The northlondonhippy

YouTube user “growglass” has posted four videos of my beloved RooR NLH Deluxe bong being used in action. Check it out!

As an experiment, I have restored the facility to comment on my posts. I’ve done this because I am testing out a new plug in that is supposed to deal with spam comments.

That’s the reason comments were disabled, because of the overwhelming amount of spam comments I was receiving on a daily basis. At its peak, I was attracting over 1000 spam comments a day, for anything from porn and viagra to online casinos and life-extending medications. It was more than I could keep up with as I had to moderate each one.

Moderation will continue and I will need to approve any comments before they are published. I will try to approve genuine comments, good or bad, as quickly as I can. If this spam plug in actually works, I will consider turning moderation off.

So that’s it kids, feel free to chip in with your 2 cents and let’s all hope I don’t get hit with more wacky spam comment crap. Enjoy!

No doubt you’ve caught the media frenzy surrounding the most recent legal high of choice, mephedrone. Its the latest in a long line of legal highs, sold openly and possessed without fear of arrest.

Who wouldn’t want a high that was legal? Isn’t that the ultimate goal? Sure, booze is legal and will get you absolutely blotto, but so what? People want a choice of intoxicants.

I don’t like liquor and if asked, will declare that I no longer drink. Its true, I can’t remember the last time I had even a sip of alcohol. The hangovers were just too much to bear. I’m too old for a self-inflicted sore head.

Where does that leave you if you don’t like booze, but you do enjoy altering your state of consciousness? Black market drugs like weed and coke and smack and MDMA and speed and LSD I guess.

But what if you don’t want to break the law? I’ve already suggested voting for leaders who would change the laws, but we can’t seem to find any, except for the Lib Dems and if its going to be a hung parliament anyway, then we should all vote for the Lib Dems so they can have a bigger share of the eventual coalition government.

But I digress. If you want to get high without breaking the law, you look for something legal.

Until 2005, fresh magic mushrooms were legal to purchase and possess in the UK.

Finally, there was a legal high available that was profoundly effective and readily available. I shroomed regularly for a couple of years, every week or two. I was always careful, I stayed in a safe, comfortable environment (my own home) and had very pleasant, enjoyable times. It was easily one of the best drug experiences of my life, I can’t begin to express how much I enjoyed it.

Well, I can and I did, if you read the first couple of years of my output here, I rave about shrooms continually. Taken responsibly and with a rough knowledge of the appropriate dosage, shrooms are relatively harmless. You would need to consume your own weight in mushrooms for the dose to be fatally toxic and I haven’t heard about anyone who’s tried.

You could always pick fresh mushrooms in the wild, provided you knew what you were looking for, because the wrong type of mushroom could be fatally toxic at a much lower dosage. But if you were buying them from someone who could reliably tell you the strain, with knowledge of where they were farmed and advice on how many to take, you would be much better off.

And for a few years, we were much better off, with our safe, easy to buy fresh shrooms. It was bliss.

And then they got very popular. And then the media got interested. And then the government got involved. And then they were banned.

The above paragraph will be repeated again, you will notice, I promise.

And so I did sadly lament the demise of my beloved shrooms because the government man didn’t want me to have any more fun.

But it was too late, the market for legal highs had been established, a decent customer base still existed. All they needed was another product, something legal that would fuck you up a bit.

The answer came from New Zealand:

BZP

BZP came as something called party pills, which was a big change from fresh shrooms, it was a man made chemical of dubious origin. Rumour was it was used for worming pets, but it gave people a buzz, so we tried it.

It worked. It was quite speedy and a bit spacey, pleasant but not overwhelming. There were many brands, legal high forums were brimming with reviews to help you choose. People were happy to have anything that was legal and had an effect.

And then they got very popular. And then the media got interested. And then the government got involved. And then they were banned.

Right around the same time, the first legal marijuana substitutes that worked came along, the first was called Spice, which has become a generic term for these drugs. The ingredients were kept secret, so we didn’t know what the magic herbs we were smoking were, but we knew they got us high.

Turns out the herbs weren’t magic, but the JHW-081 they sprayed onto it was. JHW-081 is a synthetic cannabinoid, made in a lab to mimic THC. Sneaky fuckers, no wonder it worked.

As if overnight, many different brands of smoking mixtures came on to the market, all with a very similar weed-like effect. It was legal, but it was also expensive, and in some cases pricier than real weed.

Think about that, people were willing to pay more for a legal weed alternative, than actual weed. That says a lot.

And then they got very popular. And then the media got interested. And then the government got involved. And then they were banned.

In the gloom of my post-legal-shrooms existence, I tried many of these legal highs and a few years ago, I was getting these rather delightful little capsules shipped in legally from Israel.

They tried to keep the ingredients a secret, but with a bit of research, I discovered it was a chemical related to cathinone, which is the active ingredient in khat, the Africa plant that is used as a stimulant when chewed.

At first, I only ordered a couple and found them quite pleasant and quite strong, closer to real MDMA than BZP or the crap that followed. I ordered a few more, and then a few more.

And then I ordered a lot.

And then I lost a couple of days. No lie, I think my bender lasted around 48 hours. People were concerned, I just disappeared. It was the most morish drug I’ve ever had and I used to do coke years ago. I kept going until I swallowed the last pill I had.

Then I crashed for a couple of days and felt extremely depressed. I was angry with myself for losing control, something I rarely if ever do while under the influence of anything. I didn’t control this drug, this drug controlled me.

It didn’t, ever again. I didn’t touch any more after that. It seemed to target my pleasure centre with laser-guided precision. No thanks.

Guess what I am 99.9% certain that drug was?

Mephedrone.

Kids, listen to your old uncle hippy, that shit’s not worth it. Its way too morish. It feels absolutely wonderful when you’re taking it and you will want to take it endlessly. You can’t, eventually the money, or your body will give out and then you will crash. The crash sucks. Its not worth the pleasure.

As much as I don’t like mephedrone, I am merely suggesting (in strong, unambiguous terms) that you not take it, I am not suggesting some knee jerk reactionary ban. Actually, I think it makes more sense to keep it legal and out in the open. at least until you have an alternative to offer.

If the government can’t offer an alternative (I suggest weed, please), the marketplace will find one. It always does, because we live in a capitalist society and supply will always try to meet demand.

Oh, and if you’re against supply and demand, even in the illicit marketplace, then you are against the very foundation of capitalism. So take that all you anti-drug commie pinko socialists! Get on the free market bandwagon, don’t get in the way of trade!

Banning mephedrone isn’t the answer, unless the question is: “how can we get another untested, cutting edge man-made intoxicant into the hands of our children in the quickest possible time?”

I’ve yet to see one conclusive report of a death being caused directly by mephedrone. I’ve seen lots of bullshit about it being “linked” to a few untimely deaths, but alcohol and other drugs have also been in the mix, though that hasn’t been highlighted.

If I drank myself to death right now while eating a banana, you could quite accurately state that, until the coroner’s report is issued, my death was linked to eating a banana. I can see the headlines now, “Ban the Yellow Scourge”.

Booze kills and kills often, but the alcohol industry spends a lot of money on image and reputation management. When you think of liquor, you don’t think of corpses, do you? No, you think of good times, parties and women in tight dresses that you know will have sex with you.

Think about how many times you’ve gotten pissed, puked your insides out and woke up the next day feeling like death, swearing you’d never ever do that to yourself again. Until next Saturday.

That’s either effective marketing or addiction. Or both.

The legal high industry isn’t organised, they don’t have a centralised body to speak on their behalf and be their public face. Its the same for illegal highs for that matter. Who represents them? Who does their spinning?

No one.

Maybe its time they did.

People’s need to get high, to be intoxicated, to alter their state, is not new and its not going away any time soon. There will always be a demand for substances, legal or otherwise, that change your mood.

Recent history has shown that when given the choice, people prefer legal substances, even if they cost more and have less pleasant effects than their illegal rivals.

If the government left well enough alone with my old friends, magic mushrooms, none of us would have ever heard of mephedrone and whatever might follow.

Go on, if you let us all have legal weed, we can leave all is designer drug shit alone. Please?

I’ve been doing this for six years, today.

Blah, blah, blah, blah blah.

Check out my first ever post from six years ago. CLICK HERE

Happy anniversary, fuckers!

Remember the Soup Nazi from Seinfeld?

“No soup for you!”, he would exclaim when he determined someone was unworthy of his tasty broth.

Ever wonder what happened to the Soup Nazi since the TV show went off the air?

He works for Apple, rejecting iPhone app submissions. “No app for you!”, he exclaimed as he considered an app from your favourite independent blogger and internet god.

I mean me.

I don’t get to have my very own iPhone app, the App Nazi says so.

Apple’s recent policy change banning independent bloggers from submitting apps to for publication on iTunes is still pissing me off.

And here’s the thing, it would still piss me off even if I wasn’t directly effected by their decision. Its wrong to silence any voice, however big or small. We all have a right to express ourselves, on any platform we choose, on any subject we choose.

I chose to put an app together to bring my content to the iPhone platform. Apple, as the provider of the platform, have locked me out.

I should have tried to publish a fart app. Apparently, you can’t have too many of them.

It could be argued that my content is already available on the iPhone platform, via Safari, the iPhone’s browser. You’d win that argument, its true.

All my app did was present this website, along with some other entertaining content provided and owned by me in a very iPhone friendly format, via a custom designed app. One tap on the northlondonhippy icon on your Home Screen and you’d be here, hanging out virtually with me. No bookmarks or URLs, just a clean, easy to read interface, with groovy NLH graphics.

It would have cost Apple pennies to host my free app. Its not like they’re strapped for cash, they’ve got billions just lying around, doing nothing.

They could shut me up with a couple of million. Or a free iPad.

But they don’t need to shut me up. Nobody seems to give a shit. I emailed a few tech websites and newspapers with my sad tale of Apple app woe. Nobody bit.

Links to my previous entry did get tweeted around Twitter and buzzed across Google Buzz, or whatever the kids are doing these days but I am still waiting for a groundswell of popular support which would push Apple to reconsider this very foolish, pointless and spiteful decision.

Apple began in Steve Wozniak’s garage, with Woz and Steve Jobs knocking together the first Apple computer. Blogging is not much different than that, we’re all out here just knocking stuff together. Some make it into the mainstream, some toil in relative obscurity, but most just seem to give up. Many blogs lie dormant after a brief, unsatisfying flurry of activity, but not this one.

I know I’m not the most prolific blogger, but I’m still here and have been for 6 fun filled years. Ok, they haven’t been that much fun, but I am still here.

I’ve been toying with the idea of hanging up my hippy hat. This isn’t meant to be a threat or some drama queen strop. I’ve considered giving up before, but I’ve always managed to find reasons to keep going and ended up reinvigorated at the end of it.

Right now, I just feel tired.

The iPhone app was meant to re-inspire me and it would have, if only briefly. But isn’t that the way this works? You are constantly searching for new inspiration to keep you going.

The weird thing is, for a niche blog that doesn’t get updated very often, I do some good business. When I look at a graph of my visitor levels, its always an upward incline. I make a bit of dosh too, with my limited advertising and solo affiliate scheme.

I’ve recently been speculating that would still be the case, even if I didn’t post anything new. There’s a lot of content on my website, six years of spewing drivel will do that. I could probably just let this website sit here, do nothing and still maintain my reach.

Yes, I’ve been giving serious thought to giving up and quite stupidly, mainly because Apple refused to publish my app. Maybe there is no place for independent bloggers in the world any more and Apple is just ahead of the curve. If your website doesn’t have a staff of 30, then no one takes it seriously and you might as well not exist.

What’s a self obsessed weedhead and middle-aged failure at life to do?

If I knew the answer to that one, fuckers, I wouldn’t be sitting here typing out this shit, would I?

My iPhone app was rejected, again. That’s twice in the last month.

I heard back yesterday. This time, the app has been rejected on the basis that Apple have changed their submission policy and no longer allow apps that “…are solely intended for an individual blogger with a small audience…”.

Isn’t that most independent bloggers?

I’ve been blogging for 6 years, my anniversary is next week. My website was never going to be mainstream, but that’s kind of the point of its existence and the existence of most blogs. We cater to niche audience, but an audience none the less.

Are my readers less important than the readers of the New York Times website? Every reader counts, whether its one thousand or one million.

Why does Apple hate me? Why does Apple hate my audience?

Why does Apple hate independent bloggers?

Let’s put this into a bit of perspective. I invested time and money into creating an app that I thought would be of interest to my readers. The app is quite simple, but well designed, effectively creating an iPhone-optimised interface linked to all my online northlondonhippy related content.

There’s nothing wrong with my app, it all works smoothly, the design is clean and simple, and the graphics are slick and professional. The price, there was none, I wanted to offer it via the iTunes store for free, I wanted to give it away to anyone who wanted it.

So why do Apple hate me?

They shouldn’t, I am an unashamed Apple fan boy.

Currently, in the room I’m sitting in, there’s a 27” Quad Core iMac, a Core Duo Mac Mini, A Core Duo black MacBook, an iPhone 3GS, an iPod Touch, an Airport Extreme, several Airport Expresses, I use Final Cut Express and Logic Studio and iWork, I buy apps, music and films….

You get the idea, I own a lot of Apple kit and just because they hate me, doesn’t mean I won’t continue to purchase their toys. iPad, you are next on my list.

And I don’t just buy a lot of Apple stuff, I recommend it to my friends and am responsible for countless sales to many recent converts.

Apple should love me, like I love them, they’re like that girl who gave you a drunken pity handjob once, but now looks at you with disgust whenever you run into her sober and you keep hoping you’ll catch her a bit pissed again, but you never do. The desire is all one way and it only ever ends in bitter disappointment.

I praise Apple on my website and won’t stop just because they hate me. I can handle rejection, I’m used to it.

In short, there’s nothing wrong with my content, including all my weed related entries. Apple don’t have a problem with cannabis and there are several marijuana related apps available on iTunes, including one that will direct you to the nearest medical dispensary. Mine’s apparently in Amsterdam, last time I checked.

So why do Apple hate me?

Why does Apple hate all indepedent bloggers?

I’ve written a couple of novels, and was watching with great interest to see if Apple would have a route for independent publishers to get books on to their upcoming iBook Store for the iPad, but now I am not so sure.

If Apple are censoring iPhone apps to the point where they won’t consider submissions from independent bloggers, is there any point to me investing more time and money developing my eBooks for the iPad, only to have Apple change their policies suddenly.

Maybe you think a northlondonhippy iPhone app is a bit pointless, maybe I do too, but that’s not what’s important. What’s important is freedom of speech and expression and if I wish to bring my message as an independent blogger to an established, popular mobile platform, I should be able to do so, without any impediment from the corporation who supplies the platform. What’s wrong with giving the little guy a chance?

It would be like Sony banning you from watching homemade videos on your television, only Sony Pictures DVDs would display on the screen, but not your holiday or wedding videos.

Maybe no one would have downloaded my app, maybe millions of people would have, but I’ll never know. Apple have killed it, dead in its tracks for no good reason other than on a whim they have decided to lock all independent bloggers out of the app store.

Will Apple reconsider? If people make enough noise they might. It wouldn’t be unprecedented, but I’m not going to hold my breath.

All I wanted to do was expand my online reach, just a little. I invested time, I invested money, but more importantly I invested my hopes and dreams on a little iPhone app that I could call my own. I would never have guessed that this little dream would become a nightmare of censorship and unchecked corporate power.

Does Steve Jobs know about this? If he finds out, he’s going to be mighty pissed off.

I bet having a recipe as my top post confused a lot of my new visitors and that was the case until I posted this particularly unplanned foray into sharing my thoughts.

This is not a food blog. A recipe is something out of the ordinary. Normal service has now resumed.

As I sit here, typing away, we are around 9 hours from the expected Apple Tablet announcement. Its pretty big news so I expect you’ve already heard all about it. Don’t worry, I’m not going to go on about it too much.

I’ve got 2 predictions, one is an easy one that’s probably true, the other is a long shot.

Prediction one: It will be a premium product with a premium price for early adopters. Yes, I mean it will be very expensive, but will be cheaper in a year.

Prediction two: It will be called ‘iBook”, which used to be the name of one of their best selling laptops. They already own it, so it would be an easy yet inventive choice. I am far less certain of this one and will be pleasantly surprised if I am right. I’ll also brag a lot about it too.

I’ve wanted something like what’s expected today for years. Yes, I will buy one as soon as they are available though I am guessing it will be like the original iPhone, sold is the USA exclusively for 6 months, then launched in the UK. That will be frustrating!

Today isn’t just tablet day. Had my mother still been alive, today would have been her 80th birthday, but she missed it by around 13 months. I miss her, a lot.

At least Apple were nice enough to schedule their announcement on the same date as my mother’s birthday, its a welcome distraction.

So roll on 18:00gmt, when the big show starts in California. I’ll be online, following the announcement live as best I can and I’ll be tweeting my impressions as well. That is, assuming the entire internet doesn’t come crashing down to a screeching halt under the weight of all that Apple Tablet hype.

Oh yes, that’s my last prediction, Twitter is going to crash like Oceanic Air 815 as soon as Steve Jobs takes the stage. Maybe I should just plan on tweeting again tomorrow.

First of all, to avoid any confusion, there is no such thing as a “hippy crab”. If you go to your local fishmonger demanding one, he will look at you like you are crazy.

You’re not crazy, are you?

I don’t normally post recipes, but in the real world, I’m actually a pretty damn good cook. I’ve been cooking for decades, having honed my skills by watching TV chefs over the years and mixing and matching the techniques I’ve picked up along with combining interesting ingredients. Its like art with food, only hand-eye coordination doesn’t play as big a part.

I’ve seen crab risotto on restaurant menus, but I’ve never tried it. That doesn’t mean I can’t make a good one. And if I have nothing to compare it to, then it must be perfect already.

What follows is my made-up recipe for crab risotto, with helpful hints along the way. I have cooked risotto many times in the past, so I am not a total beginner.

You’ll need:
- one medium yellow onion, chopped
- 2 fresh cloves of garlic, chopped
- butter and olive oil
- 500g Arborio Rice (its meant for risotto)
- 1.5 litres of stock (chicken or vegetable)
- 20cl white wine (appx one glass)

For finishing:
- 100g white crab meat (sometimes called lump meat, its already cooked)
- 10g chopped chives
- 10g chopped tarragon
- juice of one fresh lemon
- cream or creme fraiche
- 50g freshly grated parmesan cheese
- 50g frozen peas
- 10cl sherry (not cooking sherry, the real stuff)

Here’s a photo of the main ingredients:

(Missing: Yellow onion, frozen peas, sherry, butter, olive oil)

You need a large sauce pan (or pot if you prefer) and you will only need the lid at the very end, so put it to one side.

Put the saucepan on the hob over a low heat and let it warm up a bit. Cover the bottom of the pot with a bit of olive oil and a bit of butter, basically enough so when you add the onion and garlic, its covered and coated with it. You don’t need to use extra virgin olive oil, cheaper oil is fine. Extra virgin is cold pressed, so its a bit pointless to use when you are going to heat it up. Save it to dress your salad!

Sweat the onions and garlic until they are soft, tender and a bit translucent.

While the onions and garlic are cooking, mix up your 1.5 litres of stock. I use Swiss Bouillon Vegetable Stock, but you can use anything one that you like. You can do this in a second saucepan, but my method is to mix 500mls at a time in a pyrex measuring jug and an electric kettle.

You can’t just use any rice for risotto, Arborio is the best. The reason is the high starch content, which is what makes it thicken.

Once the onions and garlic are soft, turn the heat up high and add the 500g of Arborio Rice to the pot, stirring continuously, so it doesn’t burn, for around 2 minutes. You want the rice to be infused with the flavours and oil.

After 2 minutes, lower the heat and then can begin to add your hot stock. The normal advice is to ladle it in gradually from a second pot, and as the rice absorbs it, add a bit more, but I don’t do it that way. Instead I add the stock a 1/3 at a time, in 500ml increments. The heat should be on lower, so the stock simmers.

Whether you add the stock in a little at a time, or in stages, its important you keep on stirring. Also add the 20cl of white wine. From here, it will take about 20 minutes for the rice to cook and for the texture to become creamy and sauce-like.

Once the rice is cooked, give it a little taste to see if it has the correct consistency. If it is still too firm, cook it longer, but the rice should not become too mushy either. Al dente is what I am looking for, it should have a little bite, but not be too hard or soft. You’ll know it when you taste it. That’s the basis for all risotto recipes, from here you can mix in what you like.

Now, time to add the additional ingredients to finish the dish. Add the crab meat and stir it in, followed by the lemon juice. The fresh white crab meat is the one luxury ingredient and I’ve used Cornish because I know it is sweet and very tasty. You could easily used tinned, or a mix of brown and white meat.

Once its all mixed through, add the frozen peas, they will quickly defrost and heat up. Then add the juice of one fresh lemon and the sherry and mix them in.

Time for the fresh herbs, toss the tarragon and chives into the pot and stir them in too. You can chop the tarragon with a sharp knife, but its recommended you use a pair of kitchen scissors to cut the chives.

Finally, add a large spoonful of the creme fraiche and a the grated parmesan cheese and stir some more. Put the lid on the pot, switch off the heat and let it sit for a few minutes, so everything is at a nice even temperature. Give it a final taste, to check the seasoning. I’d add freshly ground black pepper at this stage, and salt only if I thought it really needed it. With the cheese, crab and stock, the salt will probably be OK, I don’t use much salt when I cook, so its up to you.

The dish is now finished and ready to serve, you can hold back some chives and grated cheese to garnish the top once its on the plate.

Serve it with a fresh green salad and warm crusty bread. Yummm.

And that my friends and hippyfans is Hippy Crab Risotto. If you cook it up yourself, email me and let me know how you make out! Enjoy!

Yesterday, legislators in the US state of California took the first real step towards a fully legalised, regulated and taxed cannabis market. Earlier this week, the US state of New Jersey legalised cannabis for medical use.

All over America, attitudes and laws are changing and changing fast.

What are we doing wrong here in the United Kingdom?

Lots, by the look of it. How is it possible that we are falling behind America on this very important issue?

A few years ago, the situation was reversed. The attitude here to weed was relaxing, Tony Blair and David Blunkett downgraded cannabis to Class C, making possession a very minor offence. In America, so much as a seed or a used hash pipe was enough in most states to get you a lengthy, mandatory prison sentence.

Cannabis didn’t remain Class C for long, as Gordon Brown asked the ACMD to review its status. The ACMD did just that, twice and recommended that it remain in Class C. That was unacceptable to our very desperate and weak, make-believe Prime Minister and he pushed ahead with restoring cannabis to to Class B. Class B increased penalties for possession, but had no effect on production or distribution, the penalties are the same for either classification. Gordon wanted to send a “strong message” that cannabis was a “dangerous, deadly drug”.

Now, you can ask any teenager if cannabis is lethal and once they stop laughing, they will set you straight. Cannabis is in no way lethal, but our current government and ruling party don’t have a problem lying to the general public about anything. These are the same shitbags that invaded Iraq on the basis of utter fabrication, so a little white lie about weed won’t cause any issues with their consciences.

Well, I can tell you right now, its causing major issues with mine!

America is moving apace to legalise weed. This is a huge shift in attitude and approach from their previous policy of “just say no” and the war on drugs. Its seismic!

America is the most litigious country in the world, if there were any risks to cannabis, someone would be getting sued for damages, whether its the government for allowing it or the people who provide it. America has accepted that cannabis is not a bad thing, but a beneficial product that can help millions medically.

C. Everett Koop, former Surgeon General of the United States declared that cannabis was the “most therapeutically beneficial substance known to man” years ago, but it is only now that America is accepting his assessment. At least they got there in the end.

We are still so far away from taking a common sense approach that I’m not sure what to do. Gordon Brown, in his ignorance and desire to appear strong on drugs, has set the cause back at least a decade. Its time we regain some of our lost ground.

Its not just America, many countries have relaxed their drug policies to reflect common sense, the most recent being the Czech Republic. How could the UK be lagging behind them?

We’re lagging behind almost everyone.

I want to change that. I am going to change that.

I just don’t know how yet.

Every journey starts with a first step and this is mine. My goal for 2010 is to combat the ignorance and stupidity that is UK drug policy. Its time for all decent, upstanding, otherwise law abiding residents of this fine country to stand up and demand that they are not criminalised for enjoying a smoke.

We can fight the lies, we can fight the ignorance. We can fight, fight fight until we get what we want, which is a legalised, regulated and taxed cannabis market. The time is now!

A year from now, we will be closer to our goal.You have my word on it.

Martin Luther King, the famous and revered American civil rights activist once said, “…there are two types of laws: just and unjust. I would be the first to advocate obeying just laws. One has not only a legal but a moral responsibility to obey just laws. Conversely, one has a moral responsibility to disobey unjust laws. I would agree with St. Augustine that, “an unjust law is no law at all.””

Happy New Year fuckers!

I hope you’ve all bought new calendars and you aren’t still writing 2009 on your cheques.

Do people still write cheques?

I do, sometimes, but that really doesn’t have anything to do with anything, so I’ll swiftly avoid the diversion in that dead end direction.

Instead, I’ve come to share the latest news from the land of your favourite north London-based hippy. Its actually kind of big news.

Dig this, I submitted “the official northlondonhippy iPhone app” to Apple yesterday, it should be available on the iTunes store very soon for your mobile surfing pleasure.

This isn’t one of my little funny wind-ups, its an honest to god, actual app that runs natively on the iPhone and iPod Touch.

How cool is that?

On the hippy’s cool-o-meter, its off the fucking scale of coolness into a brand new realm of cool that has yet to be discovered by normal folk. Once the app is available, that new realm of cool will be yours for the taking.

The app delivers in an iPhone friendly format, all of my internet content. If I publish something, it will magically pop up on the app. You will receive my latest posts from this website, as well as having easy access to my busy Twitter feed. I’ve also included my TwitPics and YouTube videos, which are all easily accessible inside the app.

How much would you pay for a northlondonhippy iPhone app?

Really? I kind of expected that, which is why it will be available to download for FREE. That’s a price I’m sure you can afford.

My aim is to make this app the number one northlondonhippy iPhone app in the world. I don’t think it will be very hard to do, as it will be the only northlondonhippy app available, at least officially. I’m sure all the other kids will be creating their own versions to compete with mine.

Ah-hem.

I don’t want any of you to think I went off and learned how to write code for an iPhone, because I didn’t. I used a website called www.appmakr.com which automated the process to such a degree that even a moron like me could do it. If you need an app made for the iPhone from RSS feeds, you could do a lot worse than try this site out.

I will of course, reserve final judgement on AppMakr until I see my finished app on my own iPhone, but so far I am very happy with the service they provide. You will be too once you are rocking my app on your muthafuckin’ iPhone.

Keep watching for my announcement confirming that my app is live on iTunes. Until then, you can join me on some tenterhooks as I try to patiently wait for Apple’s approval process people to whatever voodoo that they do.

While I am quite pleased about my app, I am less excited about my birthday this month. Is there a law that says you have to have birthdays? Can we get it repealed?

Some years I am not too bothered about being another year older, but this year is not one of them.

I suppose a lot has to do with the awkwardness of my impending age…forty-fucking-seven. Its an odd number in more ways then one. Mainly, it marks my decent into my “late forties”.

I don’t like the word “late”, it makes me think of death. I think about death enough already, I don’t need stupid words tacked on to my age to remind me that the mortal coil is getting distinctly shorter every year.

My bones tell me, my muscles tell me, my world weary expression tells me, all pretty much on a daily basis. I am plumbing the depths of middle age.

I’ve been contemplating having my very own mid-life crisis, but I can’t seem to settle on what form it will take. On the menu are:

- a grown-up gap year to trek through the Andes
- a hair transplant
- 3 months of Swiss shin stretching
- a small, red, convertible sports car
- a sexually experienced 19 year old girl on the side
- a mental breakdown

I reckon to make it a proper mid-life crisis, I need to chose at least 3 things off that list, then pursue them with gusto.

Trekking anywhere is out, because it sounds too much like hard work.

A hair transplant just sounds messy and expensive and for what? To look like Elton John? No thanks.

If I was going to have my shins stretched, I should have done it 20-30 years ago, but it didn’t exist back then. I don’t think I am going to live long enough to make the pain & suffering worth it. You only gain a couple of inches in height anyway, so screw it, I’d still be short.

The little red convertible sports car is cliche and I don’t really like red as a colour for a car. Unfortunately, because of my age, red is the only colour a car dealer will sell me, at least for a 2 door ragtop. I’ve checked, its a car dealer bylaw, right their in their charter.

Does it all make sense now? That’s why you only ever see bald, fat middle-aged guys in red Ferraris (or Corvettes if you are stateside). And all this time, you thought they were choosing the colour. Now you know, its the law.

The nineteen year old girl seems on the surface to be an easy option and if I was a member of the Rolling Stones they would be queuing up at my door, but I’m not, so they’re not. Besides, 19 year olds haven’t lived enough to be interesting, so unless I can cram a 50 year old’s brain into their 19 year old body, I don’t see much point. And if I am honest, the only way I am going to get a hot little 19 year old is to rent one for an hour. I certainly couldn’t afford the care and feeding of one full time and I am a hippy on a budget, so this is out too.

A mental breakdown? Don’t I mainly have them on the internet or as it is otherwise known, a running blog.

This website is my therapy, which I guess makes all of you my shrinks. Every time I ask a question, you just have to say “well, what do you think?” Go on, its easy and I just saved you seven tedious years of university and medical training.

Email me for your certificate or degree from the University of North London (hippy). That and a pound will get you a ride on a bus.