entertainment value.

If it is a real humdinger, it might end up in the Holy Moly mailout!

Broadcasters aren’t so much interested in particular complaints, as much as they are interested in trends. I’d guess that they had very few complaints over the accidental “c-word” slip-ups, barely enough for them to really register.

Raise your hand if you’ve seen the Imogen Thomas sex video?

Just me, then.

Well, come on, I had to screen it, in the interests of being better informed so that I may write my BB column from an educated perspective.

Ah-hem.

If you do want to see it, you can find it if you look hard enough. No link from me this time.

If you haven’t seen it, don’t bother; it’s not worthy of your valuable viewing time. Aside from the fact that the script was weak, the story a bit thin and the production values quite low, it was really dull.

Imogen? Dull? Why I never…

If you do get to see it, like me you will probably spend most of your viewing time trying to work out if it is really Imogen.

The quality of the picture is rubbish mobile phone video and it must be a year or three old, because Imogen looks a bit younger.

It really wasn’t until I heard her speak and only then did I start thinking it might be Imogen.

The video is explicit, featuring close-ups and everything. The sex is fairly vanilla, though somewhat energetic. Watching it made me feel a bit dirty and not in a good way.

A word of warning to all of you out there: Anything you film these days, especially if it’s digital, is going to find it’s way onto the internet. You only need to visit YouTube and have a random poke around to see what I mean.

If you don’t want this hippy, along with millions of other people around the world watching you do something you don’t want us to see, just don’t film it.

“Oh baby, it will just be for me, I’ll erase it later” is a lie on a par with “the cheque is in the post” and “I won’t cum in your mouth”.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Correct me if I’m wrong, but when they showed Davina dragging Nikki out of the house on the Saturday night highlights, it was the first time ever Davina made an appearance in the highlights show.

You may have noticed that the highlights programmes limit our perspective to what can only be seen from within the house.

Think about when they replay the eviction on the Saturday night highlights show, you only see the departing housemate from inside the house.

What you never get is the reverse angle of the evicted HM walking out the door and into the crowd.

Since you could see Davina from the perspective of the house, it was only natural for us to catch a glimpse of her at the top of the stairs.

Well, I thought it was cool.

And you ‘re thinking, “Hippy… You anorak!”

Nikki’s eviction was, in the words of my younger brother, “distressing to watch”, especially when she wouldn’t walk out the door of the house. The combination of unbridled angst and overwhelmingly fear that was apparent from the look on her face made me feel sad.

Watching Nikki’s eviction interview was like riding on a roller coaster of her emotions. She was up and down more than the lifts in Canary Wharf on a weekday! I thought Davina handled it with sensitivity and I think she had genuine affection for Nikki.

I did too, I really liked Nikki.

Nikki, if you happen to stumble upon my blog when you Google yourself, as you invariably will (don’t worry, everyone Google’s themselves, you won’t go blind), know that you had one crazy middle-aged hippy in north London, who spent two entire months being completely entertained by you.

And if you’re interested in pursuing any of my ideas for those tv series further, have your people call my people and we can do lunch! I’ll have to get some people first, but it’s on my list of things to do this week.

Remember, I came here today not to bury Nikki, but to praise her!

I trust you are all wearing your fingers down to a stub, hitting redial repeatedly as you vote to get Grace Adams-Short out.

As BB villains go, she is certainly doing all she can to engender the hatred of the Great British Public. Her bullying and backstabbing is a wonder to behold. But the best part of it by far is her complete lack of awareness as to why she is so disliked.

I touched on this in my previous BB entry, how the chanting of “Get Grace out” last Friday will be seen as one of the defining moments of BB7.

I’ve actually been thinking about how that all came about and I’m fairly certain it was an intentional decision the part of the producers to allow the house to hear the chanting.

How so?

Simple, remember what was actually going on during this sequence.

Davina handed over to Big Brother and we cut to the garden. Aside from the microphone feeds from the housemates, the only other live mic at that point would have been BB’s. And we all know that BB broadcasts from a sound-proofed booth

In other words, the only microphone outside with the crowd was Davina’s and that would have been switched off.

This means that BB opened yet another microphone outside with the crowd and then mixed it into the house ON PURPOSE. From a production point of view, it had to be a deliberate, intentional move on their part.

Talk about Twisted Big Brother!

By this one simple flick of a switch, they were able to increase the tension this week as well as providing them with a juicier story to follow in the lead up to Friday.

I’m loving their work!

Some may criticise the harshness of these tactics, but not me. Since Evil BB5, I think it is Endemol’s duty to keep the housemates as off-balance as possible. Now that the twists are kicking in, it’s going to be fun viewing!

What really gets me about Grace, what really winds me up to no end, is that she doesn’t have a clue why she is despised.

Oh it must be the editing!

No, it’s her relationship with Mikey “the dolt” Dalton.

It’s because she’s so beautiful!

Buzzzzzz! All wrong! Especially that last one!

And when she discovered that Susie nominated her, her reaction didn’t exhibit any of what her name suggests; instead she was positively “graceless”.

Much like the house will be after 10pm tonight!

Her tirade against Susie, which she dragged Darling Nikki (a wicked old Prince track as well!) into was just so unspeakably loathsome that when I watched it on the highlight programme I nearly gouged my own eyes out in disgust!

And it only got worse, as Grace performed two very sad “dances of desperation”; one performed vertically with the other housemates and a second performed horizontally under the covers with Mikey. Both were equally sad and tragic to watch.

It’s too late Grace; there will be no redemption for you while you are inside the house!

The tabloids are all reporting that Grace is even more unpopular than Sezer Yurtseven. That’s an accomplishment, as he was fairly hated by one and all.

The odds on Grace’s eviction have gotten even worse than Sezer’s, according to the bookies.

One enterprising bookmaker is even offer 100/1 odds that Grace will receive 100% of the public vote! I know that’s not possible, as some people will vote for Nikki, though it would be foolish to throw your money away wasting your eviction call on the future footballer’s wife!

It won’t be foolish to vote for Grace. I worry that people will all think that the public hate her so much, that they don’t have to vote. Silly!

If everyone thinks that way, then no one will vote and we could be stuck with her for another week. We can’t allow that to happen!

So I’m counting on all of you out there in internetland, well the British part of internetland, to vote often and vote for Grace. I’ll be casting a few votes of my own before tonight, so as always I’m not asking you to do anything that I’m not willing to do myself

Voting Grace out tonight will actually be the best thing we as viewers can do for her. I’m serious. She needs a short, sharp shock to help her learn a valuable life lesson.

Grace’s real crime is no crime at all; she is merely a casualty of her age and more specifically her own immaturity. She is remarkably immature; she is much younger than her years. And she doesn’t realise that either!

Tonight, with our help, Grace will be growing up, very fast. And isn’t that the best thing for everyone?

PS.

I know I threatened with this last week, but this time I have it. You can watch highlights of Lea Walker’s porn video RIGHT HERE.