Category Archives: society

Tales from the Pre-Internet – Bonus – Part Four

Bonus Content, Consenting Online Adults, drug use, sex, Sex, Drugs and Rock & Roll Collection, society, the hippy, , , , , ,

Written by Doug – the northlondonhippy

I’ll Never Tell (1986)

Of the many encounters I had from the pre-internet in the 1980s, this is by far the weirdest. You might not believe it, but I swear to you it’s true. 

One of the first things Lisa told me about herself during our first online conversation is that she is constantly mistaken for a very famous actress while out in public. She said she looked so much like this actress, the intrusions from members of the public were constant, and she didn’t like going out because of it.

We’d been chatting, and flirting on CompuServe, the largest online community in America at the time. Being online was still quite a niche pastime in the mid 80s, but I had been online for a couple of years at this point, and had met lots of people. My new friend was a little newer to this sort of thing. 

She sounded great, she lived in Manhattan, and was around my age. She told me her job was boring, and not worth talking about, even when I pressed her for more info. She seemed sweet, and she seemed into me. 

I’m a better writer, than I am a conversationalist, so for me chatting online was a bonus, and I usually made a decent impression. Around this time (late 1986 I think, November or December), I was still studying film & TV at New York University, while getting occasional freelance work from MTV. She liked that. 

The actress she said she looked exactly like was particularly popular in the 1980s. One film she was in, one of her earlier roles, caught my attention when I screened it on HBO. I had a little crush on the actress, so the fact that she said she was her double, intrigued me. This actress also starred in one of the most popular, and trendiest films of the middle of the decade.

Remember, the pre-internet was text-based only. There was no photo swapping, or video calls. The height of intimacy at this point, short of meeting, was to exchange landline numbers, which we eventually did.  We spoke for hours, about everything, and anything. We really clicked. 

She wanted to meet me, but she didn’t want to meet in a bar, or restaurant, as she said we would be constantly interrupted by people mistaking her for that famous actress. She didn’t want to invite me to her place. And she didn’t want to come to my place all the way in Hoboken either.  It was a bit of quandary, because after chatting online, and on the telephone for a few weeks, I really wanted to meet her too. 

I came up with a solution. Someone I knew had a ground floor, studio apartment in the West Village, just off Bleeker Street. He worked during the day, so I asked if I could use his place for an afternoon coffee date. He agreed, loaned me his spare keys, and I arranged for her to meet me there a few days later. 

I arrived a bit early, with some coffee, and some fresh cookies. His place was fairly tidy, and presentable. As it was a studio, it had a futon, which was in the upright, sofa position. Everything was respectable. 

I had some weed with me too, because back then I always had weed with me. She knew I smoked regularly, and she said she occasionally did too, so it was all cool. 

I was nervous while I was waiting, so I sparked up a J, as I was sitting on the futon. She was right on time, the intercom rang, and I buzzed her in through the front door. 

I met her in the hallway, and I was immediately taken aback. She was stunning. And she didn’t just look like this famous actress. I was immediately 99% sure that she was that famous actress. Internally, I attempted to convince myself I was imagining things, but deep down I knew I wasn’t. It was actually her. 

I tried to hide it, but I’m sure she picked up on my stunned reaction. I invited her inside my friend’s apartment. 

When we spoke on the telephone, I also thought I was imagining things, when I realised she sounded a bit like this famous actress. I didn’t mention it, since it seemed like such a sore subject. If anything, I disregarded it, and laughed at myself for thinking something so silly. Clearly it wasn’t so silly after all.

When she didn’t hug me as we first met, I already knew it was going badly. She had said on the telephone that as soon as we were together, she was going to “hug the stuffing out of me”. She said it more than once, but when the opportunity presented itself, there was no hug. 

I could tell she was disappointed with my looks. She didn’t really try to hide it. The warm, kind person from the online chats, and telephone, didn’t seem to arrive with her. She was cold. I adjourned to the kitchen to make a couple of coffees, and put the cookies on a plate.

While in the kitchen, I thought about my options. At this point, I was certain I had an extremely famous, popular, and drop-dead gorgeous actress waiting for a coffee in the other room. I also knew she was pretending not to be this famous actress, and had been playing at this weird ruse since our first online conversation.

And I also knew I fancied the hell out of her. If you asked me for a list of “dream celebrity girlfriends of the 1980s”, she would have been in the top three. 

I was not intellectually, nor emotionally equipped to navigate this awkward situation. I was so out of my depth, it was laughable. And I could tell now that she met me, that she was just not that into me.

I returned to the main room, with a couple of coffees, and the cookies. She had turned on the television, it was some bullshit on Oprah Winfrey, I don’t remember the topic. She was completely invested in whatever it was, to the point of ignoring me while she sipped her coffee, and nibbled a cookie. 

I tried to make conversation, but she literally shushed me, so she could listen to Oprah. It wasn’t just going badly; our intimate, romantic coffee date was a total disaster. She made me feel like a total piece of shit with her rudeness. 

She finished her coffee, said it was nice to meet me, but it wasn’t going to work out, and she said she was going to go on her way. I didn’t try to stop her, I was kind of lost for words. 

As she was walking out the door, I said something along the lines of, “Be honest you’re [name of famous actress], aren’t you? You might as well admit it. You don’t just look like her, you are her!”

She turned back, looked me sternly in my eyes, and shouted, “No! And don’t you dare tell anyone that I am, either!”. And with that, she was out the front door, and out of my life. Her “don’t you dare” admonishment only further convinced me of her identity. Don’t. You. Dare. 

And that was that, it ended in romantic disappointment for both of us. I didn’t end up with a famous celebrity girlfriend, or even a look-a-like. I didn’t end up with anyone after this encounter, just a hard knock to my already fairly fragile self-esteem. I never contacted her again, and obviously she didn’t stay in touch with me. 

It didn’t deter me from meeting other people from the pre-internet, but it did leave a sour taste in my mouth. I have not thought about this incident in like, forever. I tried to put it out of my mind. 

This actress still works, though she is not as prolific as she once was. For years after we met, whenever I would see her in something, I would remember our meeting. Over the years, that started to fade, and I hadn’t thought about this encounter in a very long time. It’s only because I’ve been poking around in my memories of this period in my life, that this one floated up to the surface. I told you it was a weird story.

I know what you want to know. I know what anyone who reads this would want to know. It’s fairly obvious, isn’t it? You want to know who the famous actress is. It’s only natural to want to know such a basic fact. 

This happened over 35 years ago, I certainly don’t hold a grudge. I’m way above, and beyond that now. That would be the only reason to name, and shame her today. I’m not going to do it. I’ll never tell. Her identity stays a secret. I’m taking it with me to the grave. I hope she had a good life. I think I did alright myself. 

The only person I have ever shared this story with until now, was the guy who loaned me his studio flat for the meeting. He was skeptical at first, but in the end he believed me. What convinced him was her entitled attitude when we met. 

But to me, that’s not the convincing detail, though it doesn’t hurt. For me, if I was hearing this story, what would convince me is the amount of effort she put into building the foundation of her lie. It started during our first online chat, when we exchanged written physical descriptions. I don’t think I was the first person to play this game with her. I don’t think I was the first one to lose that game, either. 

If I’m playing amateur shrink, I’d say she struggled with her early fame, and thought anyone attracted to her, was attracted by her celebrity, and success. She wanted to meet as a nobody, and have someone fall in love with her for her personality. I was definitely sliding in that direction, right up until we met. She adored my personality, until she saw me, and then she didn’t like my looks. That’s how it goes sometimes with blind dates. 

Over the years, my 99% certainty has notched up to 100%. Yes, I am certain, and sure it was her. It was my most intimate brush with celebrity, and we didn’t even make physical contact. I used to wonder what my life would have been like, if our meeting went differently, but that’s a fool’s errand. It was what it was. 

You can believe me, or not believe me, it’s up to you, but I hope you enjoyed this odd tale from the pre-internet.

The End

If you enjoyed that, why not check out the rest of the series. Parts 1, 2, and 3 if you haven’t already.

Or you could read my four part series about working at MTV in the mid 80s, called MTV Redux.

It’s all part of my “Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll Collection” – a series of loosely connected pieces, all written in a 5 week period.

There’s even a bonus short story, that might blow your mind.

And if you’ve already read MTV Redux, why not check out Hippy Highlights – a curated list of pieces designed to entertain, inform, and amuse you. So many choices!

(All words © Copyright 2023 – Doug – the northlondonhippy. All rights reserved)

Countdown to the End of the World!

Climate Apocalypse, Climate Change, Climate Crisis, Countdown, Politics, society, the hippy, , , ,

If you follow me on Twitter, you might already know that I turned 60 in January. It’s true. I’m an old mofo now. Go me! You might also know that I’ve spent the last few years learning to live with epilepsy. I ended up giving up my old job due to the slow onset of it. It sucks, but I’m doing the best that I can. Hey ho.

I wrote a proposal for this podcast last Autumn, and not long after I finished it, and while I was writing about my “epilepsy journey”, I had a brand new seizure. It was 4 days before I was about to mark being seizure-free for an entire year. Talk about less than ideal timing. Anyway, I got sidetracked, and this post is my effort to get back on track. It’s also my birthday present to myself. I am going to pitch my podcast online, and see if anyone wants to commission it.

You’ve no doubt spotted my holding graphic at the beginning of this post. It should give you a rough idea of what “Countdown to the End of the World – A lighthearted look at our looming apocalypse” is all about. I’ve been an “amateur doomer” for a while now, and it’s time I turned pro.

Why am I pitching this online, rather than trying to do it directly with broadcasters, or production companies? Good question. Mainly, because I’m clueless, and I lack the sort of shameless self-confidence that is required to cold call people. I’m also really honest, and I overshare a bit. See, I just did it again.

I’m actually just posting a part of the proposal, this is an edited version for online consumption. Anyone serious, and interested in pursuing this further, will receive the full proposal, along with the opportunity to meet with me (online or IRL) to discuss this further.

Why can’t I just produce this podcast myself? Technically, I could. I have all the production kit I need, but what I lack is production staff, promotional staff, and more importantly, a brand name to operate under. I need the backing of an established entity to attract the calibre of guests I have in mind. Simple as that. I want to do the subject justice, and I don’t think I can working on my own.

Enough pre-amble. Here’s a very short audio promo. If you like it, the proposal follows. I obviously don’t have the rights to the music, but it’s totally not for broadcast. Please have a listen:

Countdown to the End of the World – non-broadcast promo

The idea is simple, people love disaster films, they love end of the world movies even more. But now that we’re all co-starring in an actual disaster film, why aren’t people more interested? I get that the pacing is slow, but the disaster is still coming, whether we ignore it, or not.

To hammer this point home, Countdown won’t be listed in the “news” category of podcasts, but the “entertainment” section. That’s intentional. The end of the world has been used as the basis for entertainment since forever, just read the Bible. Why can’t we do the same with our own looming apocalypse? I say, we can.

Even if you follow the news, you are probably still ignoring the enormity of our problems. It’s a coping mechanism, I get that. My biggest concern with this idea, is that it will be overtaken by events, and life as we know it may cease, before I can put out the first episode. I need to get my skates on, if I’m really going to do this!

Still with me? Here’s the proposal. You can click on it, and scroll through it here, or download the PDF.

Countdown-Online-ProposalDownload

So what do you reckon? Would you listen to it? Would you subscribe? I have the first two series mapped out, 10 episodes each. I’m ready to start working on it now. Are you a commissioner? Know anyone who is? Can you help? You can find me online, contact me for more info. And thanks for reading this.

OK, Doomer!

Climate Apocalypse, Climate Change, Climate Crisis, Politics, society, , ,

by Doug – the northlondonhippy

Even with urgent action, the climate apocalypse is a threat to all life on Earth, but you probably don’t want to think about it.

Local graffiti spotted in north London – ((C) 2022 – the northlondonhippy)

The most recent IPCC report on the climate crisis is a sobering read, but even more so when you understand that nearly every prediction you have ever read regarding our future climate has been underestimated, or downplayed by the scientists who authored them. This is a hidden feature in climate research, the need for researchers to tone everything down, for an audience that remains in deep denial over what’s coming, that will all be arriving faster than expected.

“Faster than expected” is a catchphrase in climate crisis circles. Whenever real world evidence is compared to a previous prediction, whatever the worst outcome is happening “faster than expected”. It doesn’t matter what the specific subject is, it could be the melting of sea ice at the poles, it could be the continued rise in greenhouse gases, it’s all happening faster than expected.

This is an ice shelf. Soon, the only evidence for it, will be this photo

I’ve been reading about all this for a long time, I’m what can be described as “collapse-aware”. My eyes are open to all the evidence, and I am not in denial. I can see the direction of travel for society, and the planet. It’s not good.

Being “collapse aware” is more than just having a handle on the climate crisis, our society has a lot of moving parts, and none of them seem well- oiled at the moment. From the pandemic, to the cost of living crisis, to the war in Ukraine, it feels like everything is in some sort of death spiral, but looming largest over all of it, is our rapidly warming planet.

Wildfires – so many wildfires. Expect to see even more this year

Even if we ceased all carbon production, by putting an end to all fossil fuel usage today, right now, there are still enough greenhouse gases in the atmosphere to ensure we exceed our stated limit of 1.5 degrees Celsius rise of global temperatures. We are already approaching that limit, we may even exceed it this year, and we are seeing climate impacts caused by it, all around the world. But what happens if we do exceed 1.5 degrees? Then the feedback loops begin, and everything else becomes “faster than expected’ too, but at an exponential rate. That’s where we are headed.

There are some really scary predictions out there, from reputable scientists, if you can be bothered to seek them out. The end of civilisation? The extinction of all human life? All by the end of the century? Yes, I have read predictions that state each of those things as extremely possible, if we don’t take urgent action immediately.

The water is rising too, so expect more flooding

We are not going to take urgent action. If we were going to do that, we would have done it by now. We have known about global warming, and climate change, for many decades, and yet we have done nothing of substance to address them. We have prioritised short term profits, over long term sustainability. We won’t stop until we have extracted every last drop of fossil fuel from the planet, unless our extinction comes first. It probably will.

All this doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try to stop it. So get out and protest!!

Maybe you’ve seen the Adam McKay film, “Don’t Look Up” on Netflix. If you haven’t, I highly recommend it. I don’t want to spoil it for you, but the meteor in the movie, is a metaphor for climate change. And by the time the public finally looks up, and really sees the impending doom approaching, it is already too late. This is where we are now.

I wish I could offer you more hope, but we are well past that point now. Even with the will, and determination to turn things around, it still is probably already too late. We lack the will, and determination, we’re hardly even paying attention, as we sleepwalk towards extinction. There may be no genuine hope, but there is plenty of “hopium”.

One of the cornerstones of our plan to prevent the climate apocalypse is something called carbon capture. It doesn’t actually exist at scale yet, but much of our hopium is based on imaginary technology, and future discoveries. Sure, it might actually work, but it hasn’t so far, and many are convinced it never will.

We’re told to take personal responsibility, recycle, take shorter showers, you already know this. What they always fail to mention is that around 71% of all greenhouse gas emissions come, not from the general population, but from around 100 companies. Compared to that, the length of our hot showers, is meaningless. It’s not about personal responsibility, but our collective responsibility. We are all failing.

Many climate scientists are depressed, and despairing, it’s not just me. People far more knowledgeable than myself, are doomers too. We can’t help it, our eyes are wide open, and we can’t ignore it any longer. Even if we take the most urgent actions imaginable, it may already be too late. Open your eyes, you’ll see it too, even though I know you would prefer not to see it. Once you’re collapse aware, it’s hard to see anything else.

Doug – the northlondonhippy is a writer, and journalist (lapsed), with over 30 years of experience in the media. He spent the 2nd half his career as a duty editor for BBC News, before that he worked for AP, and Reuters, but he got his start in the industry at MTV – Music Television in NYC, in the mid 80s. He is also the author of “Personal Use by the northlondonhippy”. Doug tweets as @nthlondonhippy

I’m a full time hippy now

"Personal Use", cannabis, cannabis evangelist, decriminalisation, drug use, High Hopes, legalisation, Politics, society, the hippy, , ,

It might not seem like it, just yet, but I am now a full time hippy. Yay! The countdown clock has ticked down and for the first time in a decade and a half, I am now unemployed.

I spent the last 30 years working as a journalist, mixed media really, but mostly TV news. The last 15 years was for the same company. It’s one you’ve heard of. but I’m not revealing it, yet. I’m not revealing much of anything, now. I’m still waiting for my final pay cheque. Once that’s banked, then I can pull back the curtain. I’m crazy, but I’m not stupid. 

I will be publishing a piece in the next couple of weeks, which reveals my identity. Somewhat.

Spoiler alert: You will get my first name, and you will find out where I used to work. I’m still a nobody, my name won’t make a difference. I will still be the northlondonhippy, but I want to claim my real-life identity publicly, anyway. I have wanted to do this for a long time. 

There will be a companion piece, which lays out my goals in my new role as the UK first self-proclaimed, cannabis evangelist. It’s not a crowded field, but I still want to make my mark. Hallelujah and amen to that!

Now that I have the freedom to operate a bit more openly, I want to spend the next  few weeks getting some advice, I want to contact some people I admire who fight to reform our drug laws, plus some campaigners in other fields, and some media folk too. I want whatever I end up doing to have some impact. 

Personal Use – Book Montage

When I wrote and published “Personal Use”, I had no expectations. It was a fun, secret side project. I used to joke if I sold a million copies, I would quit my job and be a full time hippy. I haven’t sold a million, not even close, yet here I am.

So while you wait for me to do whatever it is I am going to do, here’s a selection of 10 hippy highlights to keep you entertained:

REVEALED: The Shocking Link Between Tea and EVERYTHING BAD! – If you only read one thing on this page, read this one. It’s one of my most popular recent pieces.

The night Princess Diana died (Extract from “Personal Use”) – I didn’t kill her, I only felt like I did

Surviving the Climate Apocalypse – Great news, you can survive the end of the world, if you are rich enough

Politi-hippy 3 – The death of Polti-hippy – There is a part one, and a part two, but this is the best part.

A Question of Character – Or lack of it, in the case of our current Prime Minister.

Branding Jo Swinson’s Liberal Democrats – They made some mistakes, and paid for them on election day

Hating String Beans – They are now my favourite vegetable, but that’s not really what this is about

The Personal Risk of “Personal Use” – After my appearance on LBC, I wrote about being interviewed by James O’Brien

Why I Suck at Twitter – You should still follow me anyway

I Live in a Dry Country – I mean the UK, because weed is still pointlessly illegal

The northlondonhippy is an anonymous author, cannabis evangelist and recreational drug user, who has been writing about drugs and drug use for over 15 years.  In real life, the hippy was a senior multimedia journalist until Feb 2020. With over 30 years experience of working in broadcast news, the hippy’s now left journalism to embark on a career as a full time hippy, writer and cannabis evangelist.

The hippy’s book, ‘Personal Use’ details the hippy’s first 35 years of recreational drug taking, while calling for urgent drug law reform. It’s a cracking read, you will laugh, you will cry and you can bet your ass that you will wish you were a hippy too!

“Personal Use” is available as a digital download on all platforms, including Amazon’s Kindle, Apple’s iBooks and Barnes & Noble’s Nook. The paperback is available from all online retailers and book shops everywhere. 

The hippy says his next book, “High Hopes” will be published in 2020. The hippy says a lot of things.  

You can also find the northlondonhippy on Twitter: @nthlondonhippy but only if you look really hard.

Politi-hippy 3: The death of politi-hippy

Brexit, Politics, society, the hippy, ,

You won! Get over it! 

I feel like screaming this at the Brexiteers who continue to hurl abuse at people on the left. They are suffering from a brand new thing, that I have dubbed SWS, which stands for Sore Winner Syndrome.

It’s like the home team beat the away team at football, but all the home team fans jumped on the away team’s bus, just to continue the abuse all the way back their hometown. Not cool. If I won something, I would be happy. The winners of our recent election, don’t seem happy at all.

Seriously, you guys won. Get over it!

You get your Brexit, you get a toxic, incompetent government, with more cruelty, and more austerity. What more could you want? 

You own Brexit now. You own the next 5 years of this parliament, enjoy it. You’ve got no one else to blame. You won. We lost. Get. Over. It. Don’t be sore winners. It’s unbecoming of your massive victory. 

It already feels like a 100 years ago, when we went to the polls last month and handed Boris Johnson this huge majority. 

Well, I say “we”, but there were a lot of us who didn’t vote for Boris’s Tory Party and we are all still here. Fun fact: more of us voted for remain-leaning parties than leave-leaning parties. And how did that work out for us? We still lost. Fragmentation of the remain vote, like life, is a bitch. 

The Tories only increased their vote share by 1% nationally, yet they won tons of seats. They seemed to get just the right amount of votes, in just the right places. It’s almost as if someone was showing off, just how skilled they are at voter manipulation, by demonstrating the economy of their abilities. 

Voter manipulation is easier than everyone thinks, because no one thinks it works on them. Guess what, like any repetitive advertising, it is extremely effective. 

Here, you can take my super-fun, three question quiz:

1) What kind of chicken is “finger lickin’ good”?

2) What do Weebles do?

3) What is the “real thing”?

Answers: 1) KFC, 2) they wobble but they don’t fall down, and 3) Coca Cola. I bet you knew all three answers, as any good consumer would. Advertising works!

I grew up in front of the television, advertising certainly worked on me. Brand new kids cereal, gimme! Brand new toys, gimme, gimme. Vote against my own interests as an adult? Why not! You can be easily swayed. We all can. 

Anyway, that’s my theory. I suspect the same tools used by Cambridge Analytica to deliver the Brexit referendum result, have only been refined and improved to the point where an increase of 1% vote share, in just the right constituencies, is achievable through machine learning, AI and a whopping great big data set. 

And the far right are employing these tools all over the world. If the left has any hope of ever getting anything done, they need their own dodgy dark tool box. It’s not hacking, it’s voodoo, it’s data science and algorithms, and a Facebook advertising platform that allows micro-targeting at such a granular level that you can literally flip votes as needed.

One of the saddest things I kept hearing from the campaign trail, is the repeated refrain that former Labour voters switched to the Tories because they felt the country needed a change from Labour. Huh? Labour haven’t been in charge of the government for 10 years, so what exactly were they changing from? Instead they voted Tory, the party that has been in government for the last 10 years, but they are expecting a different outcome. Mr. Einstein, what was it everyone says you said again, about insanity?

Look, I get it, we lost. Remain lost, Labour and the LibDems lost. We are leaving the EU at the end of this month, no ifs, ands or buts. And probably a year after that, we will get that hard, no-deal Brexit that Boris is so keen on, as the transition period won’t be extended. There is no chance of a comprehensive trade deal in a year. Shall we stockpile supplies for a third time? Oh we shall, we shall!

None of this matters. The Great British public doesn’t care about the truth or reality any more. Boris will lie and tell us that everything is fine, and a large number of people will believe it. Lies are comforting in an uncomfortable world. Trump knows this too. Don’t like reality? Then create your own twisted version of it instead. 

For example, Boris has banned the word Brexit after the end of the month. Brexit will be nowhere near finished, but if he eliminates the word, he eliminates the problem. He’s like Thanos with the Reality Stone. Reality can be whatever he wants it to be. Yay!

Who will the Tories blame when the economy tanks? I guess they will just tell us it’s all Jeremy Corbyn’s fault, for not losing hard enough. If Corbyn was a better loser, we wouldn’t be having all these problems. Stupid Corbyn!

Here are some random observations from the now dearly departed, Politi-hippy:

I was right about the branding of Jo Swinson’s Liberal Democrats, their messaging was way off the mark. They performed worse than even I expected. And I certainly didn’t predict Ms. Swinson’s loss. Rather bizarrely, LibDem MP and current peer, Lynn Featherstone, liked and retweeted this piece, which was highly critical of her party. I’m guessing she didn’t read it, but if she did and still retweeted it, then wow. Just wow.

I was wrong about tactical voting. I had hoped it would save us. It didn’t. We still lost. We could have toppled Tories, but we didn’t. 

Labour had so many problems, that I could write a series of books based on them all. I won’t, plenty of other people will do a better job than I ever could. The biggest issue to me, was the lack of unity within the party that was publicly revealed within minutes of the result. The split, between the centre and left wings of the party, will probably kill off Labour in the long term. They are a spent force, just check out the cavalcade of mediocrity trying to become leader. It looks and feels hopeless for them. 

A small selection of shitposts

During the campaign, I made a shit-ton of shitty graphics and shit-posted them on Twitter. I briefly increased my reach on Twitter as a result. I went from being an absolute total nobody, to a just plain old total nobody, but in spectacular fashion. 

Here’s an overview of my a normal hippy month on Twitter, from last April. Remember, I suck at Twitter.

As you can see, I sent a whopping 60 tweets for a measly 13,000 impressions.

Here’s another typical hippy month on Twitter, from October. Slightly better but still not rocking anyone’s world.

This time, 98 tweets, for nearly 30,000 impressions. Still not setting the world on fire, not by a long shot. And look, I actually lost followers.

And then, witness the birth of politi-hippy. For around a month during the election campaign, I made a bit of an effort with original content in the form of the aforementioned shitposted graphics. Doing this improved my statistics significantly.

I sent a over 1,000 tweets, racking up around 700,000 impressions and I gained 40 new followers. While it is a big change for me, it’s still a drop in the bucket compared to anyone with name recognition and a decent follower count. I used hashtags, I tagged famous people, and I replied to tweets from well established accounts.

I had retweets and likes from a wide variety of notable people, including Glen Matlock, the original bass player for the Sex Pistols, and Bianca Jagger, the well known human rights campaigner and first wife of Mick. The Times columnist, India Knight, liked one of my graphics too.

Ultimately, none of this had an effect on anything, other than giving me a fun new hobby for a month. It did show me that getting anywhere on Twitter is a lot of work for very little reward. 

Our side lost, my efforts online had zero effect, so politi-hippy is now crossing over to the great beyond. And with this final piece, indeed you are witnessing the slow death of politi-hippy. 

I started out this campaign by asking how many children Boris Johnson has fathered. We still don’t know. Our Prime Minister is the Jonny Appleseed of jism, he is the human lawn sprinkler of spunk. He could have a hundred little blond, floppy-haired sons and daughters out there, for all we know, and no one would care. We now have a deadbeat dad in charge of the entire country. Cool.

I really expected Boris’s first bit of legislation passed by his new, giant majority, to be a ban on court mandated paternity tests, but no, they went for the Brexit withdrawal bill instead. Maybe that paternity test ban will be next? Who can say. 

But from now on, I’m back to being the plain, old, normal version of the northlondonhippy. I want to reform the drug laws and get cannabis legalised. That’s my issue, that’s what I will campaign for, hard. I’ll leave the rest of real politics to the grown-ups, or for what passes for grown-ups in today’s world.

I was able to update one of my fun graphics, so it is valid for the next 5 years. This is the last official act of politi-hippy, before he draws his last breath. Sharing it is a public service. Enjoy!

The northlondonhippy is an anonymous author, cannabis evangelist and recreational drug user, who has been writing about drugs and drug use for over 15 years.  In real life, the hippy is a senior multimedia journalist with over 30 years experience of working in broadcast news. Soon, the hippy will be leaving journalism to embark on a career as a full time hippy, writer and activist. This is not a drill.

The hippy’s book, ‘Personal Use’ details the hippy’s first 35 years of recreational drug taking, while calling for urgent drug law reform. It’s a cracking read, you will laugh, you will cry and you can bet your ass that you will wish you were a hippy too!

“Personal Use” is available as a digital download on all platforms, including Amazon’s Kindle, Apple’s iBooks and Barnes & Noble’s Nook. The paperback is available from all online retailers and book shops everywhere. 

The hippy says his next book, “High Hopes” will be published in late Spring. The hippy says a lot of things.  

You can also find the northlondonhippy on Twitter: @nthlondonhippy but only if you look really hard.

Politi-hippy 2 – hippy’s revenge

Brexit, Politics, society, the hippy, Uncategorized, , , , ,

I’m going to tell you flat out, from the start, there is no revenge. I’ve never done a sequel to one of my pieces before, and I really wanted to nail the title. I’m not out to settle any personal scores, I just wanted to get your attention. Did it work? Are you reading? Cool.

As I mentioned in my previous piece, Politi-hippy, I have been swept up in this stupid election we’re stuck with this month. I wrote a couple of pieces about the campaign, one about Boris Johnson’s utter lack of character, and the other on the poor branding choices made by Jo Swinson’s Liberal Democrats.

The whole thing is really stressing me out, and I know I am not the only one. My coping mechanism is that I started making weird, funny graphics to express my quiet rage. I’ve made like 50 of them in the last week or so. I am ever so slightly obsessed. You can find half of them on the the original Politi-hippy post, including the 6 panel Baby Yoda series. No baby yoda is safe from Boris Johnson’ Tory party!

I’ve been sharing them on Twitter and at least one of them has gone viral enough that you may have actually seen it. It’s this one:

Yep, that was me. Basic joke, simple format, internet gold. Who knew? And here I’ve spent 15 years trying to come up with original material. I don’t mean to sell myself short, it’s a decent gag, but hardly my best. In my own defence, I posted it not long after the interview finished on TV, so my timing was very good. Sure, it’s uncredited, and I doubt many people will see me claim credit here, but that’s ok. I like making people laugh.

I’ve never gone viral before in any meaningful way, so this was a new one for me. I knew it had been successful when I saw other people posting it all over the place. The truth is, I suck at Twitter, but in the last week or so, I’ve learned how to suck at it less. Go me!

I went on to make a bunch of graphics around Donald Trump’s visit:

Similar format, another basic joke. Private Eye should hire me, when I am a free agent again. They won’t, I’m too expensive, and I doubt they pay in weed anyway. Will work for bud, just putting that out there.

I made a bunch for the Trump visit, but that was the best one. I did try some other jokes with the graphic, this is the only other one that seemed to land:

And I did this one, too, which seemed to do better with Americans than British people. And it’s funny, because it’s true. Allegedly.

Trump and Boris did meet, but you didn’t get to see it, until now:

Trump left early because a bunch of bad kids were gossiping about him, including his very best friend, Boris Johnson. Here’s what that looked like:

I even did an arty one, with a fancy-pants literary quote, that I had to Google because of my vague memory and piss poor American education:

Once dumb Donny ditched NATO, I shifted my attention to what I think is the key to this election, tactical voting. There’s far more of us, than there are of them, but we are fragmented. We need to be smart. Are you smart? Of course you are! Smart people vote tactically. We all might prefer different parties, but who we like is not nearly as important as who we defeat. We need to vote the Tories out! Feel free to share any graphic I’ve made, no need to credit me.

If you’ve made it this far, thanks and well done you! Since I started posting all these graphics, I have increased my visibility on Twitter exponentially. I’ve had tweets liked and RT’d by a former MP and peer, the ex-wife of one of the world’s most famous rock stars, newspaper columnists and the original bassist from the original punk rock band. That’s why I will be back to tell you all about this and more in part 3 of the Politi-hippy series, Politi-hippy-Post-mortem, coming as soon as I can, after election day. And man I can’t wait till election day is done!

As a special treat for making it all the way to the end, here are 4 bonus, extra graphics that I’ve only just started sharing on Twitter. You can share them too.

The northlondonhippy is an anonymous author, cannabis evangelist and recreational drug user, who has been writing about drugs and drug use for over 15 years.  In real life, the hippy is a senior multimedia journalist with over 30 years experience of working in news.

The hippy’s book, ‘Personal Use’ details the hippy’s first 35 years of recreational drug taking, while calling for urgent drug law reform. It’s a cracking read, you will laugh, you will cry and you can bet your ass that you will wish you were a hippy too!

“Personal Use” is available as a digital download on all platforms, including Amazon’s Kindle, Apple’s iBooks and Barnes & Noble’s Nook. The paperback is available from all online retailers and book shops everywhere. 

You can also find the northlondonhippy on Twitter: @nthlondonhippy but only if you look really hard.

Why I suck at Twitter

society,
Twitter, then and now.

This was originally published in August 2011. I haven’t edited it all, reposting it now, because 8 years later, I am not really that much better at Twitter. A lot of this still applies.

I love Twitter, but I fear my love for it remains unrequited.

I’ve been properly on Twitter for about two and a half years. To be more precise, as of this writing, I have been using Twitter since the 31st of January 2009, which works out to 931 days. I used howlongontwitter.com to calculate that, I didn’t count it up myself.

In that time, I’ve found Twitter to be indispensable and addictive and while I am not the most prolific tweeter you will meet, I constantly read my timeline. I must dip in and out of it a thousand times a day.

What I don’t do is tweet or interact with other people enough. That’s why I suck at Twitter.

My tweets tend towards feeble and offensive (but original) jokes that probably make people laugh uncomfortably, if at all.

I also tweet, or rather retweet stuff about legalising cannabis and other drugs, because that is my pet cause.

Occasionally I may tweet something that I feel strongly about, like the recent riots in London.

I tweet about what I’m watching on TV sometimes and the weather occasionally and even the odd food-related tweet too.

In other words, I’m not unpleasant or rude, just probably not that interesting. That’s why I suck at Twitter.

I’m anonymous online, by choice, mainly because I am so open about my own cannabis use and as its status is currently illegal, anonymity allows me the luxury of honesty. I like to pretend this stance furthers the cause of legalisation, but I’m not always convinced it does and that’s a subject best explored another day. This post is about Twitter.

The other reason I remain anonymous is I prefer to be unknown. I am not seeking attention for myself. If you Googled my real name, you wouldn’t find me anywhere online; I’m not on Facebook, LinkedIn, nothing. And while I have worked in the media for more than two decades, I’ve managed to avoid having a byline, screen credit, nor any mention of my real name and that has been intentional.

What it means on Twitter is I don’t use my real name or a photograph of myself as my avatar. That is why I suck at Twitter too.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I suck at Twitter for the rather silly reason that I have been sucked into thinking about follower numbers, something I have managed to avoid until now.

I’ve never really been bothered by how many people are following me, I haven’t done anything ever to intentionally gain them, never asked for them, begged for them, nothing like that. I’ve just tweeted when I felt like it, followed people (and accounts) that have interested me and that’s about it.

I’ve always found it a bit distasteful when people tweet about the number of followers they have, in whatever context.

“I need 27 more followers to reach 500, help!”

“Please RT this [insert celebrity here] I really need more followers urgently!”

“I gained 57 followers today, all because [insert celebrity here] retweeted me.”

Worse, is seeing celebrities tweeting each other and exaggerating their worth by bragging they have the most followers. I find this rather tragic.

Worrying about follower numbers is a mug’s game and sadly in the last week or so, I have become that mug. Here’s why: I’ve recently noticed a few people I know online, who started on Twitter when I did, now have double or treble the followers I have. I am a victim of comparative maths.

I know its silly, I know its meaningless, but its been on my mind recently.

This is not meant to be a moan or a complaint, everything I’m telling you is observational and self-critical, but not a whinge or backhanded plea for more people to follow me. I’m just trying to understand what I am doing wrong on Twitter.

What am I doing wrong on Twitter? Loads, it would seem.

There are quite a few people I follow on Twitter, who don’t follow me back. I don’t mean celebrities, but normal people, like you and me. Well, more like you probably as I don’t come anywhere near being normal.

The lack of follow-backs from people I like perplexes me.

Sometimes, I scroll through my own tweets and read them back, to see if there’s something in them that makes people not want to follow me. Nothing leaps out.

I think I’m fairly pleasant, thoughtful and I’m true to myself. So what could it be?

The lack of a photo and a name is off-putting, but my anonymity policy is not going to change until weed is legal. End of, as the kids today say. Its a reason, but that alone can’t be the only reason.

I don’t interact or tweet enough, but guess what? I’m probably the same in real life, being mostly a loner and misanthropic with it.

If you’re shit at life, you are going to be shit at Twitter. This shouldn’t come as a surprise to me, but it does.

How can I be more socially successful on Twitter than I am in real life? Answer: I can’t.

Quite oddly, I think I am probably more shy on Twitter than I am in real life. Often I do think about responding to other people’s tweets, then I think better of it and don’t. I don’t like tweeting negatively, if I disagree with someone, however strongly, I tend not to say anything. And if I do agree with someone, I don’t want to seem sycophantic, so I don’t tweet.

On the rare occasion when I do tweet someone and they don’t respond, even with the simplest of acknowledgement, then I am crestfallen and I think the fear of that often prevents me from interacting with people too. Maybe you know what I mean, maybe you think that’s a lame reason, but its true.

Whenever anyone tweets me and they are polite, I always make a point of responding. I always try to thank people for RTs too, as long as I’ve noticed they’ve done so. I guess I just try to treat people on Twitter as I would like to be treated.

I suck at Twitter because I suck at life. I’m starting to believe I’m not particularly good with either pursuit. That’s not a happy conclusion.

Or, I could take the tack that I’m not unpopular on Twitter, I’m just undiscovered.

The best lies I tell, are the ones I tell myself.

If you do follow me, well done you for finding Twitter’s best kept secret! You are truly a person of excellent taste! You have keen, discerning eye for the hippest and coolest, that your average nobody tends to pass on by without a second thought You’re a trend spotter and a trend setter!

Ah-hem.

I’ve pretty much accepted that I will continue to exist in Twitter obscurity, while others around me zoom ever higher. I’m ok with that.

I take a lot from Twitter, I’m quite greedy in my quest for knowledge, I just feel guilty sometimes that I don’t put enough back into it. I’d like to entertain and inform more people, but that’s not who I am, not in real life, not online. So it goes.

These truths should be self-evident, but its taken me nearly 1,300 words to get here.

So now you know why I suck at Twitter. And now I do too.

The northlondonhippy is an anonymous author, cannabis evangelist and recreational drug user, who has been writing about drugs and drug use for over 15 years.  In real life, the hippy is a senior multimedia journalist with over 30 years experience of working in news.

The hippy’s book, ‘Personal Use’ details the hippy’s first 35 years of recreational drug taking, while calling for urgent drug law reform. It’s a cracking read, you will laugh, you will cry and you can bet your ass that you will wish you were a hippy too!

“Personal Use” is available as a digital download on all platforms, including Amazon’s Kindle, Apple’s iBooks and Barnes & Noble’s Nook. The paperback is available from all online retailers and book shops everywhere. 

You can also find the northlondonhippy on Twitter: @nthlondonhippy You can find out for yourself just how badly I suck at Twitter. And why I don’t work in sales.

Politi-hippy

Brexit, Politics, society, , , , ,

I have been a bit General Election obsessed since this one was called. I’ve had a lot of time on my hands too.

So I wrote about Boris Johnson’s utter lack of character.

And then I wrote about how I wish I could support the LibDems, but I can’t. Luckily, I don’t need to, but I would if it made tactical sense. I don’t hate them, but I should support them more than I do.

And I made a bunch of very shareable graphics. Have you shared any of them? There’s still time, and there’s plenty of choice, so choose one that expresses your own personal style! I especially recommend choosing one from the ‘baby yoda’ series. Confuse your political enemies with his cuteness. They’re not branded to me and I am making them publicly available. Go crazy, they are free!

Now that I’ve published all of these in one handy place, I am going to chill the fuck out. We will have a result soon enough, but I don’t think any of us are going to like it. And chances are, a lot of these graphics may still be useful for our next election, coming in Summer 2020!

The northlondonhippy is an anonymous author, cannabis evangelist and recreational drug user, who has been writing about drugs and drug use for over 15 years.  In real life, the hippy is a senior multimedia journalist with over 30 years experience of working in news. The hippy is finding this election campaign really depressing and stressful.

The hippy’s book, ‘Personal Use’ details the hippy’s first 35 years of recreational drug taking, while calling for urgent drug law reform. It’s a cracking read, you will laugh, you will cry and you can bet your ass that you will wish you were a hippy too!

“Personal Use” is available as a digital download on all platforms, including Amazon’s Kindle, Apple’s iBooks and Barnes & Noble’s Nook. The paperback is available from all online retailers and book shops everywhere. 

You can also find the northlondonhippy on Twitter: @nthlondonhippy

Branding Jo Swinson’s Liberal Democrats

Brexit, Politics, society, , , ,

By all rights, I should love the LibDems. They want to stop Brexit, and they want to legalise weed, two things I would like to do, too. I really should support them, but I don’t. I can’t. Not this time. 

Do you want to know why we are having a General Election right now, and not that mythical second referendum on our membership in the EU? Jo Swinson’s Liberal Democrats refused to join a government of national unity because of their twisted dislike of Jeremy Corbyn. 

All a government of national unity had to do was sort out a referendum. Their agreement on the terms of a caretaker administration, would have included a ‘no new legislation’ clause. In other words, all they would have done is maintain the status quo until the referendum and then the subsequent general election. And then maybe, Brexit would have finally been sorted, one way or another. Instead, we get a general election around Xmas. Ho ho ho.

Swinson’s attacks on Corbyn have left me cold. Don’t get me wrong, I am not a huge Corbyn fan, but I do respect him. He is one of the most consistent politicians I’ve ever come across, with policies that would be popular with people, if they got to hear about them. But instead, the negative campaign run against Mr. C consists of personal attacks and twisted facts. But Jeremy Corbyn doesn’t trade in personal attacks, so it’s all very one sided and unfair.

I have nothing against personal attacks, if they are warranted. For example, Boris the bully from the Bullingdon Club, has earned the personal attacks aimed at him. I really want to know how many kids he thinks he has. No one can ever really know for sure. He’s a racist, and a liar. Those are undisputed facts, unless you drink the Kool-Aid served up by the Tories. Then you dismiss the overwhelming evidence of Boris Johnson’s utter lack of character, and you press on. 

Jo Swinson would say she attacks BoJo and Corby equally, but it is a false equivalence and you can’t lump them both together. If anything, I bet Swinson’s voting record is more closely aligned with Johnson’s than Corbyn’s.

If you Google Jo Swinson, the first suggested search term is ‘voting record’. It’s not pretty reading. Austerity, the bedroom tax, and university fees, to name just a few of her greatest hits. She was part of the Tory-led coalition, which is the root cause of many problems we have in our society today. Go Jo!

I didn’t live in the UK in the 1980’s, but I know plenty of people who did. They are not fans of Maggie T, not by a long shot. I can’t imagine Ms. Swinson’s campaign for a statue in Thatcher’s honour is a vote winner either

Whooopsie!

Ms. Swinson says that she wants to stop Brexit and I believe that is true. She also wants to increase the LibDems seat count, which is also true. The problem is where these two goals collide, like in Canterbury and High Peak, where the local candidates stood aside, to allow another remain supporting party a free run at the seat. Jo Swinson”s Liberal Democrat’s won’t allow that, and have imposed new, outside candidates to take their places on the ballot. It seems that the need for seats outweighs the need to stop Brexit, as that is their primary priority. It is extremely disappointing. 

One might say that because I am a north London media, liberal elite, that I would automatically support Labour. There is a kernel of truth to that. I don’t like to brag about my liberal elite status, but sometimes, when I go to McDonalds, I supersize my meal…AND I upgrade to a shake. But only sometimes, I’m not rich, like that uppity Jacob Rees-Mogg. I heard when he goes to McDonalds, he supersizes, he upgrades to the shake and he gets a McFlurry too. Not one of those little bitty mini ones either, but full sized. Shhhhhh, don’t tell nanny!

The reason I mention my media background is because I am coming to the point of this piece. “Jo Swinson’s Liberal Democrats” is terrible branding. I feel like some PR agency pulled a fast one by appealing to her vanity and turning her into the literal face and name of the party.

Have you see the bus? Jo Swinson’s Liberal Democrats’ Bus. Have a gander:

Branding gone wrong

I can just imagine the creative agency’s pitch meeting. Have you ever seen the Monorail episode of The Simpsons? 

“Jo, you have tested through the roof with our focus groups. People love you! So we want you to be the face of the campaign. Every leaflet will have a small headshot of you on the front, and a larger photo of you on the back! 

And have you seen the bus? A close up of you, full bus height! Gorgeous! And, are you ready for this, you will love this! We are going to rebrand the whole party as “Jo Swinson’s Liberal Democrats!”

A breathless, jubilant Jo Swinson’s shouts, yes, yes, yes! Where do I sign?

I can actually envision this being very close to the truth.

And when I first heard about this new branding, this was my immediate thought, now expressed in graphic form:

Seriously?

It sounds like a band name or an improv group struggling to break through at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. It makes the party sound like her personal possession and plaything. And that shit is plastered all over her campaign bus! It’s a branding faux pas on an epic scale. It’s the ‘New Coke’ of political reinvention. 

I’m lucky, my local MP is as anti-Brexit as they come. My MP voted against triggering Article 50, and yes, my MP is a Labour MP with a sizeable majority. But I still checked a tactical voting website to see what they recommended. And you know what, they recommended I vote Labour for the best chance of stopping Brexit. I was going to do it anyway, but it’s nice to know it’s tactical too. 

If I lived somewhere else, where voting tactically for a LibDem candidate made sense, of course I would do it. They’re not a bad bunch of people, even if their election branding is bad this go-round, and they have a history of propping up Tory governments. What matters most in this election, is stopping Brexit. Sky News have nailed the branding, they are rightly calling it the “Brexit Election”.

All of our votes count, but they really, really count this time. Your vote matters, do your homework, work out which party in your constituency is best placed to win and stop Brexit. Then hold your nose if you need to, but vote for the party helps Britain remain in the EU. Your county’s future depends on all us, including and especially, you.

The northlondonhippy is an anonymous author, cannabis evangelist and recreational drug user, who has been writing about drugs and drug use for over 15 years.  In real life, the hippy is a senior multimedia journalist with over 30 years experience of working in news.

The hippy’s book, ‘Personal Use’ details the hippy’s first 35 years of recreational drug taking, while calling for urgent drug law reform. It’s a cracking read, you will laugh, you will cry and you can bet your ass that you will wish you were a hippy too!

“Personal Use” is available as a digital download on all platforms, including Amazon’s Kindle, Apple’s iBooks and Barnes & Noble’s Nook. The paperback is available from all online retailers and book shops everywhere. 

You can also find the northlondonhippy on Twitter: @nthlondonhippy but only if you look really hard.

A Question of Character

Politics, society, ,

Do you know how many children our Prime Minister has? Does anyone?

Even Wikipedia is not sure, just take a look. It says he either has 5 or 6 kids. That’s extremely vague and it is somewhat disconcerting to me, that no one knows the answer.

Even Wikipedia doesn’t know for sure

Why hasn’t anyone in the media asked Boris Johnson about this? It seems fairly basic to me. If you can’t trust a man to tell you how many children he’s fathered, how can you trust him with anything else? If you misrepresent this, what else are you not telling the truth about?

I appreciate it is a complex question, and the answer is probably not as straight forward as you might think. And I would suggest, that there is more than one right answer to this question, depending upon how the question is framed.

If a journalist asked Boris outright, how many children he has, I expect he would reluctantly provide an answer. This answer would become the number of children Boris acknowledges and it would solve Wikipedia’s conundrum for them. We would have an answer we could attribute to the Prime Minister, and that would end the debate. Except it wouldn’t.

It wouldn’t end the debate because there will be another answer, to a slightly different question, and that number would be higher than the first. The problem with this number, is it will only be known to Boris and his attorneys, as it is the number of children Boris supports financially. Those pesky court-ordered paternity tests are an annoyance, but reaching a settlement with a non-disclosure clause probably makes it all alright. So this number is out there, but it will remain a mystery. 

The third number, which is the actual number of children sired by Boris, is unknowable. The only being in the universe to have this answer, if he or she existed, would be an omnipotent god. Even Boris wouldn’t be sure. There will be terminated pregnancies, there will be paternity denials, and there could even be some children born, that have no idea he is their daddy.

Put it this way, if you are aged somewhere between zygote and around 40 years old, and you have floppy blond hair, an innate ability to say random things in Latin, and your momma never told you who your daddy is… Odds are your daddy is Boris Johnson.

Boris is a born liar. Boris lies so much during the day, that sometimes when he gets home at night, he is just too darned tired to lie to his girlfriend. He lies about everything. He was sacked from the Times for lying. He even lied to the father of a sick baby girl, about the press not covering his hospital visit, while the cameras were in the room and filming! Boris even lied to the Queen. He just can’t help it. Boris lies, the way the rest of us breathe, naturally, and without much thought. Lying is his gut instinct, go to strategy, to get himself out of everything. And he doesn’t seem to mind when he gets caught. 

Why is the media so complicit in all of this? How can a politician be given a pass on issues of trust? If you can’t trust a man to tell you how many children he has, how can you trust him on literally anything else?

Character matters. Honesty matters. And it starts with a really simple question: Mr. Johnson, how many children do you have?

The northlondonhippy is an anonymous author, cannabis evangelist and recreational drug user, who has been writing about drugs and drug use for over 15 years.  In real life, the hippy is a senior multimedia journalist with over 30 years experience of working in news.

The hippy’s book, ‘Personal Use’ details the hippy’s first 35 years of recreational drug taking, while calling for urgent drug law reform. It’s a cracking read, you will laugh, you will cry and you can bet your ass that you will wish you were a hippy too!

“Personal Use” is available as a digital download on all platforms, including Amazon’s Kindle, Apple’s iBooks and Barnes & Noble’s Nook. The paperback is available from all online retailers and book shops everywhere. 

You can also find the northlondonhippy on Twitter: @nthlondonhippy