As much as I like to pretend I am perfection personified, the truth is I am a deeply flawed individual.

My life is literally littered with bad decisions and unfortunate choices, the results of which continue to dog my days on a daily basis.

It’s fine to reflect upon ones mistakes, as long as one is not mistaken into thinking that something can be done to rectify them. The choices you make can’t usually be undone and the consequences will be with you until the day you die and may even continue to effect others after you’re gone.

I’ve got no particular decisions in mind, this has more to do with a general overview than anything specific.

I don’t want you to think every choice I’ve made in my life has been wrong, I’ve made some good choices too, but lately I’ve been thinking about some of those moments in my life, where I zigged when perhaps I should have zagged.

It’s easy to second guess your own decisions after the fact, when the fullness of time and experience yield the missing pieces of the puzzle that weren’t available at the time of taking the decision. It’s also an exercise in futility.

Much of life is futile and pointless, so its not really enough of a reason not to think about these things.

There’s a theory that states every time a decision is made, the universe is split and alternative realities follow both paths and that all of existence consists of a “multi-verse” of infinite existence. Everything that can happen, does happen, just not in your reality.

Somewhere in the multi-verse, there’s a version of me that successful, happy and fully fulfilled. No doubt taller, too.

How’d I get stuck in this reality? If there really is a multi-verse, then in at least one of them (and possibly many more), I’m king of the planet and in charge of you all. Don’t worry, if there are infinite possibilities, then you get to be king or queen of the world yourself, and I get to be your slave.

Not all of the realities in the multi-verse would be sunny, as I expect there are plenty that don’t turn out as well. Think about it, how many realities exist without me? Perhaps in some, I was still born and never even got to take my first breath.

I know that even when my decisions have been wrong, they’ve been right for me at the time. I have to believe that, because I can’t travel back in time and change them. At least not yet, anyway, but give me another six months and my time machine will be up and running and I’ll be charging loads of dosh for rides to the past and future. Think you can afford it?

My many personality flaws, at least as I see them, colour my every move. I’m certainly my own worst enemy and I’m more responsible for holding myself back than anyone else.

I used to genuinely believe that anything is possible, but as I get older, I’m less convinced. As you get older, the corridor of options narrows and while you may still create the illusion of choice, your choices become more and more limited with each passing day.

I can’t remember where I heard this one, but it made a lot of sense: “You spend the first half of your life acquiring things and the second half having them all taken away from you.”

I’m undeniably in the 2nd half of my life. It’s not too much of a stretch to see where things are going for me. Its all downhill from here.

Can you tell that my birthday is approaching? It’s about 2 months away. Hey ho.

If I had the chance to do it all again, would I do things differently? Of course I would, what honest person wouldn’t?

That doesn’t mean I would do everything differently, but there are a few wrongs I would certainly put right.

It doesn’t matter because no one gets a second chance, except in the multi-verse reality where reincarnation happens and it was just my luck not to end up in that one either.

Socrates said “the unexamined life is not worth living”. If that is really true, then I have the most worthy life known to man.

Either that or my narcissistic tendencies are starting to overwhelm being an obsessive-compulsive sociopath with manic-depressive tendencies.

You have a nice day, too.

I can’t wait for the networks to call the winner of this election, so I am doing it myself.

It’s 10pm eastern time, 0300gmt here in north London and I hearby declare Barack Hussein Obama the winner of the 2008 presidential election.

Based on everything I’ve absorbed in the last half hour, there’s no way McCain could reach the magic 270 electoral votes.

Remember, you read it here first, fuckers!

the northlondonhippy
0301gmt - 5th November 2008

I don’t think anyone is going to be surprised that I’m hoping (and wishing and praying) that Barack Hussein Obama will be elected as the next President of the United States.

If the New York Times can endorse somebody, why can’t I? Here on the internet, we’re all equal, though I don’t make you register to get to the good content.

If you’re surprised by my endorsement, then you don’t really know me very well. I’m extremely liberal and not ashamed of it.

Being liberal is a good thing, it means you are open to progressive ideas and new ways of looking at things. Being liberal means I’m more interested in the happiness of people, then maintaining the status quo for the sake of it.

Many liberals have become afraid of the word and now call themselves progressives. You say tomato…

If gays can take back ownership of the word “queer”, then why can’t we reclaim the word “liberal”? Like gays, liberals have nothing to fear or be ashamed of and we should all come out of the brainy closet.

I’m liberal because I am smart. Smart people are liberal.

All you need to do is spend 10 minutes watching FoxNews and you will see what I mean. They don’t allow many people with liberal views on-air, they stick to their conservative agenda all the time. The overwhelming amount of stupidity that spews from the mouths of their presenters, guests and pundits will be more than enough to prove my point.

I watch FoxNews strictly for comedy value and if you added some canned laughter, you’d think you were watching a bad sitcom for dimwits.

Being liberal means not fearing change. “Change” can be a good thing and if America needs one good thing right now, it would be change. “Change we can believe in”, if you will.

Obama offers that change. As one of the most liberal members of the US senate, which is demonstrated by his voting record, Obama is offering America the chance to right the myriad of wrongs from the last 8 years.

Yes, I am talking to you George W. (for Whatever happens next week, he’s still history come January) Bush.

Obama has the ideas, intelligence and charisma to be a real game-changer. He can help restore America back to its former glory.

Maybe you’re not old enough to remember way back when, but people actually used to like America and I don’t just mean the shopping and the enormous portions in restaurants.

It’s kind of amazing if you consider how much real damage Georgie Bush junior has done to America’s reputation and standing in the world. Compared to Bush the lesser, even Richard M. Nixon seem like a decent guy.

Think back to 8 years ago, when Big Bill Clinton was running the show. The economy was in great shape, the federal government was debt free and had a huge surplus of cash, America was at war with nearly no one and Americans abroad didn’t have to pretend to be Canadian. These are all good things.

Eight years of the Republicans not only undid all the good that came from Clinton, they thought of loads of bad shit of their own to do, to drag America down even further.

Before you start thinking, “what does some twat in London know about America?”, I should, in the interest of full disclosure let you know that I spent around half of my life living in America, so I am in a position to justifiably comment on all things American. I continue to consume a lot of American media and I am always across everything in the news - it’s an occupational hazard/bonus (delete as appropriate).

I also get loads of American visitors to my site, obviously far more than from any other country, including the UK. On the internet, Americans outnumber everyone!

I like Americans and I actually like America too. At its heart America is good, kind and just country, populated by good, kind and just people. They can’t help it that their elected leaders are masters at manipulating the media by spoonfeeding them crap that the media is too stooopid to question.

In the aftermath of 9/11, your media failed you. Your government wrapped every press release in the stars and stripes and questioned the patriotism of any journalist who dared to question the official version of events. That’s especially true about the “war” in Iraq.

I’ve got some news for you, it was never really a war. It was an illegal invasion of a sovereign nation, justified with bold-faced lies. We were lied to, over and over, for no good reason.

The invasion was brief, the occupation seems endless. The geniuses in charge had no concrete plans on what to do once they arrived in Iraq. It was an unmitigated disaster and continues to be one.

I don’t know how many people died in Iraq, I’ve lost count. And for what?

Nothing at all. No good reason. No reason at all.

But what about the “surge”?

The surge is meaningless, extra troops haven’t calmed things down, cold hard cash is what’s done it. Again, your liars, I mean leaders are not only negotiating with “terrorists”, they are bribing them with large sums of cash not to stage attacks any more.

It’s a bit like giving the school bully your milk money in return for him not beating you up that day. It doesn’t make you tough, it makes you a wimp and a wuss.

Since when does America pay its enemies and groups labelled as terrorists not to attack?

Since a couple of years ago.

Can you imagine them writing a cheque to Osama Bin Laden in return for a promise not to plan another attack on America? To me, it sounds like it would be the next logical step from their unofficial “bribing the enemy policy” in Iraq.

The point is that the Republicans have fucked America over every which way from here to xmas and back again. Every day, in every way, they have done something to screw you all over and you’ve had to just lie there take it like a bitch.

Not any more. This time, you actually have a genuine choice to make between to polar opposites. That doesn’t happen very often, maybe once in a lifetime.

Like 1960, when the choice was between Nixon and JFK and probably not since.

You can choose between four more years of the same bullshit, or you can elect a man who will set America back on its true course.

Here’s another word you shouldn’t fear: Socialism.

In America, you’re taught, or rather indoctrinated into the capitalist system and told that socialism is just another word for communism and that’s just plain wrong.

The state should not exist to suppress and exploit you, it should act in such a way as to benefit all of the people, all of the time.

The state, your government should be there to protect you, and not just from imaginary enemies.

The state should be there to help you, as an individual as well as for the greater good of society. You don’t pay your taxes to be kept in your place, yet that’s what the state does, rather than encouraging you to flourish and realise your potential.

I’ll go with the classic example and its something I can comment on with authority because I’ve lived under both systems, private and nationalised health care.

You have excellent doctors and hospitals in America, some of the best in the world, yet your life expectancy is in decline. There’s a simple reason for that, some people are denied access to your fine doctors and hospitals purely on economic grounds. If you can’t pay the extortionate fees charged, then you have only one choice, to get sicker and die.

That’s wrong.

That is so wrong.

Healthcare should be a basic human right provided equally by the state. You shouldn’t be penalised for not having the dosh to stump up for treatment, if that lack of treatment results in your death or incapacity.

Here in the UK, where I’ve also spent around half of my life, I’ve been a patient of the NHS. The standard of the healthcare I’ve received has been first rate, though I’m not going to deny there have been some waiting times that have been longer than I’ve liked and to be fair that has improved dramatically of late.

I can ring my GP’s surgery, any weekday morning and get an appointment to see my GP that same day. My current GP, who I’ve seen for over a decade is excellent, I never feel rushed, he always takes the time to listen to me and he doesn’t hesitate to prescribe an expensive drug or test, if he thinks it is necessary. The flipside to this is that he is often running behind on his appointments and I usually have to wait to see him. A little bit of my time is a small (and only) price to pay for access to excellent health care.

This is what I don’t get about people who oppose any form of socialism; what’s wrong with helping others? Why should anyone resent anyone else receiving assistance from anyone, whether its a relative or a complete stranger or the government? Isn’t it a good thing to help others?

Isn’t that what Jesus would do?

When someone else is in pain, do you not have sympathy for them? Do you not have the empathy to even feel their pain? Does it not touch you, even slightly?

If you could feed all the hungry children in the world, would you? Regardless of the cost?

If you could cure all the sick people in the world, would you? Regardless of the cost?

I would.

Ninety percent of the wealth in this world is in the hands of 1% of the people.

That’s just fucked. You can’t justify that, no matter how hard you might try. It’s 100% fucked. Pardon my fucking French.

The redistribution of the wealth doesn’t mean the luxury police are going to come to your house and nick your flatscreen telly and give it to some random poor person.

The redistribution of wealth doesn’t mean we’ll have to dress like Chairman Mao, even if you think his uniform was fashionable.

All it means is poor people pay less tax, rich people who can afford it, pay more. That doesn’t sound so bad, does it?

Rich people spend any way, because they are rich and a slightly higher tax burden isn’t going to effect them very much.

Poor people paying less tax, means poor people (remember the 99% of the rest of us) will have more money to spend. Spending money fuels the economy, a fuelled economy can create jobs, new jobs means more people working, with more money in their pockets to spend, which further fuels the economy….

You get the idea.

Someone has to redress this horrible economic imbalance and that’s Barack Obama. He wants to do it, don’t you want him to do it?

As I sit here in my north London lair, exactly one week before election day, Obama is way ahead in the polls, but his victory is not assured. Every registered voter out there in internetland has to vote to insure he wins and wins big. Bill Clinton is right, Obama needs a huge mandate to affect the kind of change he has in mind and he needs to have the Democrats sweep the house and the senate too.

I’m also concerned that the bad guys will steal it from Obama, as they did to Al Gore in 2000 and probably Kerry in 2004 as well, at least in Ohio. Those electronic voting machines sound dodgy and I’ve read unconfirmed reports in the early electronic voting of ballots being “flipped” from Obama to that old guy with the forced smile and ident-i-kit wife.

If they steal it from the Democrats again this time, burn the place to the fucking ground! Let’s hope they don’t, as I don’t want to see any country in flames, but if they fuck around with this election, they deserve it. SWAT teams are allegedly already on standby for possible unrest, so this scenario is possible

Barack Hussein Obama is America’s best hope. Don’t let yourselves down, don’t let the world down. Please vote for him.

And for those of you that still might have reservations over Mr. Obama because of his race, shame on you. Obama is a remarkably intelligent and educated man and his race should not be a factor.

If you’re afraid to vote for him, because his skin colour differs from yours, please look deep into your heart and soul and finally see the truth about race - like most things in this world, it’s meaningless. We’re all the same on the inside, our hearts all beat, our lungs all breath the same air.

But if you really can’t look past his race, perhaps this little campaign jingle I wrote on Obama’s behalf might help.

(sung to the tune of Santogold’s “You’ll Find A Way”)

You know you wanna
You know you wanna
vote for Barack Obama
You know you wanna
You know you wanna
‘cause a white woman was his momma

It’s catchy, ain’t it?

Look, all joking aside, if you are registered to vote in the United States of America, I don’t just urge you to get out and vote, I implore you to vote for Obama.

If I’ve managed to sway just one undecided voter with this post, then I’ll feel like I’ve done my part, but I’d like to sway even more. If you know someone who’s wavering and you think I might be able to have a positive effect on their decision, please feel free to email this to them or send them a link to my site.

It’s not just Obama who’s counting on you, and not just your nation, but the entire world.

Please don’t let us down.

Yo.

I haven’t pointlessly rambled here in a while. It’s just an observation.

I woke up early this morning, silly early, before 6:30am. Blame a blocked nose, a noisy cat and the threat of a couple of deliveries for this early morning appearance. I had an alarm set for 7:30am anyway, so its not a tragedy that I am up so early.

I’ve got a shipment of fresh coffee beans coming from my online roaster…yes, I am still madly into fresh coffee. I had to ease back from it a bit thanks to my thyroid problems, but I am feeling a little better, which means caffeine and I are buddies again.

I couldn’t really handle coffee for a couple of months, which was quite depressing for someone who adores the stuff. For a while, I thought it was down to side effects from my thyroid medication, but my doctor told me it wasn’t, it was the actual disease causing the breathlessness and heart palpitations.

For about the last fortnight, I haven’t had those symptoms because around a week prior to that, my doctor up the dosage on the thyroid meds. I’m still not on a high dose and its likely to be increased again in December, after my next blood test. I just think the new dose is having some sort of therapeutic effect on me.

I’ve also seemed more energetic in the last week or so and I am feeling more myself than I have in a long time. That’s a good thing.

My back has been a lot better too. You might remember that’s how all this health nonsense started, with a crippling back problem. I never do anything that’s straightforward, so naturally my thyroid condition caused inflammation in my back!

I was off from work for about 8 or 9 weeks in the end and my doctor offered (or rather suggested) that I take even more time off but my bank account couldn’t afford it. I went back for a couple of nights a couple of weeks ago and it was a serious struggle, but I had another long planned gap of 2 weeks between shifts and my health improved somewhat during that time.

While I was off, I had the joys of having builders in, refitting my ancient bathroom. I’d been trying to get this done for years, but finding someone reliable and trustworthy was nearly impossible. In the end, I found a plumbing company that was not ridiculously expensive and did the job fairly well, but it meant nearly two weeks of disruption in my home.

The new bathroom is simple and modern, replacing a 30-40 year old bathroom that was neither. I’m just happy to have it finished.

Returning to work this time was far less daunting because I am genuinely starting to feel better. After being part time for October, I’m back to working full time in November. Trust me, its a welcome return and not just for the financial reasons.

I like working and I’ve missed it; I’ve missed my work mates too. That said, I am getting increasingly bored with being asked where I’ve been for the last couple of months and having to explain all of my health woes. I thought about preparing a written press statement, that I could hand out and refer to when repeatedly questioned, but people would think that was weird.

I’m sure some of the people asking genuinely care how I am, but the majority are just asking to be nosy. I also thought about making shit up and giving everyone a different answer on my whereabouts, like:

- I was on a secret mission for the queen
- I was directing my first feature film
- I was on tour with my band
- I was in a drug induced coma
- I was having my shinbones stretched (and it didn’t work!)
- I ran away and joined the circus
- I was on an EU wide thrill-killing spree

And my personal favourite:
- I don’t know where I’ve been, I have amnesia

The only place I ever want to talk about myself is right here on my website. In real life, I’d much rather be ignored and not have to explain myself to others. I’m actually quite a private person, reclusive even, but when people pretend to be interested in your life, you have to pretend you’re happy for their interest. Social niceties have to be respected, even when you know its all bullshit…especially when you know its all bullshit.

But not you, of course. You’re deeply interested in every single aspect of my blessed existence and you hang on my every word. Online, I’m used to the attention and I crave it like a drug.

Ok, not really like a drug and believe me I know the difference.

It’s more like leaving the curtains open, while you change your clothing in front of the window. I’m giving you the choice to peep at me, but its up to you if you choose to cast your glance in my direction and if you do, you might see more than you expected.

My life is an open book here on the internet, available for you to casually thumb through the more interesting chapters, assuming one day I might write some. We can all wait for that day to come, but until then you’ll just have to put up with whatever drivel I post.

Like this pointless entry about my rather pointless life.

I’m sitting here in my north London lair, trying to enjoy a peaceful Sunday early afternoon, while outside a high-speed car chase is taking place, between what I am guessing is a stolen vehicle vs. a very low-flying police helicopter.

It’s like my very own personalised episode ITV’s “The Bill”, only with a higher production budget and better stunt men.

The car, a silver piece of crap, has sped past my front window several times, the driver apparently thinking that going in circles will confuse the chopper pilot and he will lose his tail in the sky.

It don’t work that way, homie!

The helicopter, which must cost a grand or two an hour to keep in the sky, has been flying so low that my house has been shaken and when I looked out my ground floor window and saw it, it was as if I could look in the pilot’s eyes. If my back garden wasn’t postage stamp sized, I would have thought he might have set it down on my patio, to continue the chase on foot.

This is modern life in the urban ghetto, welcome and enjoy your stay. If you can’t enjoy your stay, at least be heavily armed!

It’s worse at night, with the cop choppers, they use powerful spotlights, which when they hit your windows, can be quite startling. Perhaps they’re running surveillance at night, listening in on our phone calls and private conversations inside our homes. The technology exists to do all that, but does the will?

I was driving through my neighbourhood at night, a couple of weeks ago and I saw a large gang of kids being stop’n’searched by the local rozzers. The kiddies by my estimation, ranged in age from 12 to 15 years old and there were over 20 of them, with half a dozen cops doing the searching. Not great odds for the cops, if you figure all those children had weapons and the cops only had little sticks. This was taking place three minutes by foot from my front door. Cool, eh?

It’s gone quiet outside, finally. I don’t hear the chopper any more, though I am sure it will be back. It always comes back. I wonder if the guy in the silver piece of crap got caught.

Probably not.

I realised this morning, I have a real problem with drugs…

No, not that kind of problem, you won’t see me going into rehab, no, no, no!

My problem with drugs is this: my drug of choice, weed, is not legal and I’m unduly made a criminal as a result. That’s a big problem.

Its silly, its unfair, and its unjustified. It’s also the law.

Laws can be changed and when a law is unjust, it should be changed. Criminalising people because they want to indulge in the consumption of a plant is stupid, no matter how you look at it.

Cannabis is comparatively safe, if you’re comparing it to the two legally obtainable drugs, tobacco and alcohol. You can’t overdose on weed and according to the post just below this one, there are only 2 recorded deaths attributed to cannabis in the history of recording!

How is society served by criminalising me? I am a respectable, otherwise law-abiding, tax paying citizen of this fine planet. Send me to prison for a few years and not only do you lose my positive contributions to society and the queen’s purse, but I end up costing you money! You think those orange boiler suits and mystery meat surprise for lunch every day is free? You pay for it! Isn’t it better that I stay on the outside and continue to purchase my own meals and clothing?

The truth is, the likelihood of me ever serving time for simple possession is minimal. I’m careful, I don’t take risks and I pretty much only ever smoke in the privacy and security of my own home. The only place I flaunt my cannabis use is here on the internet, but I do that for a reason. My agenda….

My agenda here has always been simple and hopefully obvious; I wish to remove any remaining stigma attached to smoking cannabis. I am a professional, I work full time (and then some), I take care of myself and the people I love, I’m kind to strangers and animals. Especially animals.

I’ve personally known loads of people who smoke dope, from the casual “I’ll have a couple of puffs on that spliff” types, to people “who can smoke me under the table”, I’ve smoked with them all. I’ve probably directly encountered over one-thousand people in the last nearly three decades of my daily dope smoking who have all enjoyed a bit of weed. None of them were homeless, clinically insane or went on to harder drugs. If anything, most of them mellowed as they got older, which is not something I can say for myself. Ninety-nine percent of them were gainfully employed and if I am honest worked in my profession. The media is full of hypocrites and the same people putting out anti-drug propaganda bullshit in the newspapers, enjoy a toot or a pill or a puff at the weekend.

Whenever I’ve had to deal with drug issues professionally, I’ve tried to be balanced and I’ve aimed to find voices on my side of the argument. Trust me, its more than most would do, for to be seen as sympathetic to drug use could land you in hot water. I’ve never kept my drug use a secret and if asked point blank by a boss, I wouldn’t deny where my interests lie. As I’ve aged, I’ve become more vocal in making sure the propaganda is not unchallenged. It’s about all I can do and I know its not much.

I want to do more.

I want us all to do more.

For the drug laws to change, every single one of us who smokes weed has to come out of the green closet and declare with pride our love of weed. If I do it on my own, if I outted myself here and now, there’s a very good chance I would lose my job or worse.

Attitudes are changing, more so than one might think. Especially if one is in the current, out of step with the electorate, government of this country. Remember, our Prime Minister, old whatshisface, the really unpopular one that EVERYONE hates, said that cannabis is lethal. What fucking planet is he from and can we send him back, please?

Check out this survey which was published today. Really, click here and read it, it won’t take you long.

Did you read it? Don’t lie, this hippy sees all. A bit like Santa Claus, or god, only I’m not fictional.

The “rave generation” has begat another generation of “junior ravers” and both generations think the other generation is on drugs. Cool.

The times, they are a’changin’ and our politicians have to wake up to this, especially on my pet subject. Climate change, financial meltdown, possible flu pandemics, a McCain presidency, the future is looking decidedly bleak. The least those idiots in power could do is let us all soften the blow with a little sweet smoke!

I really need help with my drug problem. I’m willing to help myself, if you’ll help me too, but its a big ask…

I want you all to consider outting yourselves along side me as a life long dope smoker. More than consider, I want you to make a pledge to do it and I want you to email it to me. If I get, oh I don’t know, a million emailed pledges, I will reveal myself to the world.

Ok, a million is probably pushing it.

Probably? I’ve got more chance of sprouting wings, spitting fire and renaming myself the northlondondragon.

What’s a realistic number? If I’m serious about this, and dammit I am, then I need to come up with a number that strikes a balance between being attainable and yet still giving me the confidence of knowing I’ll be backed up by my legions of hippyfans.

How many in a legion?

According to Wikipedia, around 5,200. Of course, Wikipedia says Neil Armstrong was the first man to eat cheese. At least it does now.

Five thousand ain’t nearly enough.

I’ve narrowed it down then, I need somewhere between 5,000 and one-million emails from you guys before I’ll tell the world who I am.

Clearly this plan requires more thought.

It’s not easy having a drug problem, especially when the solution seems so elusive, but with your help, maybe our collective drug problem can be cured.

(Keep reading, the next post is about weed too. I know, two in a row, go me!)

This is turning into the diary of the infirm.

Sorry, I know this used to be the capital of online fun. Maybe I should bring back the virtual blackjack tables? At least the house would always win.

I’m still feeling crap. The medication I’m taking is providing me with a host of side effects, all of them seriously dull and no fun.

I saw my GP again last week, he changed the brand of the meds I’m taking, which has subtracted a lot of the nausea, but not all of it and I still have the other side effects. Like breathlessness, heart palpitations, dizziness, headaches, tiredness, confusion and forgetfulness…need I go on?

My GP ordered more tests, which he says is to rule out some other things, rather than confirm anything he suspects. I think that’s supposed to be comforting.

My back seems to be holding its own. I still have pain, but I can cope with it. I’m still seeing the chiropractor, twice a week down from three visits and its always better after an adjustment. It tends to slide back a bit in between though, which I think is down to the fact that my thyroid levels aren’t right yet. The inflammation is being held at bay, but it’s not disappearing completely because whatever originally caused it, is still causing it.

My thyroid levels won’t be right for a while, as my GP says the dose I am on now, that is giving me all these fun side effects, will most likely needed to be increased after my next blood test. Doubled, actually. I can’t wait.

I haven’t felt like posting much lately, which is annoying because there’s loads I’d like to write about, I just don’t have the attention span to focus very long.

For all the jokes and references I’ve made about being middle aged, I’ve never really felt it in my bones. These days, not only do I feel it, I think I look the part too. It’s all dreadfully tedious and I’m bored of it all already.

I liked it better when I thought I was healthy. Clearly, I wasn’t really healthy, but I thought I was and isn’t that what really matter?

My doctor says that once my medication is sorted out, I’ll feel better than ever. Right now, I find that really hard to believe. When you feel shitty every day, its hard to be even a little bit positive about anything.

The following is a hippy health update:

I haven’t mentioned how I’ve been feeling for a bit, because I’ve pretty much been feeling the same. There’re two pieces of good news, though…I’ve got a definitive diagnosis. I have something called Hashimoto’s Disease.

Hashimoto’s Disease is an auto-immune disorder, probably genetic in origin and it causes my bodies T-cells to attack my Thyroid Gland, resulting in Hypothyroidism, which is an under-active Thyroid and causes all sorts of metabolism problems.

And Dr. Hashimoto is the guy that discovered it and it is the first recognised auto-immune disorder.

This diagnosis ties together all sorts of symptoms I’ve had over the last 6 months to a year that I hadn’t really put together or even thought were symptoms of anything. I just thought I was getting old!

Mainly, it explains the acute inflammation in my back, which continues to cause me pain, though not nearly as bad as it was when it started. I never thought my back problems would be caused by something bigger and scarier!

My other symptoms included loss of energy, appetite and concentration, poor sleep, a lump in my throat and flutters in my chest. I’ve had all of those things to one degree or another and I simply attributed them to middle age and my erratic work and sleep patterns. Silly me. I didn’t put any of this together.

When the back trouble started, I began treatment with a chiropractor, who I credit with helping a lot, but I still couldn’t completely shake the pain. After three weeks I saw my GP, because I thought I might have Shingles - I had a minor rash on my side. It turned out I didn’t have Shingles, but my GP ordered an x-ray (which was negative) and a battery of blood tests, which included a test for Thyroid function.

The test came back and confirmed my diagnosis. My GP also prodded my throat and said he could feel my swollen Thyroid Gland. I had noticed a slight sensation when swallowing for a while, but didn’t think anything of it. It wasn’t painful, or even uncomfortable, it was just different.

I’ve learned a valuable lesson and that’s to listen more closely to what my body is telling me and to do something about it!

Thankfully, Hashimoto’s Disease is very treatable and I will be on a medication called Levathyroxine for the rest of my life. It replaces the Thyroid Hormone my body no longer produces and once they get my dosage to the correct level, my body will go back to normal, whatever normal is…

I’m having side effects from this medication, nausea, sweats, and palpitations mainly, but these should pass soon. I hope.

Left untreated, it could eventually cause heart failure and death, so its a very good thing my doctor caught this. I’m lucky I have a good GP too.

Oh and the other good news is thanks to Hashimoto’s Disease and my cool new daily medication, I now get free NHS prescriptions for life. Now all I need them to do is approve cannabis prescriptions on the NHS and this disease stops being a curse and it becomes a real blessing!

Anyway kids, your Uncle Hippy is on the mend and it won’t be long before I’m back to my old self and trying to touch you all up again!

Greetings and salutations. Hello. Welcome. Yes, I am still alive.

Well, I’m as alive as I can be, following my recent health troubles.

For the last 15 days I’ve been suffering with serious back trouble. I could barely walk for the first week or so, every step was pure agony. Sitting was agony too and laying down was impossible. I was well and truly fucked.

I’ve been seeing a chiropractor and I think he’s helped a lot. I’ve had countless adjustments, starting with a home visit because I couldn’t get to his office. I’m walking well now and have much less pain, I’m hoping to return to work later in the week.

This episode really freaked me out, I was practically crippled. I couldn’t even make it to the loo without assistance from Mrs. H, I couldn’t get dressed, prepare a meal, do any household chores. I couldn’t even sit at my desk and use my iMac, I couldn’t use my laptop for the first week or so. If it wasn’t for my iPhone, I would have been completely cut off from the world.

There’s a sense of panic and desperation that one is overcome with in these situations and I was no exception. As I sat upright on my sofa, for the fifth or sixth night, desperately trying to snatch an hour or two of light, unsatisfying sleep, dark and dangerous thoughts would bubble to the surface of my brain.

What if this is permanent?

What if this is the beginning of my slow, gradual health decline leading to my premature death.

What if I don’t get better?

What if the excruciating pain never ends?

What if….

I found myself having mini-panic attacks, hyperventilating slightly and relief not coming through the codeine or spliffs.

Though my back may be improving, I find myself filled with a lingering, nagging depression over my future.

Is this the beginning of the end?

They say that every second after your born, you are one second closer to death, so in the more general sense, the end has no beginning; or rather the beginning of the end, begins at the very beginning.

But that’s not what I mean. I just have this horrible, deep feeling that my best years are well and truly behind me. It’s probably true, as its undoubtedly true that I’ve lived more than half my life already as the chances of me even coming close to 90 are slim to none.

I’m feeling my mortality and I don’t like it. I feel like I’ve aged in the last fortnight, like my years have finally caught up with me. I don’t feel youthful, as I always have, instead I’ve felt like a decrepit old man.

The thought of a slow, painful slide towards death fills me with dread. I don’t want to suffer through a litany of minor and major health problems until one of them finally snuffs me out. That just sounds horrible!

I suppose death is very much on my mind because of the death of my cat a few weeks ago, which I witnessed firsthand in all its miserable, torturous glory. While her death was mercifully quick, she didn’t go gently into that goodnight.

Watching her contort and struggle against the hand of the grim reaper has had a profound effect on me, though I am still trying to decipher what exactly what effect it has had. I’d never actually been with any living creature, human or animal, at the point of death until her passing three weeks ago.

My younger brother, who is far more spiritual than I could ever hope to be, says I absorbed something from this experience, which manifested itself with my back trouble, or perhaps was this was the trigger for it. I can’t say I am convinced.

When the chiropractor was taking my background and history, one of his first questions was if I suffered any traumas recently; my cat died about a week before the real pain started, though I had soreness in my back a few days before it really hit me.

The chiropractor said that my back trouble was building up over time, that the inflammation had worsened to the point of spasms in my back muscles, causing acute pain.

Is this a coincidence of timing or definitive cause and effect? I couldn’t really say. You could convincingly put across either side of this argument and I just don’t know.

All of this has left me hating aging and mortality even more than before and I didn’t think that was possible. What’s a self-confessed sociopath and amateur narcissist to do?

Keep hoping that someone works out a way to download my brain into a computer after the death of my body, so I can continue to exist, in digital form. How else can I hope to keep posting drivel here throughout eternity?

I am in severe pain and have been for 5 days. I did something to my back.

I have no idea what I’ve done, but I do know it hurts like a motherfucker.

It started on Monday morning, when I woke up. My back was sore and stiff and I wasn’t moving well. By Tuesday, I could hardly walk and by Weds I was glued to my sofa. Getting up is a struggle, walking is nearly impossible. I’ve tried to get out to a chiropractor twice, but couldn’t manage it. I’m getting a home visit tomorrow, he thinks he can help me.

I’m missing out on loads of work, I’m not sleeping well or eating. A trip to the loo takes 10 minutes. This is seriously no fucking fun.

Thankfully, Mrs. H has been around to take care of me, or I would be royally screwed.

It’s a struggle to even type this on my laptop, and sitting at my iMac is not an option. I’ve been surfing lots on my iPhone though. I’m really glad I’ve got it.

I’m heavily dosed up on codeine and weed, which is keeping me chilled, but not touching the pain. Please send me all your cool and groovy healing vibes, because this hippy needs to get better and quick!